Keeping our mental game strong during treatment

What an interesting topic, Tamlen. I found it so interesting that it was something you read shortly after joining that gave you help.

I know I found this after all my treatment had ended and I had gone through it pretty much on my own. That is an interesting journey as you can imagine. I know I still struggled to find information on my cancer and others who had or were dealing with it this was such a happy landing. I did find that that there were posts I could not and chose not to read back then and the more I get in to survivorship I see differently.

Fortunately I think since I found this so long ago I do think there is more out there as newer platforms continue to be developed.

Thank you for bringing this topic to the top of a new thread. I agree moving is a good way for everyone to keep us healthier in body and mind.

I hesitated to respond to this thread since I didn't really do any of things that others have written about during my own treatment. I didn't make any improvements to my diet, nor did I use any dietary supplements or take anti-anxiety medication. I also didn't practice meditation, visual imagery or other stress-relieving techniques and I only read a couple of the self-help cancer books that friends gave me.

I worked and exercised modestly during my "phase 1" chemo, but didn't do much of either during "phase 2" chemo when I was really fatigued and weak. My concentration was also very bad during "phase 2."

Although I hoped that my treatment would buy me more time, I knew the odds weren't really in my favor. But I had put my financial affairs in order some years earlier, so I didn't have to worry about those matters.

I'm usually pretty pragmatic, so I while was certainly very sad and prone to bouts of weepiness at times during this period, I didn't find that my mood was all that different the rest of the time. I will say that my usual snarky sense of humor definitely took on a "gallows" tinge at times, which probably made others uncomfortable. But they were good sports about it for the most part and my attitude worked for me.

When I first started reading the board after my treatment was over, I felt a bit inadequate that I hadn't tried many of the things others did to improve their lives during treatment. And I still admire all those who have made life styles changes for the better. But in my case, even the prospect of imminent death didn't motivate me to make any substantive changes. I guess that makes me a cancer survivor slacker.

Tamlen - the work to keep it together is important, and I remember reading about your pacman visualization! That was helpful for me.

I tried saying to myself every morning as I put my feet on the floor, "Today is going to be a great day." I got that from a book about Small Habits (sorry, title escapes me, but you get the picture).

I exercised as much as I possibly could, although I often didn't feel like moving. I was depressed, anxious, and a wreck, and told myself that those feelings were pretty normal. I researched feelings of others related to cancer, and discovered I was getting seriously short-changed in mental health help, so made efforts to talk with others about my feelings. I decided I didn't want to deal with counselors. The reflective listening, silent nodding, and etc. just annoyed me, so I worked on my own healthy habits: positive self-talk, writing, taking care of my body, reasoning with my very anxious and depressed self.

My hobbies and interests: I exploited every interest I could barely muster interest in! I played piano and violin a lot. I played with my band as much as I could, and I performed when I was only six weeks off radiation. Two nights in a row, packing equipment in and out, setting up, sound checks, and full on performance. It kicked my ***, but I did it---not so much for me, but for my band mates. I tried to keep things normal. I grew fruit, and canned fruit. I canned hot pepper jelly. I went shopping at thrift stores. If I liked it before, I pulled it out of the closet and tried to like it again---even when I didn't much even like myself, my body, my new body with pain and swelling, and all that. I forced myself into the shower every day (missed a few).

Family dynamics: I allowed myself to be angry at people who disappointed me, and although I couldn't forgive all of them for being distant when I needed to talk (they were afraid and incapable of supporting my feelings), I tried to understand what I interpret as gross inadequacy in empathy and love. Yep, gross inadequacy in empathy and love! If I were to grade some of my nearest and dearest, they'd get a full on F, perhaps a D. Ha! We must be able to smirk, if not laugh, about our beloveds' inabilities to just freaking listen, for God's sake.

I tried to not be negative, speak lovingly, help, prepare meals, and be kind on the homefront, even when I felt horrible. That said, when I had radiation sickness, I stayed home alone with one foot on the floor and a glass of water nearby and didn't do a thing. If I felt "that bad," I honored it.

Fruits and vegetables--these increased. That said, if I really wanted ice cream, I ate it.

When my gyn oncologist disappointed me tremendously with his inappropriate exam and rude discussion, I left that clinic and got a whole new team. I honored my judgment and gut reaction.

When I felt stressed or confused about my feelings, or my physical problems, I forgave myself for my imperfections and tried to keep moving forward. I very much adopted the "one day at a time" motto, and at times, went one hour at a time.

After some time, I began to limit my "cancer research" hours, as I was basically devouring everything I could learn. As a teacher--and a very successful university student--I'm a researcher, and will not stop until I know my area of deep interest. I will figure it out, whatever "it" is. As with most great questions, sometimes with health issues, the quantity of variables make absolute knowledge and understanding unattainable. I got close, though! I got the answers I needed to understand my personal situation. I had to let go, however. Let go and just breathe, sip water, sleep, work, play music, and let the doctors do some of the worrying. Seriously.

Thanks for allowing me to share some of my strategies.

Tamlen,

Love reading your 'head games' and I will reread them and the responses of others. I still need them, post chemo,post radiation, pre scan and in the dessert of no active treatment.

I did some visualization myself. I read about killer t cells and helper t cells. Killer t cells kill cancer directly and helper t cells orchestrate and organize the attack. I felt well enough to walk about 3/4 to 1 mile during chemo. I would visualize my t cells attacking cancer cells with an audible "Charge" voiced from the helpers. Then "go t cells go" within my brain. I still walk and cheer on the t's!

I will share a story. One day while walking and crying feeling very very sorry for myself, I decided to take a shortcut across the grass rather than stay on the path. Big mistake! The ground was so wet at one point near a slight run off creek bed, both my feet sunk down into gunk up to my knees. I stood there thinking now what? I looked around, no one! I wondered if I could pull out, would my shoes be left behind? I laughed. Golly! You are on your own, kid. I leaned over, grabbed the gunk on the ground curled my toes inside my shoes and crawled up the bank. Whew! I really felt that God showed me what a real pit was and I crawled out.

I love tv, always have. I had a hard time reading during chemo, too. I read and reread, retaining nothing so I borrowed Northern Exposure from the library. I watched all 6 seasons. I felt like the character Fleishman and myself shared a 'fish out of water' vibe along with the challenge of isolation. The love exhibited between these characters and their various philosophy on life uplifted me everyday.

I still prefer kinder/gentler fare and am currently viewing That Girl. I think Marlo Thomas is a lovely person and her connection to St. Jude is wonderful. I love the retro fashion, too. I fall asleep to Ann Marie's escapades every night.

Cmb, Tamlen and all Lovely Ladies,

The email 'Ready to say your goodbyes' cracked me up! Talk about timing!

I can relate to your gallows humor. Sometimes life just forces us to emote humor with skepticism and sarcasm. The Dark Force. I confess, it frees my fears better than pity.

I take quite a few supplements and food additives. A couple of friends were curious about my tumeric usage so I was telling them how I add it to casseroles and such. They asked if I felt it was beneficial. Then I added, "Oh, yes! Look at me, I have had two separate cancers dx's in 8 years" I am not certain I gained any tumeric converts.