Coping, depression, healing

misstaylor84 · April 2022

I think now I am 10 weeks post-hysterectomy and things feel fine for the most part. It still hurts more than it used to when I wake up with a full bladder and need to pee but I can wear one pair of jeans with a stretchier waistband. Anything else is too uncomfortable. Stomach area is starting to feel less mushy and bloated. Sex is improving. I have lots of bad days, especially lately. I wasn't able to have kids before this stupid cancer and don't think going the surrogate route will be anything we could afford and I'm done with medical stuff. If I never go back to any doctor that will be ok by me. I don't realistically think fostering/adopting will be an option for us either, due to our situation and probably ending up always living with my parents. My mom hates kids and my brother's temper isn't suitable for having kids around him. My dad had a stroke 2 years ago after surgery and is still completely blind and can't walk on his own or do much of anything. My parents don't make enough money to pay their bills and afford groceries but can't get food stamps because they make too much so my husband thinks it will be best if we just live with them. Our house needs major work that we can't afford to do and he wants me to wait until his family visits in June before I look for a job.

My mom is severely depressed and won't take meds for it and she is very short tempered with my dad and doesn't take care of him like he needs. Dad is depressed because he can't see or do anything and my mom and brother both treat him like his existence is so hard on them. Dad would rather sleep all day and for the most part, he does. He wakes up, has coffee, goes back to bed until about 4. If he wants up earlier my mom gets a **** attitude with him. If I say anything to either her or my brother it will start world war 3 and dad sides with them anyway so I end up not talking to anyone and just stay out of the way. Hubby is gone for work all week so I'm either in our bedroom (office, but we put an air mattress in it and that's where we sleep) or in the barn with my rabbits.

I haven't been this depressed and hopeless since I had to come back home after running out of money for college years ago.

NoTimeForCancer · April 2022

Oh Missy, I am so sorry to hear everything you have going on. I wish I had a magic wand to make things better, but I don't so I ask what else can I do? Let's break it down bit by bit here. The swelling, I remember I couldn't believe it took for the bloating/swelling to go down. I didn't think I would ever get back to anything normal, but it just takes time and I wanted it now.

As for everything else going on, it does sound like you get some joy from being with your rabbits, and I am thrilled your have them. With so much going on around you, try to continue to find things that make you happy. Music? Reading? things you can get joy for your soul.

It might help to find someone you can talk to who can put you in touch with resources locally on those "good for YOUR soul" things.

Hugs dear. You are in my heart.

Harmanygroves · April 2022

Missy --

I have a great deal of respect for anyone who helps others. I have always been one to work at staying cheerful and positive, even when surrounded by a-hats. Your mother and brother (UGH) sound miserable. Who cares why? They just are. And yes, leaving your dad in bed so it's "easier on them" is cruel, especially given his level of need.

I understand your husband's desire for you to stay home until his family visits, but where do they play to stay? Is it realistic to bring them into your home with depressed mom, invalid dad, and nasty cruel brother? Having some income (extra) could help, but honestly, I'm that person who would work two jobs, move my dad out of the house and elsewhere, and let the mom and brother rot.

But that's just me!

It's always so much easier to advise others. Like NTFC said, focus on the positives:

a. Your bunnies. You love them.

b. sex is getting better. YAY!!!!!!

c. Tummy is less mushy, WIN!!!!

And I can hear your sassy voice coming back. Now the kids and babies thing: bless their little hearts, they are a noisy handful and a project. If you don't want to take them in, focus on the best darn marriage and life you can put together.

Your parents will not be around forever, and I hope and pray you get through this very rough time in your life. It may be that if you are appointed your father's guardian, you could move him into YOUR home and care-provide for him. I sense that the surroundings could possibly merit your being appointed, to be honest. Just something to consider. Counseling may also be something you consider for yourself. I think it may be helpful for you to "lay out" the current scenario to someone who can help you "tease out" that which you can do something about, and that which you can not.

Consider "The Serenity Prayer."

Sending you love,

Deb 2

misstaylor84 · April 2022

Deb, right now we have no house. We are living with them because our house needs so much work it's not livable in right now and that's another thing we can't change until I go to work because we can just afford our car payment (which we haven't been able to drive since end of January because we couldn't pay sales tax and get tags) and electric and gas bill and a little grocery money to help them out.

His family is coming in June and the first two days they are staying in a hotel here in town, then that weekend me and hubby are going with them to Branson, MO, then they will stay in hotel here the last 2 days. We don't have a house to put them up in and my parent's house isn't that big either. We have an air mattress in the room they had set up as an office and it's just big enough for the air mattress.

I don't understand how my mom can be the way she is but I honestly think my dad would be better off in a nursing home and frankly, if it wasn't for my dad and us having nowhere else to go, I'd probably barely see or talk to my mom or my brother. Her and my brother are exactly the same and she's always favored him more than me. Growing up, he could spit in their faces and cuss them out and they'd let him get away with it. Anything he did to annoy me on purpose, I had to ignore, or else I'd get in trouble. Everything he ever wanted, he got. He'd get mad and break his playstation, xbox, etc and just get a new one every Christmas. He got ATVs, guns, etc. We grew up on a commercial poultry farm and had 4 houses. I helped my dad in them every day from the time I was 8, never got paid, never asked for pay. He wouldn't even help unless dad paid him. My dad had a horrible tractor accident when I was 8 and dealt with pain and couldn't do as much after the accident and my brother still would never help unless he got paid. That's how awful my brother is and they allowed that. He would even throw kitchen knives at me if my parents left us alone while they went to town for groceries, etc. I spent a large chunk of my childhood alone to keep away from him. I will never love my brother or get along with him and I'll be damned if they expect us to take care of him when they aren't able to. It's not gonna happen. I am beyond done with him and his **** attitude.

I keep rabbits because yes, I do love them and enjoy them and I get to talk to other like-minded rabbit people lol, and they are also a great source of a little income. Plus, I go sit in the barn to get away from mom and brother.

I just want a house of our own that I don't have to share with my family and I want enough land to have our rabbits, dogs, horses, and some cattle on it. And maybe a few goats for cheap entertainment lol