Becoming Real

Since I was diagnosed with HCC in Decemebr 2014 I've felt like I have been just playing with having cancer, even though I had five tumors and initially given a year to live.  Since then, i have had three TACE prcedures and one RFA performed, which have been very successful in shrinking or stopping growth.  Prior to each treatment my AFP would increase significantly and then fall into the normal range, only to start climbing again shortly after the treatment.  Currently, the AFP is rising and scans are not showing any new growths of tumors.  My oncologist thinks the cancer is circulating around in my liver, waiting to form a new tumor or going into another area of my body.

I have now been scheduled for the start of chemotherapy in mid-June, using Opdivo as the chemo drug(providing the insurance company will approve it).  It now becomes real to me.  Up to this point I've felt relatively good, look healthy and except for fatigue and a little mental sluggishness(from nexavar) been able to do what I want.  In fact, I've felt almost guilty in saying I have cancer when I compare myself to others with cancer.  I think I have been fooling myself somewhat, not taking it seriously.  Kind of like when you are in your twenties and can't imagine being in your sixties.  Now though, I'm having the realization that it is serious and I'll be part of the crowd feeling lousy and looking poorly.  I guess its the price of admission to the cancer club.  I've been able to maintain a positive outlook since diagnosed, yes I know i really haven't been challenged.  I certainly want to keep that outlook and feel like I am kicking cancers ****, that I'm tougher and stronger then the disease.  Only time will tell I guess.  Truthfully I am a little apprehensive.  Good luck to all of you with this desease.