Facing Y90 treatments, Emotional difficulties are challenging

I experienced that about a year ago and it lasted for a couple of months. At the time I was recovering from sepsis so physically I didn't have anything positive going for me, either. I could take any subject and turn it into something dark and upsetting and then was unable to steer my mind away from it. I ended up going on anti-depressants and using some techniques my doctor told me about. I still will occasionally start thinking ugly things and I have to almost physically give me head a shake to stop it and then make myself focus on something positive.

I tried going off the anti-depressants a while back and immediately started having nightmares. So I guess I'll stick with them. The dark thoughts I had were anything from my own death to animal abuse. Not that I'd ever abuse an animal but due to facebook I've seen a lot of horrible things and, for some reason, that was often my got to place for dark thoughts. I'd literally have to force myself to stop and think about something more positive. It's hard but you can control your thoughts. 

When I was in the hospital for the last surgery, just over a month ago, I used mindfulness when I was scared or going through a painful procedure. I'd try to dissasociate from the situation and imagine I was riding my horse in the mountains. I once read about a woman who had been captured and tortured by the Nazis. She said the mistake they made was to torture her while she faced a window where she could see a beautiful meadow and trees outside. She'd mentally remove herself from the situation and was then able to withstand the torture. That's some pretty tough mindfullness but it made me more determined to be able to do something similar.

I don't know if anything I've said helps in any way, all I know is that we've all been there. Focusing on our eventual death, wondering how long we have, all that negative stuff. It's hard but you will get through it. And know that there are people who really do understand.

Take care,

Jan

Hey Karen,

You are not unusual in any way.  I can't imagine anyone being diagnosed with this terrible disease and not feeling down at least once in a while.  At the beginning of my journey in early 2017, I was in a very bad place - I just knew I wouldn't live to see my 3 young kids grow up.  I organized all our financial matters, took care of some legal things I had been putting off, and basically was getting ready to ride off into the sunset.  In some strange way, I actually think doing all that stuff cleared my mind of a bunch of trivial things and allowed me to grieve for myself.  It's okay to mourn - as long as you don't give up the will to fight.

I don't know if you're a spiritual person, but having our church family rally around us through the tough times was a HUGE help.  It gave my family peace that we would not have had otherwise.  In fact, when we headed to NYC last July for my liver resection/HAI pump implant surgery (which is a 3 1/2 - 4 hr dirve), my pastor and his wife were in their car right behind us all the way.  They stayed in the city at the same hotel as my wife and kids for 2 days to make sure they were okay.  The last people I saw before being wheeled off to the OR were my wife, my pastor and his wife...and they were the first people I saw when I awoke from surgery.  I still get choked up when I think about it.

mountainhiker

I am getting ready for a radiation treatment shortly (couple of hours) so apologies for brevity/bit of shorthand writing on this.  Pretty sure every patient has had at least some thoughts like yours (is this the dress, should I make arrangements, etc.) from time-to-time even without also anxiety issues going into this. And I am pretty sure that many who did not have those issues before cancer, sure as heck have them now.  Just a question of how severe or if they are just missing the fact they have it. 

Try this link and scroll through

https://csn.cancer.org/resources

Doing a quick a scan on the names of organizations, etc on the first page of resources https://csn.cancer.org/resources was https://csn.cancer.org/node/295577  Which looks to be one thing to look at and I am guessing there are going to be others, looks like a list of 600 plus.  

Also this link https://www.cancer.org/treatment/support-programs-and-services.html

A google search on some terms:  https://www.google.com/search?q=emotional+support+groups+cancer+patients&oq=emotional+support+groups+cancer+patients&aqs=chrome..69i57.9360j0j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

I would start with the first two links myself which is on this site because some results on google are broader.  Definately get started and making some calls.  Don't get disheaterned if you contact some that do not meet your needs for whatever, move on to the next until you get someone to help. 

Being hit with a cancer diagnosis, going through treatments, the surgeries, the roller coaster ride, I won't believe anyone who says they didn't feel low and down at one point.  What you feel is very understandable and a lot of us can relate to it.  I know I have a wonderful support system but its different when you're talking to actual patients themselves.  They will feel what you're feeling.  I hope you get a way to steer from negative thoughts.  Its not easy, I have been and is going through it right now.  What I do is just think that after all this, I will reap the reward.  I'm thinking that I do this so I can be there for my kids.  

Just face this upcoming surgery, trust on your doctors and if you think researching (which tells you the negatives) does you more negative than good, stay away from it. Get it over and done with.  You're stronger than you think!