Coping question

Anne's post is great.  I  do need to focus a bit more on the items Anne mentioned in terms of preperation - I am sort of at the point where focusing on that means to me that I am acknowledging cancer and my future a bit too much.  I figure if there is a time I start going south, I can take care of it.  Though of course I should be doing those things regardless of cancer. 

Some of my things on dealing for me  - obviously we all will think about it.    I know what is going on inside and what my odds are.  And there are times where it is absolutely crushing - when I think the chances are I will not be around to see my niece graduate high school and that even seeing my nephew enter high school is a real long shot.  Or hanging out and doing things with my wife and laughing and joking around, when all of a sudden thinking I won't be here to laugh or joke with her.  Or looking out the window and seeing the leaves changing and then wondering if it is the last time I will see this happen (I love the fall.)  It is overwhelming without a doubt.  And if I dwelled on those aspects too often, it would crush me.  Even typing this response, though I am not having the full feeling of what I am describing, does cause a knot in my stomach a bit.  

But I do my best to focus on the here and now and enjoy things as much as I can.  I am trying to make sure that if there is something my family and friends want to do, just do it and not postpone it for the myriad of excuses that we all can come up with.  Nothing like "Hey, I am dying you go to do this" but "Not a big deal if we are a bit  irrepsonsible or [dismiss whatever is in the way excuse.]   Spoil yourself, friends and family a bit.  Nothing crazy or irrepsonsible.  But things that just make life a tad more interesting.  For instance, when I travel I am not concerned if a nice hotel is a bit more than a cheaper hotel or AirBNB.  A bit more on a nice night out.  Go to an afternoon movie.  Little bits and pieces.  

For instance - today I found a running coach to try to help me improve  for my next races and went to a yoga class to see if I can a bit more flexible to help with things.  Could I maybe watch a video or read a book for the running and yoga?  Sure.  But there is something (for me) about having a live class or coach that makes me feel better as of now.  Then I  did some minor errands and grabbed a late lunch out instead of making a sandwhich or something at home.  Just an omellete and coffee, nothing crazy, but sitting in a diner just felt good.  A few hours into the day I actually thought  "Guess what cancer, I know you are here, but I am not stopping, so you are not bothering me today.  Nice try."  I do that more often than thinking about the bad parts of this all.  This whole cancer thing has made me more positive in many ways.  Go figure.  

There are many disciplines for reigning in emotion and fear, changing perspective, or living for today. I kind of worked my way back from modern psych. methods to the ancient philosphies, finding myself drawn to both Stoic and Epicurean views and practices. After all this time, I'm still not much of a practitioner, since my submissions here can vary greatly in tone, based on whether I had a second cup of coffee or a second beer, lol. Truthfully learning to live in the moment, while still doing the necessary things, like planning, is the biggest protection I've had against the emotional pains this path, and facing mortality has brought. Being that I'm NED for years now [5], I'm not facing the same issues as you, but shaping your perspective around the truths of your existence still seems the strongest way to cope and still take joy and pleasure where you can, from life. I hope you find what works for each of you.......................................Dave

I've known a couple of people, about my same age (mid 50's), who passed away unexpectedly during the past year. It just made me realize that nobody REALLY knows how long they will be around, and nobody gets to be around forever. We just happen to have our mortality waved around in our face constantly, so we think about it a lot compared to other people. The benefit is that we probably make a lot more intentional choices about how we're using our time, instead of just continuing to run on the hamster wheel month after month.

One of the weirdest things I've done lately is to go through the process of working with a financial planner, to figure out what to do with disability insurance, pension, etc. It was bizarre, because in order to create a plan, he really needed a life expectancy, and with what may be chronic, metastatic cancer, I felt like saying, "Um, somewhere between age 57 and 80 maybe?"

With the thought of leaving people behind, I defintely feel better now that I'm only a year away from sending my youngest off to college, and can see that she can handle herself. When I was diagnosed three years ago, that was much harder.

SoCal42 said:

Well said!

Wow, this is so true! I have to say, I now enjoy fig season like I've never enjoyed fig season before in my life, which probably sounds kind of trivial. But fig season is very short and only once a year, so it's great to stop and just enjoy. Plus because I don't feel so hot when I'm on chemotherapy, I've learned to adjust my expectations for accomplishing everyday things. Although I'll admit I'd really like to be able to clean my garage...

I can relate! I need to get my hiuse in order!