Husband has cancer; how do I handle my feelings?

for folks that are the partner of us that unfortunately have / had cancer. Everyone is different how they handle things...but one thing I will say is...the one with the cancer should feel blessed and treat the one without it with love and major respect for hanging around!

I am lucky I'm a Type A personallity and since I have been through hell with brain cancer...I want nothing more than to take care of my husbend and go to work everyday til I am no longer on the planet.

I'm sorry you feel the way you do but you need to have him listen to what you are feeling...he's not the only one hurting. I wish you luck!!! Jen

as you are dealing with this chapter in your life. My heart goes out to you. You will find the strength to get through this. My husband was diagnosed with colorectal cancer last August. The distance between us was not what I expected. He wanted to go to treatments by himself which I gave him the space then in January this year he had his rectum removed and had a temporary ileostomy and more chemoterapy. He was not a pleasant person to be around and did not share any of his experiences with me. I stayed off the internet and found this site which gave me a better idea of what he was going through. A few weeks ago he had the ileostomy removed and he was hooked back up. For 11 months I felt like a stranger in my own home and alone. We did not speak much during this time. I only spoke up once and this is what I said; you may be the one diagnosed with cancer and all but this affects both of us and all those months when you shut me out by being quiet or not wanting to talk I was still going throught this with you. After seeing how he reacted/acted to this disease I had to ask myself would I want to go through this alone if this had happened to me. My thought would be heck no. I don't understand why someone who is your best friend for life would completely shut down and not want to share. His response to not sharing was he just did not want to complain.

I'm sure it sucks to be you right now but I honestly know how your feeling. The road to recovery is in front of us and we talk all the time now. Don't let your husband do this to you. I should have spoke up sooner but I was not the one with cancer. Still doesn't make it right for a spouse to think their in this by themself.

Your doing a great job as a caregiver. You are not selfless. It's not always easy. Peace of mind is everything. Sometimes just getting out of the house by yourself, going for a walk, anything to take your mind off of whats going on at home during this lousy time. 

You folks are so very young and have your whole lives in front of you. Don't waste any time being angry. Speak up for yourself, tell him how he is making you fell and tell him how you feel. Best of luck to you.

Kate

marylorraine said:

Thank you for your honesty

Hi everyone.  I am new to this site.  I've been looking for some place to get support and be with people who are experiencing similar situations and I would seeme that I may have found it here.  My husband and I were married in Sept 2018 and a few weeks after we returned from our honeymoon he got the cancer diagnosis.  Life brought me to a place I never expected to be and created losses I never expected to have at this point in my life.  These past 18 months since we started planning our wedding last year have been filled with SO much change and upheaval...I won't even get into right now but in addtion to it all we are dealing with his cancer.  On a very positive note his initial round of chemo and radiation went extremely well, his tumor significantly was shrunk and surgery went very well, they said he was technically cancer free!  He does have a temporary ostomy...that's a whole other post!  He is on the end of his 9 chemo infusion tx and then his last surgery.  I pray the second surgery goes better then the first as there ended up being complications due to the ostomy.  But they were able to get everything fixed and running.  I'm a stong independent woman but I have to tell you this has KICKED my butt along with the multi other significant life issues over the past year.  Right now things have died down and I'm mostly having to deal with the cancer issues.  But all this has left me sad, mad, unhappy, and anxious.  I still find joy in the small things as well as the people and other relationships I have in my life.  Mostly I just want my husband back...it feels like this cancer is life...envasion of the body snatchers.  I've barely had a change to be a "Mrs".  Thanks for listening any feedback or similar experiences welcome.

I cant imagine getting married right away and then months later a spouse is diagnosed with cancer.  That is
a lot to deal with.

I was married for several years.  After our 3rd child was born, my wife went to live in the basement fulltime. She
rarely left the basement.  I had a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 1-day old to take care of and somebody had to
pay the bills.  Two years later my wife's sister came to visit and my wife finally went to a clinic where she eventually
was diagnosed with cancer and then came chemotherapy for 11 months.  She had 2 tumors and both tumors significantly
shrunk with chemo.  But her behavior is still lousy.  My youngest is now 6 years old and my wife's bad behavior has
continued for the past 6 years and she still sleeps on the floor downstairs or in the basement.  I dont think my wife's
behavior will ever change for the better.  Its like she is a really bad roommate and not a spouse at all. 

You sound like your at the beginning stages of post-chemotherapy.  In my opinion, behavior/attitude is everything.
If your spouse has a positive attitude and outlook and starts getting off the couch and doing something positive
with their life, then everything will work itself out and you will find peace.  If you find yourself 6 years later (like me)
looking back at a long history of really bad behavior, then your in for a bumpy ride.  The good news or silver lining
is that whatever patience you have now will be expanded beyond comprehension.  You cant argue with someone who
has cancer because they like to yell and scream and act like a child; instead you have to learn to remain calm and
wait for the storm to pass.

I hope this helps. Text anytime.

Hi. I'm new to this site but am a cancer survivor. In August, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. They found squamous cells in the lymph nodes in his neck. Knowing that it didn't start in the lymph nodes, he underwent surgery to remove them and biopsy his tonsil tags and a spot on the back of his tongue (it started on the tongue). Since then, only three weeks, really, we have met with the radiologist and dentist. I am still trying to find a speech therapist. He starts radiation towards the end of this month. 

I am trying to keep up with everything; cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. while still trying to do my own job (University professor) and am difficulty keeping up with all of it. Eventually, something has to give and it seems to be me. Don't get me wrong, he is helping as much as he can and I am trying to let him but I'm already tired. It hasn't been long since his surgery and he hasn't even started radiation yet and I am already tired. I feel like I am letting him down. I have talked to him about my feelings and he is understanding, reassuring me that I am doing a good job. It hasn't helped. When I am alone, my head races to think of what else I can or have to do. I am currently sitting here looking at the pile of papers I have to grade but my head is distracted with thoughts that I didn't mop the floors today or I should call the radiologist because I have questions and my brain won't move on unless the floor is mopped or my questions answered. 

I know I am rambling and what I have written may not make much sense, but what I want to ask is if anyone else has felt like this and if there are any tips to overcome it other than "go to lunch with a friend" (every time I do that, I end up talking about my husband and his illness).