Bozo69 Member Posts: 4 Member
edited December 2023 in Caregivers #1

Husband of 45 years to the most important part of my life. A beautiful Woman in and out that has stood by me every single day of our relationship. I am looking for help and support for i know i am not being patient enough even though i understand i react first and then feel like total crap after! WHY did you do that i ask her, she reply's i don't know or I tried! I expect more~REALLY! Im not sure if its the stress or burden of "Everything" falling on me-Example: after working on the car, now i have to do dishes, wash, clean, etc.... I have to do it all while she sits in front of our TV watching games shows-just the noise from them drive me nuts! I know im stressed and is why im not patient and yet she deserves that and more! That is why i am here to seek help....i have to have tools and advice to learn to be the soul-mate she deserves, be more patient and understand why dirty dishes are still in the sink at 10pm after ive worked out all day and need a shower-coffee pots not ready, house is littered~~~HELP~~~~ All sounds Petie but its just an example of it all piling up, stressing me out and not giving this beautiful woman the support she needs and deserves! I am on my knees asking God and You to give me the tools to learn to cope and do right! In=care or hospice? is outta the question....at this point. I see 76 pages to go thru that might give me the answer i need but still thought i should create a POST We are all ONE BIG FAMILY~~~Right! The victim and the bystander of this terrible disease! ThankYou in advance and i so look forward to your thoughts.....


  • lizzy123456
    lizzy123456 Member Posts: 8 Member
    edited September 2023 #2

    sounds like your overworked and stressed. As someone in the process of becoming a counselor atm I have a few techniques I learned to avoid stress. 1. Take time for yourself. Even if it’s 5 minutes do something for your self. 2.Make sure you take care of your hygiene and health. 3. Get earphones and connect to your phone/device when working if you have them. You can listen to podcast / shows on YouTube Spotify or more why doing house chores or why your wife watches something else. 4 write your feelings down or say something positive about yourself in the mornig. This helps let out feeling and get rid of stress. 5. Ask for help from family/friends. If you have someone that can give you an afternoon offf ever once in a while that is healthy and perfectly okay. I wish you the best!

  • Bozo69
    Bozo69 Member Posts: 4 Member

    ThankYou Lizzy, i appreciate that. Yes, no doubt i am stressed and why im here cuz i dont know how to cope.....im trying but not succeeding and need help. As i state its always afterwards i feel about 2" tall asking my self-WHY did i say that? WHY did i react that way-Why did i not be more understanding and patient? I can only imagine what its like and unless actually being there we'll never comprehend that persons thought process. All those little things i listed sound so petie but its a little mess all piled up in one big heap and collected thru the week! I guess im looking for that magic pill to cure all but just taking an aspirin right now! I have figured out that she cannot think ahead far enough to help out so i am going to try giving her a list of chores to do for me, especially early evening when im about worn out and need to get the coffee ready, curtains closed, etc....all those little things will help tremendously so that im gonna give a shot and see what happens. Just talkin helps so again thankyou so much Lizzy, i do appreciate it.

  • DavidONj
    DavidONj Member Posts: 8 *

    Pardon me if I didn't see it, but I believe you're caring for your wife. I too am doing that. My stepdaughter comes over periodically to do errands for us and gets us groceries. We're in our 60's so if you are older then perhaps you need a helper or a way to de stress. I wish you the best with your wife. This is definitely a new way of living.

  • Bozo69
    Bozo69 Member Posts: 4 Member

    Yes David, i too just saw this, all is sooooooo hectic! Thankyou for your comments and yes definetley a new way of life! We both retired healthy and the within a few years it was BANG! First me with Sleep APNEA, IBS and then COPD, now my wife has had 4 different cancers. So at first she took care of me and then i had to adjust to reverse role in my poor condition so thats whys its such a hectic mess! So! Out the window went all our retirement plans and here we sit daily in a depression............many times i feel "this just aint worth it"

  • gonnabeatthiscancer
    gonnabeatthiscancer Member Posts: 1 Member

    I know firsthand how the stress is on the caregiver as I used to manage a home health care agency and now I am going through prostate cancer and radiation treatments after the removal of the organ didn't get all the cancer along with taking care of my mother-in-law was 89 and ill and he's 24 hours so my wife is working full time taking care of me and then doing alternating weeks taking care of her mom so she's running ragged and it's really taking a toll on her physically mentally emotionally not to mentioned the financial burden as I'm unable to work at the moment. Caregiver burnout? Emotional burnout and psychological grief of both her husband and mother possibly passing is extremely difficult on my life we don't have any way to relieve it that I know.

    Down on top of that for insurance company is trying to deny a glass clean because we changed our deductible a month before or windshield got broken and they're denying the claim because I wasn't super clear on the date and the details of when this occurred cuz I wasn't with the car so we are looking for some legal help hopefully that could keep this huge corporation from bullying us and taking advantage of us and not providing the services that they should be being we pay them.

    So if there's any attorneys willing to take on a insurance company it's Auto Glass claim that they're trying to not cover or provide the rental car coverage we subscribe and pay for.

    It's straight up shameful.

    Really could use the help thanks in advance I'm going to win my battle with cancer but it's going to be a difficult thing and it certainly is stressful and taking a family.

    Thanks in advance granny help and support

    G n T

  • Lolliekare
    Lolliekare Member Posts: 1 *

    Hello - I think you (me, and all caregivers) are in the midst of grief, as well as depression and stress. It has helped me to give myself permission that things are different now - the dishes can wait, the vacuuming can wait. I agree with Lizzie that you need to take care of yourself - take showers, get outside when it nice, grab a treat for yourself. Accept that you have boundaries and a limit to your energy, and much of that energy is sucked up by the emotions of being a caregiver. I've also been saying "no" more if one more task will add to the stress ("no, I've reached the limit of my stress threshold today).

  • Bozo69
    Bozo69 Member Posts: 4 Member

    ThankYou all for all your comments and suggestions, you have no idea how much this has all helped, thankYou again ☺