Telling people you have cancer ... How do you do it?
One of the hardest things since my diagnosis two months ago has been telling everyone I have cancer. Has anyone else found this to be true? What was your experience?
I am taking a leave of absence from my job and my co-workers don't know why. Only administration knows. I don't know what to say to them. Telling my children, my friends, my mom ... Was so hard. I have only told the people who really need to know. I know some people post all about their cancer on social media, but not me. Maybe I am a private person. And I don't like to appear vulnerable or weak.
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I feel the same way. I have only told a handful of friends/ family/ coworkers. Telling someone new feels like the first time each time I do it. So I took a break from letting people know. I have decided not to post anything on social media ( at least for now). I don’t want the constant questions and comments. Maybe it’s somewhat the denial part of me but I chose not to tell everyone. You do what feels right for you!
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When I got diagnosed and was in treatment, I only told my closest relatives and friends. I still have friends that are just finding out and I have been done with surgery and chemo for over a year. Do what feels right for you, but know that some will be mad/sad that you didn't share the news with them since they would have wanted to help you.
I waited 3 days before I told my husband and almost a week before I told my siblings. It isn't easy to tell someone this news, I had to do it for my sister a few years before I was diagnosed and it was hard telling people she had cancer.
Take care and be strong.
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My diagnosis and surgery were only days apart, since medical insurance is going away by this month's end. I'm grateful to be one-week post-surgery today. There are only a few people who know my diagnosis. My elder parents both have dementia with no social screens, so they share inappropriately with almost anyone who'll listen. I'm just not wanting to be known by my diagnosis. I would like to share with some but feel it's so personal at the same time.
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I know what you mean. Especially since it's breast cancer. I don't want to be discussing my breasts with all my coworkers and my teenage son's friends. However I am now mysteriously taking time off work and recovering from surgery and just not talking about it. I would almost rather other people tell the news so I don't have to do it.
I hope your treatment goes well.
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I can relate, I chose not to advertise my diagnosis on social media and limited who I told. However, when it came to work I did tell my management team and sent a simple message to my department stating that I would be on medical leave (I didn’t specifically say cancer). Word obviously spread but it was a blessing because their outreach and support has been amazing.
Only you know what’s best for you but I’m sure that there are many people who care about you and would like to help - even if it’s just sending you a pizza for dinner.
Sending you blessings and healing.
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I know what you mean. Especially since it's breast cancer. I don't want to be discussing my breasts with all my coworkers and my teenage son's friends. However I am now mysteriously taking time off work and recovering from surgery and just not talking about it. I would almost rather other people tell the news so I don't have to do it.
I hope your treatment goes well.
I just said I was on Personal Leave. I don't know how much people know. I don't care if they know, but it is just difficult to talk about.
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I completely relate. I think finding out you have cancer is traumatic and I've had a secretive response - telling family, my partner and my sons - but otherwise generally not wanting to talk about it. Yes, I think there's some magical thinking there! It might go away... I think oddly I have shied away from sympathy or concern because I thought it would weaken me. It takes time! I've come to realize I DO need to talk to others going through it. :) Peace and strength. Stay in the "present"
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I was diagnosed in Dec. Still going through all the hoops before surgery date. I told my close people at work. One has gone through what I'm about to. I can't tell my students(I'd cry) but told my co teacher to tell them while I'm absent. It's going to filter out eventually.....and that's ok. I've had a few ask and if I consider them a valued friend, I will tell them but if not I'll keep it general. Telling my daughter was the hardest because of what it might look like for her and then my two granddaughters. On the other hand, it's kind of amazing to see the people that step up and then those you'd think would? and how badly they handle it. And agree with other post, I have to keep it at arms length....I haven't had a major melt down about it......and I have to protect myself because right now isn't the time for me to have one!
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It just seems unfair. And an unexpected burden. Sorry just feel like venting. I mean when you have cancer you expect to go through a difficult treatment and to feel scared. But to add in all these awkward conversations on top of it!!!!! So annoying. Yeah at this point I would be fine with people telling other people behind my back so I don't have to deal with it.
Makes me think of Terms of Endearment
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I agree you should do what is right for you. I told important people to me and then a week later I posted on Facebook and said it wasn't a dirty secret and this is what is going on. Message me if you have experience with it and want to, and just know that I'm still me and you can just treat me like normal. I got loads of supportive comments and messages. For me it was the right thing to do. Each to their own. I had a couple of cranks tell me things but mostly it was 99% good stuff for me. All the best sisters <3
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This is why I like posting here! So great to chat with women going through it....helps me feel a lot less weird as I continue to struggle (7 years post-dx, surgery and radiation). For me, now, it's the resurgence of fear when I need to see my oncologist. And then there are the "incidental findings" that scare the crap out of me and lead to more friggin tests. The CT to look into my arm and chest pain that finds a lung nodule - that needs to be monitored with a PET and another CT in a year - oh, then showing the lung nodule has shrunk (yay) but seeing some mysterious small liver lesions that now need an MRI to identify for sure. :( I actually told my supervisor about all this - he's a kind man nearing retirement age - and the guy then repeatedly asked me if there was "any news" 4x in a week! I had to tell him to mellow out because I was trying to keep it together myself. But none of that "shocked horror" from y'all...cuz you know what it's all about. Peace, calm and healing to all the ladies on this site.
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So truly delighted to find this thread! I thought I might change my mind but really can’t seem to (Mar-Sept 2023 diagnosis, treatment, chemo). Anyway I am a very private person and feel questions about health shouldn’t be a topic with others. For my husband’s sake I was okay with him telling HIS close friends and he graciously let my immediate siblings know. He needed that but I do not. I found a wonderful support group on ZOOM that fits me perfectly. I told my sibs that I don’t want to talk about it and they are respecting that. Great family!
Everything about BC seems awkward and invasive to me. Incredibly, people I know (not best friends, but more than just casual) don’t seem to notice my wig (guess I got a great one) and sure covid helped. Now trying to figure out how to ditch the wig and reemerge with very short hair (feels awkward too) and what to say/do when I see others. Never want to come across as rude. Retired so no work related stresses :-)
Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated! TIA - JK
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I can just imagine! Your well intentioned supervisor asking you if you might have cancer again four times a week. How difficult! And yet he means well. And I know what you mean, all the testing almost seems worse than the disease itself and yet I am grateful my cancer was detected early. The testing is very invasive and time consuming and painful and stressful.
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I just broke down and sent a message to ten of my coworkers telling them about my cancer. Because it felt awful with them tiptoing around me. Really awkward. And I wasn't sure how much they talked among themselves. And with all the time I am working from home and not working, obviously something is going on. So I decided it was better to tell them. I am five weeks out from my mastectomy but now I have an infection in my expander which is causing me to take off more time.
We'll see if this makes it less awkward or not.
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It's really hard. I just decided today to tell a group of colleagues during group supervision on zoom....told them I'm going for an MRI tomorrow, I had cancer 7 years ago and I think I'm gonna be okay, but I'm scared. It both felt good - we always start these meetings by going around and talking about how we're doing and I'd feel like a liar saying "oh, I'm ok" - but awkward after. I didn't want to see anyone. I get this notion they will be looking at me like I'm a leper, and talking to me in hushed tones with sympathetic stares. It sounds crazy, I know, I want to be honest and share and at the same time don't want anyone to "mirror" my fear back at me! Hope your experience went okay....or became okay over time. All the best.
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I'm afraid I have no great ideas about how to handle it when you get rid of your excellent wig....get some good earrings? Go to town with new makeup? IF they comment..maybe a smile and "oh, it's my new look". Vague, but who cares?! If it works and your comfortable saying it, that's what matters. I would LOVE to find a zoom support group. I live in northern NY in the Adirondacks...no support groups that I can find and actually go to that aren't far away and in the middle of the work week. boo. Any suggestions on that I'd appreciate! :) 🐓
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I am a five year survivor going on six. Was not married, no children when I was diagnosed. I told my boss and seems he blabbed it cause another boss came to me talking as though I was going to die? I can’t explain how that made me feel. Also my cousin who took me to one of my surgeries put it on her Facebook. After that, another cousin saw it and wanted to know if they could come see me. I declined cause he was a male, and we were not even close. I am very private as well, and would have preferred to remain so. So yes I would do what I felt best for me.
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Faith - so sorry for such a delayed response! love the "new look" idea and will run with that! going to my first hair appointment next week YIKES! Here's the link for the zoom groups. https://www.breastcancer.org/community/virtual-meetups - i started in the "in treatment" group and graduated to the Bonded by Breast Cancer - those of us that are through the worst of it, but still need support ;-) I hope one of the times works for you. p.s. they have lots of support for everyone.
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Thank you and good luck with your hair! Have fun with it..... Very much appreciate the link. I was given a very positive, worry-free result from my liver MRI yesterday and am feeling a little like a newborn, seeing the world through beginner eyes. I'd like to get some support regularly when it doesn't feel like a crisis. Best wishes
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