my father died

mollypicon
mollypicon Member Posts: 1
in Emotional Support #1

Hello... I'm not sure where to post (the grief board is not very active!) My experience with cancer was over in a matter of days.

My 74-year-old father called me a few weeks ago- it was February 6th- and told me he had colon cancer. (We live across the country from one another). My parents were waiting for the test results from a biopsy and then they would know what could be done (chemo? surgery?) It was a total shock, from out of absolutely nowhere. I asked my father how he felt- did he feel sick- he said he felt okay. No one sounded very alarmed (this was probably pure denial, but I went with it).

 

I didn't talk to them for a few days- I just worried and decided I would discuss things with them once they knew more about the prognosis. I knew very little about cancer. I called them after their appointment with an oncologist to actually discuss the biopsy and MRI (I think. I'm not sure).My father was very frightened- he said the cancer was far along, it had spread to his liver and kidneys, and that the doctors wanted him to go into hospice. I flew across the country the next day, leaving my daughter and husband and hoping for the best.

I found my father in the ICU on life support. As far as I could gather, he had aspirated his food into his lungs after the diagnosis and his organs couldnot digest anything. He was in septic shock. They were waiting for me to arrive to put him into hospice. He died three days later, 10 days after the initial call to me.

I have a million things to deal with after his sudden death, but I am struggling to understand on the most basic level: what happened to my father? How did we not know he had cancer? How did he not know? He was diabetic and saw a doctor every other month for various tests. The last time I saw him, he did not seem well- he was unsteady, had lost weight, and was, for him, unhappy and grumpy. He did not complain of pain. I thought he had aged a lot, but that's all I thought it was. Is it possible to have such a terrible disease and not know? Is it possible that he felt something was wrong, but did not say anything (he was always hiding problems from me)? Is it possible that the shock of the diagnosis actually killed him?

 

It's too late to help him, but I am just trapped in grief and confusion.

Comments

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    #2
    Im so sorry you have to go

    Im so sorry you have to go through this pain. That must have been way to quick for you. Im a cancer survivor so dont have the answers for you but wanted to let you know i read you post and wanted to let you know your not alone. 

  • CancerFreeSunny
    CancerFreeSunny Member Posts: 76 Member
    edited March 2020 #3
    Your story is similar to my

    Your story is similar to my mom's story. She told me she had breast cancer but thought it was not too serious.. She said they would do a radical mastectomy and after awhile she came home. she went 5 years with no reoccurance. One day she told me she had congestive heart failure (Is that why she coughed my whole life and slept with her bed propped up?)she told me she had one year to live and I tried spending time with her. She had a weak voice when I called her but when she heard it was me, she perked up and each time told me she did not feel good. This lasted two weeks and i got a call from the hospital that she was on life support! I told the nurse that was a mistake because she had a year to live! She said get down here with your family right away. I got down there and she was lying flat on her back with all kinds of tubes and a breathing tube. She never woke up and we had to shut the machines off. 

     

    The point is, she did not complain about her breast cancer or her conjestive heart. She never talked about them. She did not want to worry us. When I went into her closet at her funeral. all her items were stacked in boxes, like she knew she was going and wanted to make it easier on us. 

     

    Your father may have known and wanted to keep it private, like my mom did. He may not have complained or drew attention to himself. I hope this might shed some light on your story. :)

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