Have you wanted to end treatment?

I became violently ill during my first round of FOLFORI.  Three times vomiting for 6 hours straight.  During that time I told my wife if this is what this is going to be, then I am done with it.  During the particularly violent session I was ready to call it a life at that point.  It was horrific.  

Otherwise, I have not had the feeling to end treatment yet.  I am tolerating the chemotherapy and have about 7 good days out of 14, the chemo treatment week is not wonderful, mainly tired and generally not feeling well, but I am getting into the rythm of it.  Not where I want to be, but still dealing with it.  I can see at some point, based on what is going on inside, where I would stop treatment.

His thoughts of not being around and similar comments are something we (as cancer patients and caregivers) deal with.  And when I think of things, like not seeing my niece or nephews graduate high school or middle school or other similar things, it is something that is tough to deal with.  I try to shake it off.  

The emotional toll of cancer and its treatment is very often just as harsh as the cancer itself.  I know how I am physically reacting to chemo is almost surpassed by the actual mental efffect (chemo brain and ancillary issues with it, including snapping and lack of proper thinking, which is physical obviously, but coming across in this way).

Perhaps finding some counseling.  Perhaps a time-line to discuss and see how things progress.  My thought (for myself) is that ending treatment and its consequences is permanant.  I am not sure when I will accept the permanance of having (making to the decision) to pursue that choice.  I have actually used those words a few times with family. In not quite as diplomatic a way when they were going through things.  Not harsh or critical.  But basically, "Listen, I get it, I am not in your shoes.  But dead is permananent, let's talk things through and see what is out there and weigh what is going on."  And people stayed around longer. In one case, over a decade and doing well during the intervening years.  It was timing of when they felt bad and adjusting.  As I tell people my reality is watching TV for a week with naps and feeling sh--ty and like a zombie.  If I think about it in theory, that is not my idea of "living."  On the other hand, there are a ton of worse things and I look forward to the good days.

It may be worthwhile (not sure if you have or not, can't remember from posts, so apologies if I missed it) is to look further into things with respect to the issues he has going on.  If the chemo is tolerated, getting the other things under control could help.  Counseling may be available also.  It could be worth it.  

So sorry to see this and I am hoping this is just a brief hiccup for you and your husband that you are soon past.

I think it's normal to have the ups and downs. From I'm going to kick cancer's a$$ to I can't do this any more and I hope I don't wake up in the morning. I have gone through the whole gamut of emotions like this, anyway. I've gone from being angry with my body for letting this happen, particularly after years of IBS and bowel misery, to being grateful for how hard it fights when I'm on the immunotherapy chemo. I've cried all the way home from a doctor's visit because the news was bad and I've done it because the news was good. There's no script for how to behave for those of us with cancer and for you, the caretaker.

My husband has been really good about what he says to me. He's said a few stupid things and made me mad but for the main part he's very good. When I say I'm done, I can't do this anymore he will say that he gets it, he's so proud of what I've gone through so far but he understands how I feel, and that he hopes I'll change my mind because he and my daughter need me and love me so much and don't want to have to live without me. Sometimes he'll say it would be s shame to go through all of that and then give up. And I'm aware that if I stop treatment and let it take me what I'll go through will be far worse than treatment.

There have been a couple of times where I've been almost bedridden for long periods of time, several months. I hate being like that and hate beiing that person. That's when it's easy for me to want to throw in the towel. But I've rallied back every time and when I do I feel like a million bucks. Its so empowering to be able to do things again and feel almost normal. It feels so good and I'm so appreciative that it almost makes the bad stuff worth it. When I'm feeling good I think it's going to be a long time before it finally gets my. When I'm feeling weak, tired, and vulnerable, I don't think it will be long.

I don't know what will work for your husband. I'd suggest not changing the subject as it will seem like you're letting him down. You're his closest ally right now. Supporting his feelings is the best route, I think. You can't possibly know what goes through his mind or how hard it is but you can sympathize. And tell him you support whatever decision he makes but you hope he takes into account you and your children and whoever else matters. A runner races until the end no matter how hard it is. They may think of giving up but they give it their all and do their best. Same with cancer. Don't let that b*****d win. Do everything to keep it at bay. Don't stop running because the race is hard. Stopping will be even harder.

I hope this helps in some way. Of course, I'm feeling good these days so it's easy for me to be positive. But he'll have better days and he'll be grateful he didn't give up eventually.

Best of luck to you both.

Hugs,

Jan

That is what I did when I was on chemo (calender countdown) in 2015 and while things were not great I had an end date for chemo on calendar. Once I made halfway point it really seemed to go faster. 

I had the feelings on this time of chemo, new drug, with no chance to mark calender and see an end to it since I will be on it for as long as it works before moving onto another treatment.  Will be on it for the rest of my life until a cure comes.  So a calender/guidepost is a definite thing to try.