up date,

nancys said:

Hi Donna, You are a realist and I understand the way you are feeling right now. We are all looking our own mortality right in the face and even though our faith in GOD is real, we still worry about ourselves and we worry about how our families will carry on without us. I plan to write letters to each of my children and grandchildren and tell them each how they have enriched my life and how I have loved them and taken pride in their accomplishments. I am going to put these letters in my bank box to save for them. My mother left me a letter and I reread it often. It makes me feel close to her again. My husband has never talked about the possibility of losing me and if I bring it up he just shush's me. Same with my children. My youngest son has type 1 diabetes and he understands that life is uncertain and we have discussed our fears about the future. It does help to unload this to someone. If there is no one else to talk to, just keep talking to us here on the site, everyone here UNDERSTANDS..Love to you, Nancy

Dear Donna - Your family is responding normally to the possible trauma of losing you. You are so important to them and it upsets them so much to think about your leaving that they don't want to think or talk about it. It's called denial. I agree with Nancy's suggestion about writing them all letters. And it would be an especially loving thing to address the guilt they're going to feel about not having talked to you about it or not having expressed to you how much you mean to them and how much they love you. Let them know that you understand that they wanted to concentrate on living rather than dying and that you know, without them telling you that they love you. If there are plans you want to discuss with your husband, sit him down and make him listen even if he doesn't want to when the time is right.
But aren't you jumping the gun? Should you be thinking about living right now rather than dying? Sometimes metastises go into remission. Sometimes the right combination of chemo can halt it. Sometimes, despite the odds, some people survive. I'm sure you're aware that some studies have shown that the will to live (having a purpose to live) plays a large role in survival! There's a fine line between being realistic and pessimistic. I think it's good to know how you're going to cope with the worst thing that can happen (death) but plan for the best (that you will have many more happy years to spend with your family). I believe in what I call "informed denial." It goes something like this: "I have faced the possibility that this treatment might not work and that I might die, but right now I'm alive so I'm going to concentrate on living and making the most of the gift of every day of life I'm given. I'll think about death and make those plans and have those talks when and if that becomes absolutely necessary."
But please talk to us and your doctors about your fears. They are natural and we all have them. And remember some people beat the stats; why shouldn't you be one of them?! - Warmly, Gay