What's it like being a breast cancer survivor?

Hi Lauren. Interesting question.  I was diagnosed in June of 2010 at 49 years old with stage III B infiltrating ductal breast cancer. 8cm tumor and two positive lymph nodes. I think that I was more positive than the doctors going in. Had chemo first (4 ACs, 12 Taxols, Herceptin), followed by bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Ended up having a full hysterectomy 18 months after since Tamoxifen was causing concerning symptoms in uterus.  I had a complete response to the chemo so I did not need radiation so I was lucky in that respect. That's a little perspective on what I've been through. I've recovered physically (mostly). Hard for me to know if symptoms I have since were from the treatments or from being thrown into menopause so quickly. I can definitely say though that going through all that changed me; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I may look like my old self again on the outside (well with clothes on), but at times I feel that I'm playing a role of being myself again because I am different in all those ways mentioned. I am stronger in all those ways as well. I am less tolerant of bulls***, and have better boundaries for self care which is good. I can't be more specific other than life is different because I am different. Reality has shifted in a subtle way and I can't go back to my blissful ignorance. It's like going from childhood to adulthood. I know too much about what can happen in life so I've lost some of my youthful innocence. I don't dwell on negativity for the most part, but every once in awhile in a quiet moment I can feel it standing behind me. My own vulnerability and the knowledge that I am no longer as invincible as I thought. I do enjoy my life and am not depressed. It's like breaking a china vase though. You can glue it back together and it wlil still hold water, but if you look closely you can see a slight crack in it forever.

Hey there. I was diagnosed in 2016, went though surgery and treatment and have been cancer free for 2 years. The journey is different for everyone and will be for your mom. For me, it's been rough. I'm still in denial and going through the continual side effects. It's been very difficult on me and my loved ones. My best advice is to make sure you're there for her in any way you can be. She'll need someone to be there to listen, not to give advice like people did with me. You won't understand what she's going through, but can do all your can to make her feel like she's the same person.

All the these comments are great! It’s been 35 years since I had my last round of breast cancer, when I was 34. I was blessed and can only encourage you to keep looking beyond those first 5 years. Just remember to give yourselves permission to have down days but then rise again! 

kcasey44 said:

Life altering

Hi Lauren. Interesting question.  I was diagnosed in June of 2010 at 49 years old with stage III B infiltrating ductal breast cancer. 8cm tumor and two positive lymph nodes. I think that I was more positive than the doctors going in. Had chemo first (4 ACs, 12 Taxols, Herceptin), followed by bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Ended up having a full hysterectomy 18 months after since Tamoxifen was causing concerning symptoms in uterus.  I had a complete response to the chemo so I did not need radiation so I was lucky in that respect. That's a little perspective on what I've been through. I've recovered physically (mostly). Hard for me to know if symptoms I have since were from the treatments or from being thrown into menopause so quickly. I can definitely say though that going through all that changed me; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I may look like my old self again on the outside (well with clothes on), but at times I feel that I'm playing a role of being myself again because I am different in all those ways mentioned. I am stronger in all those ways as well. I am less tolerant of bulls***, and have better boundaries for self care which is good. I can't be more specific other than life is different because I am different. Reality has shifted in a subtle way and I can't go back to my blissful ignorance. It's like going from childhood to adulthood. I know too much about what can happen in life so I've lost some of my youthful innocence. I don't dwell on negativity for the most part, but every once in awhile in a quiet moment I can feel it standing behind me. My own vulnerability and the knowledge that I am no longer as invincible as I thought. I do enjoy my life and am not depressed. It's like breaking a china vase though. You can glue it back together and it wlil still hold water, but if you look closely you can see a slight crack in it forever.

kcasey44, you really put into words how I've been feeling.  I'm six months post treatment and, although I went through diagnosis and treatment with a super positive mental attitude always believing I would get through it, I'm now having so many different feelings.  Yes, I look like my old self (but with short hair because mine all fell out) but I'm not the same woman as I was going in.  In the last few weeks I've had some minor depression and seem to be lacking self compassion for all that I went through (which was a lot).  Having said that, I am stronger and live in absolute certainty there is nothing I cannot get through.  However, you nailed it when you said "I don't dwell on negativity for the most part, but every once in awhile in a quiet moment I can feel it standing behind me. My own vulnerability and the knowledge that I am no longer as invincible as I thought."  Also, I too feel like I'm playing a role of being myself again when I don't think I will ever be that self again.  This is my first post as I just found this site yesterday and I think this is going to help me feel less alone.

dynawrite said:

dealing with anxiety

I am finishing my second year of Arimidex.  My fear is not so much about recurrence, but about side effects from the drug and possible side effects from chemo from two years ago.  Am I being realistic?  Every time I feel a twinge or something new comes up I fall apart.  What do you recommend?

It is both physical and psychological.  You can only do what you feel you need to do.  To say dont worry about it would be rediculous. You know who you are and you know your body.  Take it one day at a time.  Go see your doctors and find out.

Hugs

Annie

lilquinnjr said:

Thanks

kcasey44, you really put into words how I've been feeling.  I'm six months post treatment and, although I went through diagnosis and treatment with a super positive mental attitude always believing I would get through it, I'm now having so many different feelings.  Yes, I look like my old self (but with short hair because mine all fell out) but I'm not the same woman as I was going in.  In the last few weeks I've had some minor depression and seem to be lacking self compassion for all that I went through (which was a lot).  Having said that, I am stronger and live in absolute certainty there is nothing I cannot get through.  However, you nailed it when you said "I don't dwell on negativity for the most part, but every once in awhile in a quiet moment I can feel it standing behind me. My own vulnerability and the knowledge that I am no longer as invincible as I thought."  Also, I too feel like I'm playing a role of being myself again when I don't think I will ever be that self again.  This is my first post as I just found this site yesterday and I think this is going to help me feel less alone.

You will have ups and downs, which means you have to be kind to yourself. There will be many people that won't understand what you've been through and that's why I love these forums. It is a safe place to ask questions, and be your authentic self. One time while going through treatment I ran into a woman I had met at chemo. I asked her, "How are you today?" (standard greeting) and she said "I can tell you that I am NOT fine!". We both laughed and realized that we would always tell people we were fine when they asked how we were, but we were not fine while going through treatment. Sometimes we don't want to scare others with our fears or depression so we tell them we are fine. You can tell all of us here whether you are fine or not fine. You are not alone, so please reach out if you need to. We are here.

Kerri