The Meaning of Suffering

Oh Rod, that was one of the

Oh Rod, that was one of the most moving things I've ever read. So raw and real. It must have been very hard for you to go through the emotions you must have to be able to write that. It's so pure.

I don't know what to say. I'm glad that you've chosen to go the surgical route and then chemo. It takes guts to agree to those things. The surgery might not be as bad as you anticipate or it might be worse, I hope the former. Moving in with your mom is a good choice. Surgery causes not only a certain amount of discomfort but it's also tiring. It lasts for a few weeks. Having someone to take care of you is a good idea. And you're not supposed to drive for a while, a month I think, or 6 weeks. 

There's no doubt you've been dealt a pretty crappy hand in life. I'm sad that you've learned to compensate for it but things haven't changed for the better. I'm just sad for you Rod. This is bad enough without the extra issues you have. As I've told you before, you think you're not tough but you are. After every setback you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with it. That's strength, that's courage, and that's toughness. Toughness, grit, strength, whatever you want to call it isn't being a war hero or a Sylvester Stallone character or anything like that. It's getting through the everyday personal crap that life brings us regularly. It's going to work every day, it's making a life despite drawbacks, it's taking the chance on a relationship far away, and it's staying with a young, dying cat until someone comes along to take it away. Many people would have crumbled in your position. Many wouldn't have even tried. You, however, have done the best you could with what you had and that's something to be very proud of. 

I fervently hope that the surgery will not be as bad as expected and the chemo will work and you'll have a life to be thankful for in the end. Sending you hugs, Rod. I am in awe of you.

Jan

When I heard Robin Williams

When I heard Robin Williams ended himself, I was with the wife at a specialist who had surgically transfered a patch of skin to the left side of her head, so she could endure more radiation treatments to slow the regrowth of tumor in her head. I told the surgeon "too bad Mr. Williams didn't get some kind of cancer, he'd be too busy fighting to stay alive to want to end it". A toss-off remark for sure, but I was 2 months away from my third major surgery, Cindy was losing her fight, and a wealthy, successful, superstar comedian offing himself over aging issues, seemed indulgent at the time. In truth, I have no idea what he was dealing with, and the same is true for everyone else out there. My tinnitus is ringing away, happens with the morning coffee, any pill-taking, or just randomly throughout the day. I think of all the rock concerts and cranked up stereos, and figure I did it to my self, but it rarely is more than an annoyance I live with as a cost of aging. Perception is everything in this life, it shapes whatever meaning one chooses to carry with them, and controls what things in life one chooses to remember and measure their lives by. Most living creatures simply are, until they aren't, we humans, and some other higher level species get the double-edged joy of awareness of our existence, along with the knowledge that decay and death follow, without exception. Most of us consciously choose to keep our focus on the "good stuff", however relative that concept might be. Your focus is fixed on the hardest, most painful things in life, stuff others would work very hard to forget, you have an instant recall of, no doubt the curse of an intelligent mind. Sometimes ignorance can be bliss, relatively speaking. When I talk about being like a dog, it sounds silly, but dogs really don't regret or replay the past, and don't fear or torment themselves with the future, they live in the moment. They also don't search for the meaning of life and suffering. People do, but usually as a way to help carry the load. You have professional people that you talk to, so trying to give a "pep" talk about your perception amid your situation and issues, isn't useful. I'm sorry life's dealt you this hand, I wish there was a simple way for you to drop all the painful memories, and find a way to celebrate the little things more. Even the big "winners" in life eventually wreck themselves if they don't learn to value the small stuff. In the end it's all humans really have. I don't know if it's just me, or whether it's a peculiar view to hold, but I find comfort in the idea that humanity's existance is but a blip in geological time, in a vastness we can't even wrap our minds around. Like Carl Sagan's "Pale, Blue Dot" solliloquy, I like seeing my problems for the tiny, insignificant things they are. That may not work for another, but that's one way I look at it all. Hope you catch some breaks on your path................................................................Dave

I've had several surgeries. I

I've had several surgeries. I had my gallbladder out, which was unpleasant but not bad. I had a hysterectomy, which was really easy and I went home the next day even after being awake all night talking to my roommate. A young man with severe depression much like you, Rod. I had the initial tumour removal surgery for the colon cancer and while the first night was horrid it got easier quite quickly. They said I could go home when I was able to walk the ward five tmes do that was my goal. This last one where they took out more bowel and repaired the fistulas didn't seem very bad at all. People who came to visit were surprised at how good I was. Thena couple of days after I had a really bad day. They say it happens sometimes. And the day after that I was better again.

I'm surprised that the incision itself doesn't hurt very much at all. Both of mine have been quite long. But the muscles are disrupted and when you go to move to get up or to changes positions in bed or whatever they tend to grab and hurt. But it's not something you can't stand. And typically you start getting better as soon as you wake up from surgery. Every day is easier.

Every time I've had sugery the nurses have been great for the most part. They try to sneak me things I'll eat because the hospital food is crap. They'll let me sleep in in the morning even though my breakfast is there. They try to do whatever it takes to make you more comfortable. They'll give you a sponge bath. They have very cool shower caps that have sone sort of solution in them that somehow washes your hair without a sink. They'll give you a blood thinner shot every day to ward off blood clots after the surgery. You'll have the choice of either having it in the arm or the tummy. The tummy is better. Make sure they do it quick. If they do it slow it can be bothersome after. You'll be on an IV and for the first day or two they'll have it set up so that you can dispense your own painkillers, morphine or whatever works best for you. It won'tlet you do it too often but you can press the button for more anytime. If they see you've been using it a lot they'll figure out a way to deal better with your pain.

They'll teach you how to sit up in bed so you're not hurting yourself. Lying on your side and pushingup with the hand closest to the bed. They'll walk you to the bathroom if you'd like. But for the first couple of days you'll probably have a catheter so you won't have to worry about using the bathroom. They'll put it in when you're under so it won't be unpleasant. And taking it out is nothing at all. Hardly noticable. 

Every morning when you wake up you'll realize that you're a little better than the day before. If your IVs stay in place you're golden. Or if you're an easy start.

Jan

The woulda, shoulda, coulda,
The woulda, shoulda, coulda, is going to wear you out. You need to accept what is for now, and move forward. To do that means doing all the crappy stuff doctors say is ahead of you; if you want to remain on this earth. It is NOT easy, it is and was the hardest thing I have ever done. Your ego, your psyche plays with you all while trying to keep your world as close to normal as possible when sometimes the only thing normal is your own bed. Just saying you will overcome this you can by doing it it a minute at a time sometimes you will look at the clock and surprise yourself damn you let an hour go when you could have said the things you need to or watched your favorite show. Or hugged the ones you love. Anyway, whatever you do, it is right. You are normal to be struggling with all this this crap you have been dealt isnt normal but to those of us who dealt with it is normal. Hang in take in even the most minor item as a win. You ate today score. You peed today score. All these things you fret about are normal, just find away to deal with what is important right now. The other will fade you will see.ease your mind with giving up on things that make you fret in circles. I am a stage IIIC cancer survivor 20 years. They said I would see my kids go to school, college, have careers, families, etc... I now have 5 grandchildrennow, I am 52. My life currently is so screwed up its embarrassing. I am working thru it. I am on the right side of the dirt!! Make it a great day!hugs to you.!