Need to Complain

webaur · March 2001

Hi, All!!!

It is late (as you can see), and everyone is sleeping--even the baby. I am tired, but can't sleep so I have just spent the last couple of hours reading through some of the older posts......my goodness where you have all been and how far you've come. I am amazed and encouraged by all of your writings.

Any way, I am tired, my calves ache, my throat is swollen, and things have been grating on my nerves all day. I just need to rant and rave for a little while.....it really isn't fair to do it to my family, they have been pretty great through all of this, but they just don't understand the full range of emotions like you all do. I find myself wanting to have a good cry, but there is no time for it---even when I do find time, the tears won't come.

When this "beast" first invaded our lives, I swore that I would NOT let it interfere with my children's lives.....I do not want them to put their lives on hold because mommy is sick. I want them to know that I am going to be there for their concerts, swim meets, scout recognitions, etc. So far, I haven't missed one yet---although I wish that I had....I went to my son's Boy Scout Court of Honor about 6 hours after I got out of the hospital---because he was receiving a rank. I guess that I did a good job in this endeavor, because they all seem to operate on the same old premise---mom will take care of it!! They act as if nothing is wrong and don't seem to notice if I don't feel well. Thinngs were so much better right after the diagnosis....everyone was more attentive, etc. I miss that. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and taking care of them is all I really have---I don't work now. I could have some real good pity parties ever day if I didn't have them to do tings for.

My husband hs been my "rock", but I am ready to whack him a good one!!! He sems to have no clue sometimes. He just doesn't seem to understand why I feel the way I do about myself. He really tries hard, and I know that he is hurting, too, with no real support system for him. Does anyone else hate the Victoria's Secret commercials, to watch the love scenes in movies, or even to walk by the lingerie section? I just want to go and hide because I am so ashamed of and embarrassed by my appearance. When does the feeling of self confidence return? Am I too obsessed with my appearance? I am also sick of hearing my husband complain about being tired, hurting joints, etc. He is about 100 pounds overweight, has high blood pressure, and a bad leg from a blood clot he got about 7 years ago. All things that he can change through exercise.....he even had a great start on it before I because ill. He hasn't exercised in the 2 months since my diagnosis. I am really afraid he is going to drop dead on me!!! What can I do? Any mention of his weight or his exercise and eating habits just starts a fight, so I don't bug him about it.

Well, I guess I have rambled on long enough about all of this. Not even sure if it has made any sense. Thanks for listening and for being here for me to let it all out!!! I hope that everyone has a good day today and that the sunshine brings everyone renewed energy and hope for the day.

Take care and God Bless.....Wendy

cherdaetwyler · March 2001

Hi Wendy,
Wish we had some sunshine, it has been pouring rain since late last evening and all day yesterday we had what they called "High clouds" complete overcast with no rays of sun coming through anywhere.
I went for the usual blood work and did laundry yesterday morning.

I know your feeling about husbands and not taking care of themselves. My husband is supposed to be watching his weight, salt intake, and all, and between Friday evening and Monday evening, he ate 3 20-ounce bags of potato chips.
I was really upset on Friday because I had just fixed a really great meal when he got home from work, and immediately after the dinner with a fruit dessert he announced he was making a snack run.
I know the feeling you get when the battle is no longer new...I had one friend who promised lots of emotional support, who has not called or anything for weeks. Everytime I call her house, she isn't there, just her daughter's 20-something boyfriend and a couple of other kids who hang out there.
It gets rough, but all the time I keep reminding myself I have you ladies here, and the three friends locally who pick me up and take me to appointments that my husband can't, who offer to come help me do dishes, ironing etc. whenever stuff gets backed up.
And if your husband is like mine, the lack of concern about taking care of his health, is not a new thing but a long term problem. It has been an ingrained trait for years and quick turnarounds on them are difficult.

sorry for the rant, I was going to just send you helpful thoughts, but since I can't see what I have written it will have to stand as is.
hugs, cher

tiger · March 2001

cherdaetwyler said:
Hi Wendy,
Wish we had some sunshine, it has been pouring rain since late last evening and all day yesterday we had what they called "High clouds" complete overcast with no rays of sun coming through anywhere.
I went for the usual blood work and did laundry yesterday morning.

I know your feeling about husbands and not taking care of themselves. My husband is supposed to be watching his weight, salt intake, and all, and between Friday evening and Monday evening, he ate 3 20-ounce bags of potato chips.
I was really upset on Friday because I had just fixed a really great meal when he got home from work, and immediately after the dinner with a fruit dessert he announced he was making a snack run.
I know the feeling you get when the battle is no longer new...I had one friend who promised lots of emotional support, who has not called or anything for weeks. Everytime I call her house, she isn't there, just her daughter's 20-something boyfriend and a couple of other kids who hang out there.
It gets rough, but all the time I keep reminding myself I have you ladies here, and the three friends locally who pick me up and take me to appointments that my husband can't, who offer to come help me do dishes, ironing etc. whenever stuff gets backed up.
And if your husband is like mine, the lack of concern about taking care of his health, is not a new thing but a long term problem. It has been an ingrained trait for years and quick turnarounds on them are difficult.

sorry for the rant, I was going to just send you helpful thoughts, but since I can't see what I have written it will have to stand as is.
hugs, cher

Hi Wendy, well if you were reading through some of the older posts you may have read one I posted, ranting about pretty much the same thing. Men are creatures of habit. They expect you to take care of things no matter what. I love my family and they are loving and supportive, and even though i am short one boob and 40 lbs heavier, my husband still makes me feel beautiful. Yes, I know what you mean about commercials. My husband loves wwf wrestling, and you know what the bimbos on there look like, at first it really bugged me, but now I dont care, they are all fake and phoney, I may be tubby, but I am lovable and all real!! He says he would rather have me overweight and kicking cancer butt, than underweight and sick.At first, of course they are very tentative and sympathetic and always helpful, but it really wears thin after awhile. I like to do the "mom" stuff, it keeps me busy and my mind active, and a semblance of normalacy, but when I am tired or feeling weepy, I make it known and then they have to pull their own weight for a day or so, and my husband just cuddles me. Mind you when I am trying to nap and he i making supper, I dont get much sleep,"honey, where is this, where is that?" But it is in their hearts to help, they are just so used to us looking after them that it is hard to all of a sudden pick up and be boss. If you are too tired to do something, then dont do it, you cant do everything ,please everybody and still stay strong enough to fight.Instead of going to all of your kids functions, explain that you are very tired, and have someone else who is going videotape the function, then make a pizza date with that child and sit together and watch it. Or when you are feeling tired or down in the dumps, close all the curtains, have all the kids curl up on the floor with pillows and blankets while you lay on the couch, put a movie on and have an indoor picnic. That way you still get quality time,and rest. In regards to your hubby, well, I tried and tried to get mine to eat properly, but he would get up at two in the morning for a pee, go outside for a cigarette and then raid the kitchen, he would eat a sandwich, big glass of milk, bag of chips and then come back to bed. he finally realized after about a year of doing this, that it was causing him to get fat, and not sleep well.(duh, I tried telling him) but they are like kids ,they have to find out for themselves. now he eats better and does not snack, nagging gets us nowhere.He is a big boy, let him look after himself for awhile, then he will come to some realizations and start to heed what you say as sensible. Takes time, but it works.
Well, my three year old is hungry AGAIN, that kid has almost doubled my grocery bill!! I dont know where he puts it all,but he is constantly on the move. Well, take care of yourself and stay in touch.
Fight The Good Fight!!
Hugs from Tiger.

nancys · March 2001

Hi Wendy, When I was on the A/C chemo, sometimes I felt shaky inside and felt like crying for no reason. It surprised me, because I have been very accepting of this cancer from the dx. Not that I don't intend to beat it, just that I have never really gone to peices over it. I have just considered it a force to deal with and started dealing...Late in the evening, I would cry and Ray would get all upset and ask why was I crying. He is a really good man and will do most anything to help me, but he has not taken the time to understand much about this cancer. I bet right now he could not tell anyone what meds I am taking. That really scares me because if I become unable to speak for myself, he would know nothing. I keep a list of the meds I take and the time I take them on my kitchen counter next to my medicine basket. Partly to remind myself, but mostly for him to use if I become sick. I think most men are used to woman taking care of them and they can take care of us for a SHORT time only. I know Ray has no idea how I feel about this cancer and he really does not want to know. I think he has been more upset over dinner not being ready on time than he was when he heard the news that I have cancer, and yet I know he does love me. Men are just a different sort, it has to effect their comfort zone, to upset them. And maybe too, because we keep up a brave front, they have no idea that we are as frightened little children on the inside. You have more on your plate than many of us because you have a young active family and a new baby to care for. You will get through this, because you must. Just don't be too hard on yourself and ask for help when you are too tired to do everything. It will actually help your children to help mom. They will feel good about helping, even if they complain while they are helping. Whew, I have written a book....Love and Hugs, Nancy

cherdaetwyler · March 2001

tiger said:
Hi Wendy, well if you were reading through some of the older posts you may have read one I posted, ranting about pretty much the same thing. Men are creatures of habit. They expect you to take care of things no matter what. I love my family and they are loving and supportive, and even though i am short one boob and 40 lbs heavier, my husband still makes me feel beautiful. Yes, I know what you mean about commercials. My husband loves wwf wrestling, and you know what the bimbos on there look like, at first it really bugged me, but now I dont care, they are all fake and phoney, I may be tubby, but I am lovable and all real!! He says he would rather have me overweight and kicking cancer butt, than underweight and sick.At first, of course they are very tentative and sympathetic and always helpful, but it really wears thin after awhile. I like to do the "mom" stuff, it keeps me busy and my mind active, and a semblance of normalacy, but when I am tired or feeling weepy, I make it known and then they have to pull their own weight for a day or so, and my husband just cuddles me. Mind you when I am trying to nap and he i making supper, I dont get much sleep,"honey, where is this, where is that?" But it is in their hearts to help, they are just so used to us looking after them that it is hard to all of a sudden pick up and be boss. If you are too tired to do something, then dont do it, you cant do everything ,please everybody and still stay strong enough to fight.Instead of going to all of your kids functions, explain that you are very tired, and have someone else who is going videotape the function, then make a pizza date with that child and sit together and watch it. Or when you are feeling tired or down in the dumps, close all the curtains, have all the kids curl up on the floor with pillows and blankets while you lay on the couch, put a movie on and have an indoor picnic. That way you still get quality time,and rest. In regards to your hubby, well, I tried and tried to get mine to eat properly, but he would get up at two in the morning for a pee, go outside for a cigarette and then raid the kitchen, he would eat a sandwich, big glass of milk, bag of chips and then come back to bed. he finally realized after about a year of doing this, that it was causing him to get fat, and not sleep well.(duh, I tried telling him) but they are like kids ,they have to find out for themselves. now he eats better and does not snack, nagging gets us nowhere.He is a big boy, let him look after himself for awhile, then he will come to some realizations and start to heed what you say as sensible. Takes time, but it works.
Well, my three year old is hungry AGAIN, that kid has almost doubled my grocery bill!! I dont know where he puts it all,but he is constantly on the move. Well, take care of yourself and stay in touch.
Fight The Good Fight!!
Hugs from Tiger.

I just am so-oo glad that I didn't have this while my boys were 3 or so. I know what you mean about the groceriy bills and they just keep getting worse. mine were teens together for 6 years and it was a never ending battle to come up with creative meals that would fill them up for an hour or so and not break the budget.

But now that they are grown, they are both very health cnoscious eaters, one is an ovo-lacto vegetarian, the other eats very limited amounts of red meat, most of his meals are based around his or a buddies freshly caught fish since they are right on the Caribbean, and one or the other of them goes fishing daily.

But what this started out as was a thing about getting kids involved in helping with meals. When brian was 4, he could prepare 3 different meals for the family. Same with Clay, my older one. They had big file cards (5 X 8 or so) with mostly pictures, and short words they could read and obviously simple things, but I think it helped to prepare them for adult life. (my husbands mother never let him do anything inthe kitchen except shake the Jiffy-Pop popcorn package over a gas burner in his teen age years and to this day he has difficulty making any kind of a meal.

Maybe I should try the file card thing with him.
He has been really good to me through this, but then we have only been going through this since Nov. 8 when I had my 31st aniversary and the notice that my mammo was not good. what a combo.
Well enough of my wierd input. hgs to all, cher

pamtriggs · March 2001

Hey Wendy. Glad you got that off your chest. It's strange but when we are first diagnosed life is so busy & everyone is so supportive & then suddenly the initial crisis is past & it's just the ongoing slog to get well & human nature being what it is some people just seem to run out of sympathy after their initial burst of support. I think some of them are scared of by the cancer word & they don't know how to handle their own emotional reaction to it. Also they have this sneaky guilt that they are so glad it isn't them fighting it. I have a great support circle of friends & family but one friend who I thought would be there for me hardly ever calls now. It hurts a lot. Also I think we get so tied up in our feelings & treatments that we get boring to others at times. Now I try to only mention how I am if asked. Unless I am feeling really **** & then I let everyone know. As for husbands. No matter how wonderful they are they are all self centred at heart & can only put aside their neds for so long & then they slip back into character. It's our fault & our moms that we allowed them to be that way for generations. All you can do is take the good times & subtly nag when they get selfish. As you live in CA it can't be winter blues afflicting you so hope you are soon feeling back on top again. Believe me the self confidence does come back. Especially when you get the goods news check ups. Gradually you slip back into your old self. Never completely the same of course but often stronger & more confident as you have managed to come through a life threatening situation & it does give you strength. Now I'm rambling on. Haven't been in chat room for a while. Let me know if you want to give it a another go & suggest a time & I will try to make it. Hope Nancy can join to. Keep your spirits up. Love Pam

rae_98390 · March 2001

Hi Wendy,

I am fairly new to this discussion. My name is Cindy. This is such a great place to talk like you just did. Thank you for complaining. Hopefully it really helped you alot. It helped me to hear what you had to say.

We are human, it is ok to just complain. It takes alot of courage to speak out the things you wrote about. I have alot of the same fears. My husband, the Victoria Secret Ads, I just thought me too, me too.

We have managed to live through things that others know nothing about. They cannot know unless they have been there.

Again thanks for speaking out.

Take care. God bless you. Cindy ^j^

sueholm · March 2001

Wendy: I read your post and have a few thoughts if you are interested. If you act as though everything is ok, your family will treat you as if everything is ok. but everything isnt ok...and I am not sure why you are pretending that it is. Perhaps you underestimate the desire of your family, even your children, to love and care for you. Just because you are sick, and on an emotional road, doesnt mean your children will miss out on being children and having a great childhood. but you're denying them the opportunity to help you, to learn understanding and patience, to learn appreciation of their own health and I dont know why. I was raised in a family where being 'brave' was so important, and I have found out over the years that that is ridiculous. You will struggle with your emotions, your feelings of inadequacy, so long as you deny those feelings. In order to get through feelings you have to let youself experience them, work through them ...and who better to do that with than with your family. Instead of letting them choose whether to help you and take care of you, you have decided for them...and I dont think that is fair to them. It's ok to need help, to need love, to need support...in fact, it is very human. I hope this has been of some use to you. Susan..

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