Too Much Pressure, Not Enough Consideration

Mostly a Rant

My grandma had breast cancer, then lung cancer, and now she's on her second round of chemo for lung cancer again. The first round of chemo was scary, but she didn't want much outside help, just me all the time as the one that lives with her. This second round I said I couldn't do it alone, so I enlisted outside help, in-home care nurse checkups, physical therapy, social workers, therapists, other family, her friends. And it was going well and my life was getting better. Caring for her was easier, I was able to keep my job, and still spend time with my boyfriend and his dog. I'm 25 and have abandoned dreams along the way, but felt I was making progress. 

Then it got ridiculous. I have a very relaxed part time job that knows my situation and lets me take extra days off with little notice to take her to chemo or the ER when she needs her lung drained of fluid. Yesterday I was scolded for taking the day off to take her to chemo, but no one told me extra family would be available. So we all went to her appointment and I was there to listen to the doctor's instrucions, remind my grandma what she was taking, take note of meds and scheduling, basically the things she needs. And all day my mom was telling me I could leave. But as soon as anything went wrong or a question came up, they needed me again, so I said I was staying. A friend needed me to feed her cat, so I started leaving for that after the appointment and was stopped while driving out of the parking garage because my mom couldn't find her keys. I backed up, parked, got out of my car, and asked if anyone else needed help. I broke down in tears. 

The last two weeks my uncle stayed after flying in from out of state. Didn't ask, just did it, said he was going to stay with us and help. We warned him we weren't in the position to be entertaining hosts. And he still expected us to take him out and buy him food while he was here. He was sweet and helpful to my grandma and rude to me, expecting me to serve him, stay out of his way, and telling me what to do when he had the chance. But I was scolded for any complaint because he was helping my grandma. He took her on so many outings expecting her to have energy that she wore herself out and had to go to the ER. I was helping a friend move two hours away the day he had to take her in. While he bragged that he was used to hospitals and great at taking care of her, she admitted that she didn't let him see the whole thing because she could tell he was shocked. He stayed in the waiting room while she had her lung drained. 

Every night I'd come home from work or whatever I was doing and my mom and sister or brothers or anyone else was over until late at night to visit with my uncle, so it was exhausting. He'd even scold me in front of them, but no one seemed to think it was a problem and later I was scolded for being offended and told he was there for me too, not just my grandma, yet he didn't ask me once how I was doing but pointed out that I wasn't doing enough for him. When asked how work went, if I had anything less than a bright, shining answer, he would tell me to be thankful I even had a job. He finally left, we had one night without family over, and now my grandma's sister is over. She's much easier to handle, but still likes to correct things. I don't feel like I've truly slept in a long time, but I was already asked what appointments I can make this next week and scolded for being okay with taking time off if I need to. But I CAN'T depend on my mom, who thinks she has it covered. She doesn't plan well and doesn't tell when or where she'll be.  

My friend's move took extra work because she didn't know how to fix shelves, she said she couldn't have done any of it without me, my boyfriend has health problems and a dog and says he doesn't know what he'd do without me, the cat I was feeding is tempermental, so no one else was brave enough to feed it, my mom offers to drive or do errands, but has to go over the plan and the reasons every time and gets confused or mad if she's wrong, I have to calm my grandma through changes, and my aunt (her sister) just said I would make a great girl scout. But I don't want to be everyone's girl scout. I'm tired of putting out fires. I'm tired of being told to help, told I should go to work, and people getting mad if I'm not helping enough. Like pick one. It's verbal and emotional abuse. I'm extremely depressed and crying often. I don't know how to stand up for myself. I wish I'd told off my uncle when he was here. He's so full of himself that he's now planning on his kids flying out to help without asking her what she wants.

If anyone has strategies on how to approach family that doesn't know how to help, tries and fails, or blames you, please let me know. I need to care for myself too. I'm so tired. My little sister says she can tell I'm always sad now. I don't have money to take a vacation. And I don't know what to do.