What Cancer Takes Away

All of my life pre-cancer, I had been a planner - not just tomorrow but months in advance and for the most part that was how life was. Then my life fell apart - my caboose had just graduated college and at last I could stop working two jobs and take a breath. I had bought $25 savings bond each paycheck as that was all I could spare. Now I had enough saved to take my first vacation in 8 years. I went west and spent time with the Hopi in Az. and came home renewed and excited about the future. Then in Oct. was watching TV and the ad asked - when was the last time you checked your breasts? Well, I said, better do that. I felt my left one and the golf ball knot ! I knew what it was. Saw doc next day and 3 weeks later, was minus left breast and chemo and radiation followed. But, I surprised the medical prognosis of less than 5 years and fully lived 25 cancer free. My daughter said some years later: Cancer was the best thing to happen to my mom as it taught her to live one day at a time and to truly smell the flowers. At first I was not sure I agreed, but now I know it made me less of a control person and more roll with the flow. A great book to read is When Things Fall Apart. We all have those moments and how we react is the key. I do love all you girls!

And to realize that even if everything was 100% sunshiny perfect tomorrow, you can never be the same again. 

For example, I can never trust my body again. I've had tests when I felt like warmed-over sheep dung and they turned out great. I've had tests when I was starting to feel fantastic, and they didn't turn out the way I hoped. Now when people ask how I am, I'm not sure how to answer them, other than my usual "Hangin' in there." AM I fine? What is fine?

I wasn't feeling that bad the moment I walked into my gyno-onco's office in October 2018 and found out my CA-125 was 770, which dropped to 510 in a six-week period without a drop of treatment. I wasn't feeling bad when I got the results of the CT scan. I also need to accept that radiologists are going to be picking those scans apart now that my cancer appeared to have progressed last year. That is just how it's going to be for a long time.

I can never look the same way at friends who fled. Maybe they had trouble dealing with my situation, but so did I. I'm starting to forgive them, but it's not easy. However, see next paragraph. Maybe that's one reason why I can start to forgive them.

On the other hand, it is my feeling that the med-onco and gyno-onco I switched to after I fired my doctor are angels. I feel that just about EVERY onco nurse out there has a halo. And I admit ... I had trouble dealing with cancer patients in the past too, not knowing what to say. I do now. 

Please, folks .... don't delete those links. Sometimes, they make good points for communcation. And again ... it is NO reflection on you that you can't be cheerful and strong 100% of the time. Anyone who expects that is not helping you at all.

None of us have exactly the same experience with cancer. None of us react to it the same. It's so true that it's a blow to our ability to trust. It's so true that it's an emotional roller coaster and that our normal has changed forever. While this article was really, really dark, that was the author's experience of what was happening to her and it struck a nerve with some and repelled others. That's ok and I guess it's something that doesn't get brought out into the open too much and sharing it was a good thing. I still hate when anyone feels like they're in such a place, though. I just want to wrap my arms around them and take away some of that pain, if only I could.