One Month After Diagnosis & Feeling Overwhelmed

Hi, Everyone!! I have just spent the last hour or so looking at some of the past correspondence and decided that this seems like a great group of people that I can get to know and share and laugh and cry with. I hope that everyone is doing great today. I guess I will just start with the basic facts and see if there is anyone else out there with any similar type of experience. I am 41 (will be 42 in about 12 days) and had my fourth child ( a girl) on 9/3. She is a real blessing and our first child in 12 years---my other children are daughters ages 18 and 15 (on Monday) and a son age 12. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years (this May)--we started dating during his senior year in high school in 1976. To make a long story short, in October when I went for my 6-week check up, I noticed a hard spot in my left breast. My OB and I just thougt it was a clogged milk duct. Two weeks later, I had some yellowish drainage and went back in to see him. Again, he felt all was normal and just encouraged me to get the baby to empty the breast. (I had had problems with this as she was 4 weeks early and wasn't too interested in eating for the first several days!) By early December, she began to "violently" refuse my left breast. I had read that this was "normal" for a baby to refuse a breast, so resigned myself to nursing only on one side and supplementing her. By mid-December, the hard spot had not gone away, so I again saw my OB. This time, he ordered an U/S. It showed what the radiologist believed to be a cyst and recommended that I see a surgeon to have it drained. I see I am rambling, so will try to make it shorter! :-) I had it aspirated twice (12/22 and 12/27), but it kept filling back up. On 1/8, I had a negative pressure drain put in. After one week it was still draining at the same rate. The surgeon tested the fluid he removed at the first aspiration and when he inserted the drain for bacteria and cancer. All tests on the fluids came back negative. (I was really relieved at this news!) After the drain didn't do the trick, he ordered another U/S and it showed to be questionable, but still thought to be cystic in nature. The decision was to have the cyst removed on 1/22. After this surgery was done, I remained in the hospital because the cavity was so large, the doctor left the wound open and packed with gauze and me on IV antibiotics. The routine pathology came back the next day with a diagnosis of Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Left Breast (a skin cancer normally found on the face and neck and very rare to be found in the breast--I was the 36th!). The recommended course of treatment was to do a modified radical mastectomy followed by radiation and perhaps chemo. I had a CT Scan of the chest and abdomen on 1/24 which showed only the lymph nodes under my left arm inflamed and my other organs and lymph nodes normal with a good area of fat and tissue under the breast that was clear or disease. I had the mastectomy and lymph node dissection on 1/26 and our surgeon felt that the surgery did what it was supposed to do. YEA!! We saw the Radiation Oncologist on 2/5 and the Medical Oncologist on 2/6. On 2/6 we were pleased (?) to find that my diagnosis had been changed after the pathology had been sent for another opinion. I now have "oorly Differentiated Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma with Extensive Squamous Metaplasia". There were 24 lymph nodes removed of which 4 were found to be positve for the cancer. Due to the size of the cyst (tumor?), the number of positive lymph nodes involved, and the fact that the cancer was Hormone Receptor negative (and my "young" age), the cancer was put at a Stage 3-A. Unfortunately, the medical oncologist was not too helpful in the prognosis/percentage rate of survival. THAT, I think has been the hardest thing to take. I would really like to know if they think that I won't survive this. The medical oncologist thought I should have two courses of chemo with radiation sandwiched in between. The good news is that I was able to start chemo on 2/13. The bad news is the long road ahead and the inconvenience of it all!! This chemo consists of 4 doses of Adriamycin and Cytoxan--every three weeks. One down and three to go!! I have also had my first blood draw since and no news is good news. After the chemo, I will have about 6 weeks of radiation and then go back for the second round of chemo--4 rounds of Taxol, again 1 every 3 weeks. It is terribly hard to not have some reassurance that this will work and that I have a better than 60 percent chance of being here in 5 years. How do you all do it?!?!?! Anyway, I feel like I have gone on for too long--hopefully, I have not made any one lose interest. I am feeling quite overwhelmed by all of this as it has happened so quickly! I also feel that it really hasn't happened--until I move my let arm. :-) Anyone else with these feelings? There are a couple of other things that I have found to be overwhelming. One is all of the offers for help, the prayers, and the reassurances of family, friends, and our church. I don't feel that I really deserve them. Who am I do deserve all of this from people? All of the kind words and expressions of caring make me cry. The other thing I have found to be overwhelming is the support of my husband. He has been SO good to me. My three older children have also been so good through this. I feel so guilty for their having to go through this!! How can I ever repay the love they have all expressed to me? My husband is trying so hard to let me know that this doesn't change the way he feels about me. In a way, I do know that. I just have such a difficult time trying to let him "in". I don't want to him to see me without my clothes let alone have him touch me. This is pretty bad since he saw me before I could even look at myself!! How long does it take for the feeling of being somewhat "sexy" to return? I have never thought of myself as a vain person, but this is so hard. Sometimes I feel that everything happened so fast from diagnosis to surgery that I didn't have time to really cope with the loss, etc. Many people--my husband included--have marveled at the rational, quick decisions I (we) have made. But, inside, I feel like I am falling apart and only giving "lip service" to those I see. It is really difficult to tell the truth when someone asks how I am feeling. Through it all, I do know one thing. God is good and His strength is sufficient to help me through this. I just have to give the cancer back to Him each day to handle and trust Him for the outcome. As my Pastor has said--"Live each day as if it were your last but believing that you will live to be a hundred." Well, I have a hungry baby to get to, and I have definitely gone on long enough. I just had to get my "story" off my chest and hopefully find others--who have been there--to help me through. Thank you all for listening, and I look forward to corresponding with any and all who care to respond. God bless you all with a good day!! Wendy in CA