Just wanting to be happy after cancer

I’m right there with you. The treatments have left me so tired. My hair has grown back for the most part. But… there is something missing. I know looks aren’t everything. But I do know that when I look in the mirror, I see changes. Maybe it’s aged me. Aside from this though, I think for me it’s a daily process. I have good and bad days.
I think groups like this help tremendously!

I have been to a support group online and in person. And they help to get things out.

It’s nice to know that we are not alone.🥰

Im a survivor almost 5 years. I recently had another scare, luckily it wasn't cancer. However I'm still struggling with what the chemo and radiation have done to my body. It hasn't just aged my looks,it has aged my insides also. My bones is a big one. I struggle with the fatigue still to this day. In my head I thought if I fought and beat the cancer my life and body would go back to normal and this just hasn't been the case for me. I physically can't do what I did before. It's so frustrating. My brain says I can but my body says I can't. I have pain now that never really goes away. I'm tired of being tired of that makes sense.

Hi, hope you are all feeling more positive today. It's been 1 1/2 years since my lumpectomy, etc. What has troubled me since the second week of radiation is emotional and psychological trauma from some words and actions of the radiation center staff. Their philosophy, I found out too late, is to give out as minimal information as possible to patients about the radiation process. I started out real well for the first week. Their words the first day , was that after the first day, the treatments would be quick, and the next 5 days were the identical quick treatments.. I went in the next day, feeling good, and it was Valentine's Day, thinking I knew how this all worked now. But they failed to tell me that once a week, they take an extra set of xrays, to check the alignment, and to do that they rotate the machine in reverse, and different devices are extended. (I learned of this much later.) This abrupt change in the movement of the machine completely disoriented me and gave me a panic attack. I thought my treatment had been changed because it wasn't working. I guess that once they got into the control room to give out the radiation, they decided they should have told me, so they said something over the speaker, but I didn't understand what they said, or even realize that they were speaking to me. Their 2 way communication hadn't worked for years in the patient being able to speak to the technicians, so they could not hear me or get some acnowledgement from me that I understood what they said. But they just said, that's too bad, they weren't going to make the effort to come back into the treatment room to tell me. It was the worst experience of my life. Afterward, I asked why they did that to me. They said - It was the same thing! The doctor told me I was criticizing and left the room I was totally confused and now distrustful of what future days would bring. I wanted to quit, but my sister and husband told me I needed to keep going. I didn't sleep for 3 days, and still have disturbed sleep. Later along the line, they said. - surprise,another CT scan coming up, I asked why they couldn't tell people ahead of time that some days will be different? They said. Oh, we can't tell people that because they get scared and don't show up for their appointment. Is this professionalism? No one spoke a word to me about skin care. Somewhere along the line, the medical assistant (they had no nurse) handed me a bag with three tubes of cream. I asked for the instructions to use, she just said - Go into the dressing room and put it on. It has flowers in it. And she left the room. More confusion. Approaching my last week, I saw a listing on my schedule that had one day with a different coding, so I asked the doctor what it meant would happen. He said he didn't know, but the technician would tell me. What I was then told was. - I knew that would freak you out! I said - I guess I am an oddball that likes to know what is happening to me, and he said. YOU SURE ARE! I was completely shocked. It was really a struggle to continue going there after that. Even after treatment was finished, they didn't follow through. They assured me someone would phone me to check on me, well no one ever called. Choosing this radiation center was the biggest mistake of my life.

So I don't know if they helped my body, but I know they damaged my mind, and I think that is worse. I keep flashing back to that panic I felt in the pit of my stomach when the machine seemed to me to be out of control. So besides having cancer to think about, I have traumatic memories of the radiation staff being deceptive and evasive to answering questions.