Life After Breast Cancer

Susan,

First of all welcome to the site. You are not alone in your feelings. I bet all of us have experienced that sense of fear once we are through treatment. If you have time sometime, read some of the past posts and you will see the topic comes up quite frequently. When we are in treatment we are seeing some type of medical personnell on a regular basis. That gives us a sense of security that someone will recognize a symptom and tell us what to go. When we end treatment, we have that sense of loss. Who will be there if something comes up? I am a two time survivor of breast cancer. As time goes on you usually quit worrying so much and focus on living. But hey, if you have trouble doing that, then by all means get whatever help you need. You are in charge of your health and you know best what you are feeling and what you need. You are not a WUSS! Cancer takes time to heal. Be good to yourself and don't beat yourself up when you have bad days. We are always here for you. Ask any questions you want. My personal philosophy is I am a cancer survivor, but I will not let cancer determine who I am. You have to develop your own style to deal with it, and one is not right and one wrong ... we are all different. Good luck and ...

God Bless,
Kathy

Hi Susan:

Welcome! It's so good that you found this site and chose to share with us.

A wuss, you're not! Consider all that you've been through and all you've accomplished! Don't forget to give yourself credit here.

I believe that once we complete treatment, the real work begins. That being the emotional healing. We're left with what I call the "aftermath" and it's a part of our healing that is often overlooked and seldom understood by our family and friends. It's often not that well addressed by our medical doctor's.

For me, Yoga and meditation have been extremely helpful. Explore different avenues and find things which work best for you. In finding methods which calm our fears and bring us inner peace, we can begin to build and live our new and improved lives. Lives of joy, positive feelings and accomplishments.

Your living arrangements with your little house and your animals, relfects that you're somewhat of a free spirit already and that's
wonderful! BUILD on that good foundation.

Consult with a therapist, other's who share your experience, as was already suggested,
read some good books on the subject, (I'd suggest Dr. Bernie Seigel's "How To Live Between Office Visits")...anything which brings insight and offers some direction for you, personally. Mostly, don't be afraid to
choose to grow from your bc experience. I believe it's a mistake to try to go back and capture who we were before. Putting so much energy into trying to get back the "normal" lives we lived before bc. Our NEW normals can be so much improved...more wonderful and more fulfilling. It's an opportunity, really.

You WILL find your path...your unique way of
growing and embracing your recovery...if you search and seek, then you will surely find!

Please keep us posted as your journey unfolds and share your thoughts, feelings and needs with us. You'll always find someone here who has been wherever you are.

Good luck and best wishes in finding your own, unique path to peace.

Love, light and laughter,
Inkblot

Hello Susan, I am also about a year out of treatment. lumptectomy,chemo, and radiation. I find that I can get depressed and anxious if I dwell on the, "what if's". My advice is to, instead, dwell on the "what is" We recently lost a beloved sister on this site. Rosa Moore (Tiger) talked to each of us for over a year and we fought her fight for life with her, during that time. Losing Rosa has shook all of us and I am sure that everyone here will think about our own mortality, but Susan, try to shake it off. Whatever will be will be and don't waste precious life worrying about a furture you can not control. Stay on top of your check ups and listen to your body and live each day to do something meaningful. A race horse!!!!How wonderful...I have loved horses and have bet on a few of them from time to time, in Nebraska at Aksarban. Stay with us here on the CSN. Everyone one of us is feeling just exactaly like you feel and it is good to talk about our feelings with one another. I find that helps more than anything else. Love to you, Nancys

A tale and a personal story : beware of length !
Hi Susan,

I have read all the previous answers to your question, and recognized my friends' wisdom and kindness underneath the words. I wondered if there was anything I could possibly add, being a 3 year survivor, then I remembered a story I shared months ago. It is a story that helped me tremendously deal with my own fears. For what it is worth, here goes :

A French sociologist, Jacques Salome, tells this story in his book : "Contes a guerir, contes a grandir". In English that would be "Tales to heal, tales to grow". He believes tales speak to our unconscious mind, and as such can help us overcome problems. This particular tale is the tale of the Fear Magician. In a far away country, everybody was scared. Fears poisoned their lives. So they would travel a long way to see the Fear Magician. They would go alone, and when they returned they would keep quiet, wouldn't talk about what had happened. One day, this little boy broke the secret. He said : "The magician told me to look for the desire hidden beneath my fear, and to accept that desire." A man decided to test the magician with the scariest fear of all. "I am afraid of dying", he told the magician. The magician asked him : "What is the desire hidden under this fear ?" The man paused for a long time and finally answered : " I would like to live every moment of my life in the most intense and happy manner, without wasting anything." "So, this is your most formidable desire", whispered the magician. "Listen to me : take good care of this desire, it is a unique and precious desire. To live every moment in the most lively, intense, joyous manner is a very beautiful desire. If you respect this desire, if you give it a real room inside of you, you will not be afraid of dying anymore."

Now my own story : I have learned to identify my life desires. I have also recognized that the way I lived before cancer was self destructive. I ate junk food (since I had a great metabolism I was not getting very fat so I had no motivation to eat better foods). I didn't exercise either. I was a workaholic, hence a guilty mother. I wanted to make my boss and my family proud of me and used to take on too many responsibilities. So I didn't have time for fun, or perhaps I didn't feel it right to spend time just for myself. Cancer was a shock because I realized I had not truly lived yet. Then a few months after the end of treatment I felt depressed, and realized that I had gone back to my old ways : I was overworked and scared of recurrence. I made a decision and talked to my boss. I now work 4 days a week and no longer manage a team. It is truly wonderful, and the pay cut isn't as bad as I thought. For one thing, my daughter spends much less time at the babysitter! I am enjoying life probably for the first time in my life. I have a lot in common with Inkblot : I am doing some meditation and sophrology to help me relax. I make an effort to eat fruits and vegetables and much less junk food. I exercise twice a week. I started drawing lessons with my daughter and get my creativity juices flowing again. In a nutshell, I feel younger, healthier and much happier than I did before cancer. I am so thankful for the wake-up call cancer brought!

Believe me, depression is a way for your mind and body to scream : "I am hurting ! Do something !" Listen to your inner voice, listen to your dreams. And then do it ! Life is beautiful, and once you are busy enjoying every minute of it, you won't have time for fears.

I wish you the very best on that wonderful path.

With a big hug from Switzerland,
Cathy

cat1switzerland said:

A tale and a personal story : beware of length !
Hi Susan,

I have read all the previous answers to your question, and recognized my friends' wisdom and kindness underneath the words. I wondered if there was anything I could possibly add, being a 3 year survivor, then I remembered a story I shared months ago. It is a story that helped me tremendously deal with my own fears. For what it is worth, here goes :

A French sociologist, Jacques Salome, tells this story in his book : "Contes a guerir, contes a grandir". In English that would be "Tales to heal, tales to grow". He believes tales speak to our unconscious mind, and as such can help us overcome problems. This particular tale is the tale of the Fear Magician. In a far away country, everybody was scared. Fears poisoned their lives. So they would travel a long way to see the Fear Magician. They would go alone, and when they returned they would keep quiet, wouldn't talk about what had happened. One day, this little boy broke the secret. He said : "The magician told me to look for the desire hidden beneath my fear, and to accept that desire." A man decided to test the magician with the scariest fear of all. "I am afraid of dying", he told the magician. The magician asked him : "What is the desire hidden under this fear ?" The man paused for a long time and finally answered : " I would like to live every moment of my life in the most intense and happy manner, without wasting anything." "So, this is your most formidable desire", whispered the magician. "Listen to me : take good care of this desire, it is a unique and precious desire. To live every moment in the most lively, intense, joyous manner is a very beautiful desire. If you respect this desire, if you give it a real room inside of you, you will not be afraid of dying anymore."

Now my own story : I have learned to identify my life desires. I have also recognized that the way I lived before cancer was self destructive. I ate junk food (since I had a great metabolism I was not getting very fat so I had no motivation to eat better foods). I didn't exercise either. I was a workaholic, hence a guilty mother. I wanted to make my boss and my family proud of me and used to take on too many responsibilities. So I didn't have time for fun, or perhaps I didn't feel it right to spend time just for myself. Cancer was a shock because I realized I had not truly lived yet. Then a few months after the end of treatment I felt depressed, and realized that I had gone back to my old ways : I was overworked and scared of recurrence. I made a decision and talked to my boss. I now work 4 days a week and no longer manage a team. It is truly wonderful, and the pay cut isn't as bad as I thought. For one thing, my daughter spends much less time at the babysitter! I am enjoying life probably for the first time in my life. I have a lot in common with Inkblot : I am doing some meditation and sophrology to help me relax. I make an effort to eat fruits and vegetables and much less junk food. I exercise twice a week. I started drawing lessons with my daughter and get my creativity juices flowing again. In a nutshell, I feel younger, healthier and much happier than I did before cancer. I am so thankful for the wake-up call cancer brought!

Believe me, depression is a way for your mind and body to scream : "I am hurting ! Do something !" Listen to your inner voice, listen to your dreams. And then do it ! Life is beautiful, and once you are busy enjoying every minute of it, you won't have time for fears.

I wish you the very best on that wonderful path.

With a big hug from Switzerland,
Cathy

Cathy:
Such a beautiful story from a beautiful lady!
Your new and improved life (your happiness)brings me tears of joy. I understand the fire you had to walk through to get to where you are now. Your spirit is amazing.

Thanks for sharing so much of your personal growth and may we continue our fight, daily, toward finding our peace, our joy and the wonderful lives which we all so deserve.
You're an inspiration.

Love, light and laughter,
Inkblot

Hey Susan, you are not alone. I finished chemo and radiation just before Christmas, so the holidays got me through -- then in January I got real depressed. I talked to my doctor about the uncertainty that everything worked or not. He said 90 percent of his patients were worried, and the other 10 percent "are too dumb to know they have anything to worry about." While going through treatment I met other women who seemed upbeat all the time, so now I wonder if they really were or just not showing their fears. I think it is normal to be worried, but we hide it because our family/friends haven't been there and don't understand. My only suggestion is to turn it all over to God. He is in control. I admit I slip a lot, especially in the wee hours of the morning, but it is getting better day by day. Good luck and God bless. Sandy

unknown said:

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

Hello Susan Tomorrow is my one yr anniversary and yes I too felt like you. My DR suggested anti depressant effexor(which also helped with the hot flashes) dont worry nearlyas much now and wonder why I waiting so long to get some help. (I was NOT depressed?!) perhaps i felt as if i was admitting i needed help but am sure glad i did. talk to your DR and dont be afraid to take an anti depressant. GOOD LUCK and feel free to email me if you like cslaski1@cs.com