Lost My Best Friend

kalee0221
kalee0221 Member Posts: 9 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1

Hello, I’m new here. My name is Kam. I’ve lost family members to cancer before, but nothing compares to the loss of my best friend. I fell in love with him right before he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2019. He passed away a week before my birthday on November 22 of this year. I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love him. None of my friends understand my grief, and they don’t know what to say. My chest feels so heavy, and I just don’t know who to talk to or how to move through these emotions. Losing someone you love in that way to cancer is a different kind of hurt. I’ve been through a lot, but nothing like this. Any words of encouragement or advise are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Comments

  • NewHere
    NewHere Member Posts: 1,428 Member
    #2

    I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

    The ACS has resources for family/caregivers https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers.html

    You can also call to see if there are recommendations.

    There are often local groups and grief counselors everywhere (not just ACS) You can start with a search on the internet for people/places that are local to you. There are also the apps on the phones where you can get interactive counseling.

    I would highly suggest looking into all the options - if there is something out there that can help you through this, you should find it and use it.

    I have lost too many people in my life from various things. I know how I felt. With time the pain will start to ease and you will think back and smile more, rather than cry or feel sad. Of course there will always be the moments when you will feel sad even down the road. That is normal. But until then, try to look into the above.

  • SnapDragon2
    SnapDragon2 Member Posts: 720 Member
    #3

    My heart is breaking for you! Losing someone you love is a lonely place and life changing. Some advice my mom gave me was "You will never be the same, you will always carry him thru all your days and you have to "relearn your days" to get thru them.

    I hope and pray you find peace some how, some way, some day.

    I have lost 4 of my family, all young and tragic. It will take time to find that place and relearn your days where you smile at memories more than you cry about the hole in your heart and lonely pain only you can feel.

  • Real Tar Heel
    Real Tar Heel Member Posts: 307 Member
    #4

    Hi

    I'm sorry you're coming here with this news. I have a friend who lost 2 husbands to cancer and is a survivor herself. No one really knows how to deal with it, she has involved herself in charities that support people who lost close ones to cancer and of course on her child. Spending her energy on those things are one way.

    I think you are perhaps too close to the events. You need some time to figure things out. I know you want to reach out to others, it's the right way, but now you want to look for resources close to home, people who can really help you.

  • DanNH
    DanNH Member Posts: 186 Member
    #5

    Kalee: I am so sorry that you lost someone you love to this dreadful disease. You have already endured what no one should endure. I am a caretaker. My wife is in the midst of a fight against it now. It will drain you soul if you give it a chance. Don't give it that chance.

    Check out the chatroom if you haven't already done so. You will find the people there are sympathetic and helpful. Everyone in chat has either gone through it, is going through it, or is helping someone go through it. It gets going around 9:30pm EST. It is a very welcoming place.


    Dan

  • kalee0221
    kalee0221 Member Posts: 9 Member
    #6
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1691008#Comment_1691008

    Thank you for your kind words and support. I will definitely check out the chat room. I appreciate you sharing. Sending you and your wife lots of love.

  • beaumontdave
    beaumontdave Member Posts: 1,289 Member
    edited December 2021 #7

    I don't know the depth or nature of your pain, Kam, but I do know lots about my own. If it's so overwhelming, you need to slow down time and deal with just what's in front of you at the moment. Being in the moment, thinking only about what I'm doing became my first line in learning to cope. I also read copiously, and got a script for Xanax, for doctor stuff, funeral stuff, moments I needed to stop hurting. Later came trying for the mental discipline of Stoicism, mindfulness, and meditation. Six plus years later, I can still bring my heart to full boil in a few beats over my late wife, but I don't allow it very often, because that hurts as well, and reinforces that emotional spike. Pain will subside some for most of us, but loss is something you carry forward from here, even the biggest loss ever, and you need to start learning to deal with the strong feelings that can overwhelm any of us. Pain comes from loss, but it isn't love, nor is inflicting it inward as a monument to that love, an act of love. It's just pain, and can/must be dealt with, hourly or daily, at first if need be..........................................Dave

  • kalee0221
    kalee0221 Member Posts: 9 Member
    #8
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1691029#Comment_1691029

    Thank you, Dave, for your kind words. I’m sorry for your loss as well. When we lose someone we love dearly, it’s a different type of pain. I’m dealing with it, one day at a time, one hour at a time. Sometimes I feel okay, other times I feel depressed. I’m trying to take care of myself the best I can. I’ve made an appointment to see a grief counselor who also happens to be a cancer survivor herself. Being on this forum also helps me too. I am making it because of the immense amount of support and love I have received the past few days. I know I will move through this, and I know I’ll love someone just as much as I love him someday. I saw a quote that said grief is just love with no place to go. So, I’ve been transforming my pain into love.

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