depression

rlrowley
rlrowley Member Posts: 2 Member
edited February 2022 in Colorectal Cancer #1

Hey, first time on here, a year ago i was diagnosed with 4 dominant genetic mutations which guarantee that i will have 4 types of cancer. since then, because of the MUTYH associated polyopsis, i had 5 colonoscopies, the removed in total 212 cancerous polyps, leaving hundreds more, but then they noticed a4cm tumor on the right kidney, so in april last year they removed it, then in august, a total ileostomy, then i ran out of savings and could not maintain my insurance, had to cancel the pip scan on my lungs and my oncology appts. denied ssi and disability, i have appealed, locally, all assistance is ear marked for "covid" so very little help there. I am totally dependent on the kindness of others to even exist, and if you haven;t noticed kindness is in short supply these days, i do have an advocate trying to get me some help, but how do you handle all this. of course there is more, and i mean more hurtful than all this, going on, but after a year my mental fortitude is all but gone, i hate to admit it, but some really stupid things have crossed my mind lately. when you are alone, what do you do, how do you distract yourself, how to you reach out for help without everyone admonishing and belittling you. and at what point does it become not worth it.

Comments

  • feckcancer
    feckcancer Member Posts: 189 Member
    edited February 2022 #2

    I am so sorry this is all happening to you. It sounds very hard to deal with and I am not surprised you are having some dark days.

    Apparently 90% of your happy hormones are made in your gut so as your gut is not well that will also be contributing to your depression as well as all of the other stuff going on.

    I don't know if this is helpful to you but when I had cancer there were some awful people in my life , some were family , so I made a decision to only tell and associate with people that were on my side because I figured I had to concentrate only on myself and getting better and stress from these types wouldn't help so become selfish in a good way by only allowing people that truly love you or want to help you in your life.

    its remarkably easy to tell the ones that don't love you what they want to hear to keep them at arms length so you can get on with things that help you. (I could tell I had made the right choice because when it was all over and I was NED their first and only reaction was anger at me because didn't tell them and that anger from them has never gone so they have gone from my life )

    Can you get some free counselling? does your local cancer society provide free counselling ? Does your doctor or hospitals have social workers?

    Maybe there is someone on here that can give you some guidance on agencies that can help you.

    I hope life gets better for you soon. I can imagine it is so hard to maintain the energy you need to move into a better place for you. Try to ignore anything or anyone that is not contributing to you getting better. Eat as healthily as you can to nourish your gut and boost your happy hormones as much as you can. take fish oil tablets and vitamin B if you can to help good mental health. look into meditation to help soothe your soul and breathe. Rest and sleep well and do things that make you happy no matter how hard that is. Try to trust your advocate  and let her take on as much of your mental distress as possible and again, please stay away from people that aren't good for you. They are not worth it and you deserve better. Make it about you

    take care x

    PS: before I had treatment of chemo and radiation I had 100's of polyps too that were found in the initial colonoscopy (I didn't have colorectal cancer but some of the polyps they removed were the type that causes that type of cancer .

    about a year after finishing treatment I had another colonoscopy and they were all gone except 4 which got removed. The doctors don't know how or why they disappeared, may have been the chemo/radiation, but i have since read about how some people with bad teeth can get 100's of polyps and i had all my teeth removed, sinus lifts, bone grafts , bone reshaping and implant's over that time so who knows ???? But I brush and floss and water floss and tongue scrap and gargle and mouthwash much more now

  • StonedCamaro
    StonedCamaro Member Posts: 38 Member
    #3

    Pray! That's what I rely on when I have nothing else. I trust that God will provide what I need to make it through. And that in all the scary places...he was with me.

    I pray you get the miracles you so desire!

    Your here for a reason and breathing is all you have to do.

  • feckcancer
    feckcancer Member Posts: 189 Member
    #4
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1693378#Comment_1693378

    oh you just reminded me of this little canvas I found when I was at my lowest. It still is hanging in my bedroom today as a reminder. And if prayer is not your thing just concentrate on what you believe in. Hang in there.

    faith.jpg


  • rlrowley
    rlrowley Member Posts: 2 Member
    #5

    WOW, you folks are great, my area was initially and still is hit heavy with covid, the area i live in is known nationally for having one of the best cancer centers around. In five days in will be exactly one year since i found out my diagnosis. And, I have cut all the "so called friends and family out, but what do you do when it is your own children? i don;t know any of you personally so i guess it is ok to share this, but last week on of my twin sons, whom lives with me, he is 24, in the last year he has not offered to or paid any rent, i am a year behind, he has paid the electric, he uses, the internet, he uses, now he has paid my cell bill so i can keep up with doctors. he told me i was a burden to him, the he and his girlfriend have put their lives on hold for a year for me, they want to get an apt. in aug. and he can;t do that if he has no money so he is going to live with his mother, her boyfriend, her two girlfriends, and his brother. he and his brother are invitro babies, their mother and i have since divorced, but we both worked three jobs, and starved ourselves for a year just to conceive them. i raised them on my own, mom left when they were one, i was a fool, i made the decision to dedicate my life to them. and now, i am not even worth spending anytime with even though i am dying of cancer, i did not raise them to be that cold and shallow, but i guess that is what happens when you become a burden to someone.

  • StonedCamaro
    StonedCamaro Member Posts: 38 Member
    edited February 2022 #6

    Yep, kids can be the biggest A**holes! My oldest quit being such an a-hole, after moving out. But is still pretty distant and self involved. Some kids don't stop until much later like their late 30's or more. Physiologist told me once when they were a teen, "not every choice and action they make is a result of my parenting."

    Plus, I do think the future is painted a bit bleeker than it was for us...weather your a boomer or X'er. Plus tech has made them all self centered monsters. Unfortunately they may wait too long to tell you the thanks and their true depth of love they have...and then they will have to live with that.😔

    Give them space and do/say things that you truly feel are helpful or sentimental. Maybe write things down or make videos clips of fond memories, advice, etc. My hubs can get long winded and I see our kids get glazed over...so keep it short and sweet😉

    Praying they come around before it's too late. But you, do you, for you 1st! There is some kind of lesson or meaning for it all...try to be brave enough to be enlightened. Best of luck!

  • StonedCamaro
    StonedCamaro Member Posts: 38 Member
    #7
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1693386#Comment_1693386

    Yes... exactly that! And if I'm knocked flat...still I will pray🙏💓

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