Everything on this board is true

I haven't been on for a while. My  husband lost his battle on 10/31/17 (yep - Halloween. He always had a weird sense of humor) after I dedicated four years to caring for him. I retired from a job I loved shortly after he got his diagnosis in October 2014. He had a rare sarcoma and we both knew that it would be a battle - logistically and physically. He was my everything, so I made him my new full time job.

Throughout those four years I experienced everything everyone on this board has been talking about. He could be mean, withdrawn, angry, and acted like I was being a big pain in his butt. But that was the cancer - and his fear - talking. When we found out that all of the many treatments and surgeries had failed and the cancer had turned aggressive, we suddenly became closer than ever. We had a little over a month when he was still well enough to see relatives, friends, and loved ones. I turned our house into party central and a hotel for out of state relatives. He was tired but happy. Hospice made sure he was in very little pain and the presence of our adult kids and all the people who loved him made him happy. The last 4-5 days were very rough. He was agitated, angry, kept trying to get out of bed (he was 6'2", I am barely 5'1") and it was very hard picking him up when he inevitably fell. It was awful but I am glad I was able to lay next to him as he drew his last breaths, telling him how much I loved him and what a wonderful life we had. Suddenly all the awful stuff dissolved. All I have left are the good memories.

Hang in there. Assume that your loved one is terrified and that is why he or she is acting weird. When they're gone you'll find you'd give anything to have that grumpy person back in your life. Now that I have had a little time to reflect, I am grateful for the life we lived together and that I was able to give him the end that he wanted. Hospice is a great help - use them! 

Yes, I am angry that he left me. I am grieving for the loss of my love. I am going through all the emotions of bereavement. But I know that I did my best. Sometimes thats all you can do.

This forum helped me a lot through the four years that my husband was sick. When you're upset just writing down the feelings you are feeling is cathartic. Know that you are not alone.