The most difficult decision I will ever make

Rod brought up a point that I'm curious about. Folfox is rough but how many people experienced nausea with it? I didn't. Fatigue, yes, and the cold sensitivity. The neuropathy came later. But I don't think nausea is a side effect typically, is it? I'm curious as to if that's typical or not?

Jan

The Folfox caused other problems, the electric shock sensations and blurred vision day of treatment, had some nauseau but seemed much less than withe the Folfiri.  I didn't have as much neuropathy as people describe either.  I was only on Folfox for 8 treatments and the neuropathy lasted a bit longer with each treatment but was mostly gone by next treatment with a bit of residual numbness for a couple of months.  

There's a definitely a difference in side effects depending on which chemo you're on.  

Looks like some people don't tolerate the chemos pretty well and others suffer.  Hard to know how it will affect you before you take it.

manapart said:

It's all of it...

But with mental illness its x10 and in some cases irrational and obsessive compulsive anxiety. Of course when something as traumatic and someone telling you you have cancer all of a sudden when you thought it was just inflammation, a hernia or a ulcer... time just stops. You have stage 4 cancer. Basically subtract 25 years from your life. Your usual life is upended and over perhaps and a ton of emotional, mental, physical, financial, time and family resources are now being redirected to this disease. That is what hit me intially even before I thought about chemo. And then i researched chemo and at times thought to myself im not sure what is worse, the cancer or the chemo. 

 

Now as a 40 year old agnostic who has lived a simple life where there is a lot of grey, not claiming to be a bad person but certainly not a saint. Now I have to cope and obsess with my own mortality, ponder things like afterlife and NDE. Will everything just fade to black or with my consciousness end up somewhere even worse. Reflect, and watch youtube debates between scientists, athiests, rabbi's and christians. Before each appointment or scan picking up my dads old cross necklace thinking does this in any way matter wearing this. Trying to feel something. Force myself to believe. Does praying matter? What do I believe in? And again add in the fact I have depression, OCD and anxiety disorders and well, it hasnt been a picnic and I dont gain much clarity or either side of the spectrum. 

 

Yeah you can survive chemo. But it just goes back to my previous point. To what end. Its not a cure, its a roll of the dice. There are long term permenent side effects as long as the debilitating short term ones. People still dont have the taste back in their mouth. 3 months after treatment still tired, and cant feel their finger tips. I can only speak for myself because im mentally ill and physically weak and compromised. So having my body assaulted in high doses with this as some would say, "venom" is something of course I have great concern about. I have gastropareis/paralyzed stomach. Will it make that wose? I already have neuropathy and it can drive me nuts at times. Will treatment cause more nerve damage, will it make my tinnitus, neuropathy, kidneys worse? Ive read about mouth sores and chemo brain. Lord knows my brain is bad enough already. It pretty much supersedes and is correlated with my fear of dying sooner. Because if I cannot mentally and phyiscally endure it, then yes I will die sooner than. There is nothing more I would like to do than to say oh i have a lil nausea, moderate fatigue, no appetite but im managing. Instead of being sick as a dog, vomiting anything I try to eat or drink, and so tired I cant drive, work, or in some cases not being able to even get out of bed. Thats when the thoughts of quality of life over quantity starts. It is what it is and me complaining about it isnt going to change anything. Ive commited to major surgery and chemotherapy treatments and ill do the best i can but if I cant make it through it believe me it wont be because I cant tolerate a moderate bit of nausea, fatigue, hair loss or being very sick a day or two, it will be because my immune system would collapse and the side effects would be so untenable to endure that I would rather die sooner. 

Your the only person I have heard describe treatments as being sick only a day or two. Most everyone I talk to says its pretty much 2 weeks of being sick and weak, two weeks to recover from being sick and weak, then rinse and repeat. And it gets progressively worse because of the immune system. So I dunno, but im going to find out soon enough. Just wish me luck and strength. 

please try not to be scared. whatever happens you will meet some of the most kindest and bravest people that you have have ever met. Some doctors are looking into a link between depression and cancer & who knows, as you get better your depression/mental health issues may as well too.

if there is a link does the cancer cause depression or does the depression cause cancer?

there were a few post re this before this site crashed and it seems alot on here did have bad depression as i did myself. 3 years on no cancer no depression but i am only starting to feel as i am healing now but thats okay, it is what it is. 

Can i please make a suggestion? you say you obsess. make yourself obsess on a cure and follow it through, only focusing on that. research what is helpful & disregard the rest. You know you have to do the chemo etc but make it work more powerfully for your good by anything that is positive towards cure be that prayer, crystals, tumeric, medical MJ, not eating red meat, not smoking, meditation whatever. if your doctors okay it do it and only worry about the other stuff if it happens. if you are not dead at this very moment in time don't waste time you could be using to learn about helping to heal yourself 

i hope this is helpful for you. so easy to go down a black rabbit hole when you hear the word cancer. i was so scared but it was ok but had the attitude whatever i had done to contribute to me gettinng cancer by my unhealthy habits i had to stop. fix what you can & trust your doctors. you have to be brave. You have to be tough.

BTW for me i went into hospital for chemo because i was attached to a drip and had chemo 24/7 for a week twice. two serperate occasions of a whole week of my body being flooded with chemo for 24/7. the only break was when they changed the drip. and guess what. no sickness, no nausea, no baldness. nothing. was out shopping the day after i left hospital.

Take care