The last 14 weeks

Hello

Since my last post about my fathers death a lot happened. I wanted to tell you what exactly happened in November. Until now I have problems to understand everything.

23rd November my dad had the CT but even before they had results Papa decided to stop the treatment and he only wanted pain killers.

A lot anxiety left my body then. The fight was over. I told Papa that I would fly back on Friday 26th November, after my practical and theoretical test in gynecology. I asked him if he could wish me luck what he usually does before exam. He said he will be there.

Mama told me later that the CT showed that the treatment failed. I never read anything about it. But my imagination tells me that his liver was just cancer.

The palliative doctor came and put in a urinary catheter. She actually said that a hospital stay for that over night would be better but Papa didnt want to go to the hospital ever again. His stoma was bleeding, the cancer was surrounding his intestines. He had a big belly and you could see the cancer masses protruding.

24th I called in the morning so my dad could wish me luck for that practical exam. I did not have it that day but it was the last time he said. 6 hours later my mom called and told me I should come home. I spent 900 Euro for getting home. First my Mama was like, it is not that urgent to spend 900 Euro. But Papa was ok with it. During these 10h I was driving home my Mama was all the time worried I would not make it.

I did make it. I thought I could spend more time with my dad but I was already greeted with the smell of death. He was so happy to see me that I came so fast. I think he was only fighting to have all his loved ones here with him.

The GP and palliative nurse came, did their best. I told them I can give him morphine for 1 day and the GP said ok. The GP always wanted to make sure that I am the daughter and not caretaker.

And then we were waiting for his death. It is terrible, terrible that you see everything you learned about death experiencing with your dad. When the morphine syringes were empty we called the church nurse because I didnt want to prepare the syringes. The nurse really liked Papa, came of course and checked if he has something that might help. We are really thankful for him.

My grandma was also there and she was getting on my nerves. It felt that she was more important than Mama, my sister and me. She couldnt even move when I gave Papa morphine. Mama said I should not be mad but I am. For me she was dead when she said after Papa last surgery if it would not be better to not wake up from the anesthesia. Then she said that I took distance from Papa in the last weeks. First I took distance from her and second I was coming home from the hospital. After I took my shower I was hugging him, sitting next to him.

26h after my arrival Papa died at home. He looked so peaceful but was so quit. I visited him 3 times after. First time I couldnt realize, 2nd was just painful, I wanted him to come back. 3rd visit I hugged him but he didnt feel like my dad. Just cold and hard.

The palliative team said we could call when it happened and the doctor would certify his death. When we called at 7am, they said it is the GPs work. We were so disappointed in the palliative team. I knew that a dead person would not be the first patient they would do. I know the GP would work as fast as she can but if the practice would be full, it would take time.

These hours were the hardest. Papas body was just a wall away but he was dead.

But the strangest thing happened. When I was lying down on the couch I was imagining my dad hugging me. 'Remember the good times', he said and I did that. I thought how his arm would surround me and his hand would be on my back. Where I imagined his hand would be, my back got warm. His soul was touching me. Finally the GP came and she told us that his soul was now free from the body that caused him so much pain. She told me that even though she was a doctor, she believed me that his soul was there.

My Papa planned a last Christmas gift for us. A necklace and a friend of ours gelped. I know it was not Papas idea but he decided how it would look like. My Mama asked why she didnt get a gift and he told her that he cant give her what she wishes for. More time with him.

I took a sick leave from university. When a person dies, there is so much to handle. Even though my parents were partners, everything had to transferred to my Mama. His bank account was blocked.

A friend of ours was a huge help. He was there for us, even now. I invited him to my graduation in summer. But I still wish Papa would be here.

My mom and me have to learn now how to argue. Papa was always stoping our arguments and Mama was always closer to my sister and I was closer to Papa. I felt alone, left out. I felt jealous when I saw my friends partying, when people had a happy Christmas.

I needed a break from cancer simply because I was so jealous of others. Why did the chemo not work when it worked so long in others? I know it sounds so bad here in this forum and I want to apologize. I am happy that the chemo works and helps people here, I just wish it could have worked for my Papa too.

I also see death differently. As a future doctor, I always thought that death is my enemy. As a doctor I will still try to fight but I also realized that death is harder for the living, the ones left behind. For the person in pain, death might simply be the cure. A separation from the soul suffering in a damaged body.

After this long message, I know you hope for something good. I have to disappoint you. 26 days after my Papa, my grandpa died in the hospital. In not even 4 weeks my mom lost her husband and father. In 6 weeks we had 2 deaths and 2 funerals. It was scary to go through the motions again, seeing someone die again. My mom visited and she said that grandpa breathes like Papa. It is scary to go through all this a 2nd time when the last time is so fresh. I dont think that I have grieved for my grandpa yet but if I know something about my grandpa, he doesnt mind. He loved us, he also lost his dad at a young age, and he liked Papa more than we knew. He wouldnt mind that I did not grieve yet. A friend said that something broke inside my grandpa, when his son in law died. My dad also never wanted to die before my grandpa.

So Christmas did not exist for us. New years not either.

Let us go to the good part now. We adopted my grandfathers dog. He gave us so much joy and structure. I am glad my mom is not alone at home.

I am back at the university. It is easy to make up classes when the reason you missed them is your fathers death. I have 3 more classes to make up and then I am done.

Some days are harder. My moms birthday 2 weeks ago. Next Saturday is my dads birthday. Sometimes I just cry for 5 minutes and contimue to study then. University life is strange. The first weeks I thought a lot of times I have to tell my dad then realizing that he wont answer when I call. I hated when friends who knew were like 'Silvia I am so sorry'. Sometimes you just wanted your life to continue.

Otherwise I am busy. Make up classes, exams, normal classes, make up exams. Finally, I can just study for one exam next month. Unfortunately, it is also the biggest one...

I will pop by here and there. I will not always write. Writing is sometimes still hard. But I am up to date for some people who have been here for me.

I wanted to thank you for your condolences and prayers! At some point I will come back and help new people here. But I will change my user name then to Tueffel M.D. so probably at some point after June.

Silvia