11 years tomorrow

Since my husband had his first surgery. The one to remove the cancer from his Colon. Who knew that would be the easiest thing he did in all of this. I wish I had made him do the mop up chemo maybe things would be different right now. I feel like everyday he seems weaker to me. he has only managed to gain back 5lbs, a non functioning pancreas makes life impossible. The poor man basically lives in the bathroom because sometimes the enzymes are just not enough. His liver is not liking life these days, enzymes still high, portal hypertension, and an enlarged spleen. Now he has a nodule on his lung they noticed in December from Decenber to March it went from 2mm to 4mm. doctor said they won't do anything until it reaches 5mm and not to worry. Please let's get real, it's cancer it's always cancer by June I am sure it will be bigger and have friends. He can't do chemo ever again because of the damage to his liver so this will be it and he knows this. For the first time I think he has lost his fight. He can't go anyplace, can't really eat anything, has no energy, he keeps saying this isn't living.  We fight a lot because I am always making him eat, and asking him how he feels. he hides the truth but I see through it, hence the fights. It's hard to find much happiness these days. Covid has certainly added another layer of fear to the mix, luckily all of us (husband, me, and kids) get our second Pfizer dose this week and next. Hoping for minimal side effects I was horribly sick with my first dose, not looking forward to the second. Anyway not a positive post I know, and I have not been much help to anyone here lately but my mindset is not too good these days. I feel I don't have much to offer anyone.