How to deal with unsupportive family

Sometimes writing it in a letter comes across better.

I'm sorry I can't offer more advice or be helpful. Coming on this site to vent and complain is a great start!!!

I pray you get better days ahead and that care is sent your way!!!

Hi—I am new to this scene, but can relate on some level. My husband has advance esophageal cancer. His family , who would describe themselves as close knit, have been virtually AWOL thus far. They only live an hour away. In Have made it very easy and very clear, that their help and support is welcomed, needed, and appreciated. All I can say is that they are mostly pretty narcissistic individuals and it starts with mom. No excuses. Not even a visit to him/us, never a mention of my efforts to keep them informed, never a question or concern for me as caregiver and supporter of all. Never words to encourage hubby or be present. I too come from a pretty narcissistic family. Mostly, all in my family but 1 have called and visited him and me—-more than I expected. I guess my expectations were so low to begin with that even a small investment of care and concern is something worth appreciating. Less disappointing with low or no expectations. So, I don’t have any great wisdom, other than you can’t get apples from an orange tree. You may reap something , but an orange is still an orange and an apple an apple….will always be . A counselor used that analogy with ,me to help me process the hurt and frustrations I felt dealing with my own selfish family members. Some just don’t have the skills, some just want to remain apple trees even if you need an orange. It’s sort of like, “ what’s your problem? I am fine producing apples. Get your oranges some place else.” I am fortunate to have friends who have filled in the gaps at times. In the end, it is they , our family members who are broken in such a way…. You are perfectly you! Thankfully, you have chosen to be different in life. Peace is a gift worth seeking:)🍊🍊🍊

Having gone through a year of non-support at home, I can relate!

Without going into details of my own trials, I'd rather offer some suggestions that worked for me, and might ease your suffering somewhat...I hope.

Instead of expecting help from the people closest to me, who seemed to have no heart or love for me at the time, I reached out by phone or online to friends from around the country--people I knew who loved me and would do anything for me in the ways that are so important. Five friends allowed me to call day or night, especially in the darkest times of suffering, before surgery, through months of excruciating pain. Most of my friends don't sleep anyway so that really helped. I remember times when I'd pull over and park by the water to cry over the phone with them. During radiation, one friend actually took time off from work to travel and stay with me for a week, where she made healthy meals, served them to me, and cleaned up! I cried almost constantly from gratitude. When we're not cared for, it really hurts, and feels so isolating and frustrating. What we need and want is to have the time during treatments to be one of healing and peace. Even though the treatments seem and are like just another form of torture, it's what we have to be able to take care of ourselves!

Music. I'm a classical pianist and I relied heavily on listening to my favorite music to and from treatments (23 total, 45 minutes each way). It not only passed the time, but helped me keep connected to my emotions, whatever they may be. I didn't want to go through it detached and zombie-like. It felt great to cry and throw fits of anger and laugh with joy at being able to get the care I needed.

Concerning your mother, without sounding cold, I'd lower the bar and stop expecting anything from her. She is obviously unable to give. It's sad really. I had a policy not to let any brown goo into my life anymore, since I too, experienced feelings that my uterine cancer was exacerbated, sped up, and worsened by my frustrations at home. I'd put myself last just when I needed to put myself first. Releasing expectations really helped.

Lastly, remember that your care team is there entirely for you. They are angels in human form.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find a way to receive some true help. This is a great site. I've only been part of it for a couple of weeks, but I've found a lot of supportive, caring women here.

Carol

Hi there @1t1twonder,

I can relate 100% and I am so glad you shared because I've never run across anyone else who's also experienced the burden caused by an unsupportive family. I've experienced the same range of emotions as you've described. It hurts. ...it hurts beyond belief. Unless you're interested, I'll save the details. ... but I did want to mention that shortly after my diagnosis, I discovered a very hateful side of my husband. ... and the night before my mastectomy, I was served divorce papers.

But back to my words of wisdom -- I finally got tired of the gut wrenching hurt of how distant my family has been, so ..... I've opted to let them go. I stopped updating them with anything new; I stopped asking for help, and I have learned the hard way to not let them know when I need some emotional support. I should have been prepared, but I also realized just how seldom I hear from them anymore.

But you know what helps tremendously?

***Support groups like ours.

***Leaning into the power of positive thinking.

***An unwavering commitment to our faith.

***Full trust in our medical team.

The results? Unsurmountable grace.

PS I've realized such a blessing throughout all of this - real family isn't always biologically related.

You can also reach out to your local non-profits as well. There are centers that can assist with therapy and other recovery needs. Please keep up the counselor sessions and take it day by day. You are not responsible for the actions of others, don't take on that unnecessary burden. Keep moving forward and maintain your resolve and mental strength.