Just Being Honest

I hate how my whole life now is seen through the "cancer filter."  It seems like I can't go through any situation or make any decision without thinking, 'okay, if I do this what will happen if my cancer comes back."  It's like an evil black cloud that is aways lurking right over my shoulder.  I try to remain as positive as possible and not think about it but it's always there.  Maybe it's still too soon to judge the emotions.  I haven't even had my first scan yet.  I'm hoping it will ease as time goes on but who knows.  I'm not sure what everyone else is doing but I'm taking more control of my body.  Doctors (including mine) wll tell you there's nothing you can do to change any outcomes and just live your life but I don't really believe that.  If it happens to come back, at least I will know that I've done everything I know to fight this thing.

While these feelings do get talked about some, it's the mental aspect that hits me the hardest, at least now.  I'm told don't worry, stay positive, etc. etc.  And I really do try.  Keep coming back to "I have cancer" and "I've lost an organ".  It makes me feel less than for some reason that I can't explain.  I have to say I'm better post surgery, but I have a cloud that I don't think will go away.  I know others have it worse and of course I feel guilty for feeling the way I do about my illness compared to others.  I'm banking on it continuing to get better but I'm not the positive person I want to be yet, but I do work at it.  Prayers for all here.  

The emotional aspect of this is far worse than the surgery and recovery ever was for me.  Yes it the surgery was rough but the constant worrying about every little pain is hard.  So true Apny!  That's why i read this site every day.   Helps me to know that there are other people who get me and feel the same way. I have had flank and side pain on the same side for 3 weeks.  I had ct scan Friday now have to wait for results.   Needless to say I am scared now  also had blood trace and wbc in urine test.  Randy- totally understand the cancer filter  I am the same way. 

This definitely stinks but this site has been a god send for me

I agree totally..It has changed my way of thinking. It is always in the back of my mind. I feel as if I have more better days than bad so I'm thankful for that but the mental struggle is real. I have no magic words for anyone but that we are entitled to feel however we need to in the hope that we can get a grip on the mental side of this disease. Don't compare your real life to someone else's "facebook life" be ture and honest with yourself,  your loved ones, doctors and people on this forum. Try daily to do something or be with someone that brings you joy...Cut loose, forget responsibility's (for a few hours) smile, laugh, help someone else, take a ride, eat a great meal, meditate- One of my favorites things now is to walk and talk with the Lord , it helps to clear my mind and get the  sometimes ugly thought out of my head..

Just don't let it be all you think about all the time that's my goal and to me that's winning or taking control of the situation!

I pray for you all regularly and wish all the best to you.I too am available for conversation if anyone needs a little redneck logic!

Had mine LPN surgical on July 2017. Mananged to puzzeled back my life after 3 months from the surgical but started mental struggling recently... what to eat and what not to eat? Everyday have to go through these same questions over and over and everytime its remind me, I have "C" ....... Always feel I'm different and been cursed. Is VERY tough.... TOO many worries.....

Finally, one fine day, while jogging..... something pop up into my mind (I think i read somewhere b4)..... "Focus on those things I have control on rather than things I have no control" From that day, I focus only on how to keep myself alive and prevent "C" from coming back...... as keep worrying and regrets totally have no point and waste of energy.....

Yes! We can't change the past outome but we are still alive now, so we have the opportunities to change the coming outcome....... its in our hands now.... all we need to do is to embrace a New set of mindset and keep worries free.....    

Well, my 1st scan is just around the corner......

We are all going to die from one thing or another, some sooner some later. I learned a long time ago that worrying about it doesnt help anything and will probably take time off your life. Even after all Ive been through and Ive been through some really major surgeries, here this morning Im getting ready to go to work and do the same thing I did before I even knew I had kidney cancer back in 2011. I feel no different, I look a little older, but I have a plan.  I have to come to this board to remind myself I even have/had cancer, its only something I think of come scan time. I live life to the fullest I smoke, drink and party like everyday is my last, but what gives me the ultimate peace of mind is knowing that when and if the time comes, where a sickness will overtake me and cause suffering, I have the power to end it all instantly and that has given me peace in life.

Lets be honest here, most of us are not scared of dying we are scared of the process of dying, thats the fear you need to overcome.

"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man" cant remember who said that but its worked for me.

Good luck to all

I've tried to shift the topic from the disease to the impact upon our daily lives. But most posters are new and do not see past the acute stages of dx and surgery.  I've caught flak for jokes and other posts being told it was inappropriate or insensitive. But the world for us longer term survivors, comes with a broader view of life.  Whether it is ourselves, family or friends, living with cancer is a reality we deal with long after the scabs fall off.

Don't care if radical nephrectomy leaves a scar. Don't care to try correcting diet that isn't responsible for our cancer. What I care about now is my family. I went from a high profile medical career with $ to match to draining our finances . I may have survived so far but I'm putting my family in poverty. So, am I really a winner? This joke is on my wife who has also had to give up her medical career and all we accomplished together. Totally unfair. It's a tough topic to impose on stage 1 or 2 people worried about being NED.

Through it all I'm still a care giver. After 40 years in medicine I've seen, learned, and done a lot. I understand policy and protocol, and practice issues. Seldom do issues arise that are truely unique. Members in their 1st or 2nd year post nephectomy could be more involved in sharing and supporting each other but often only come around when they have scanxiety. I'll bet only 1 in 10 stay around to repay to others what they recieved in help.  Believers in God may not find an  issue, but believers in Karma do. You can share Karma and it grows. You can also deplete it by only taking. That hurts all of us. You now know 100% of my religious beliefs and committment.

I try to promote the power of positive thinking. Spin doctoring almost anything. Even in a losing battle, loved ones want good memories of their mom, dad, or sibling after death.

I also describe living with cancer like having a song stuck in your head. The thought never goes away. So choose a happy catchey tune and put it into your head. I like xmas songs. Especially when I get people around me whistling "I'm Dreaming of a White Xmas," in july!

Annissa, you've been a wonderful influence to everyone. I hope you continue to lead by example. Every day that I sign on and see your picture, my day has improved. That's Karma at it's best.

Cancer sucks. However, it has made me live life with more urgency. I do more now. I say yes instead of saying no. I've called in alot of favors. I've seen bears, I've hiked mountains, taken more weekend vacations, been to a NASCAR race. Yes, I have the PTSD type moments. But, living like you know now that you're going to die, makes me feel like there is no time to waste. I'm living now like I always should have been.

it Is very very tough

I have just had a terrible terrible week

Got through the surgery and a few minor complications and  I thought I was really starting to pick up

However have had two weeks of not feeling good with much pain and terrible headaches 

of course I am in major panic mode thinking brain mets but Surgeon says no.. Chromophobe doesnt go to brain first he said unless mass much bigger

I have struggled badly as  i don’t want to upset anyone so have to deal with it on my own( lOST my husband to cancer)

I dream that I am dead

or dream that everything they said was wrong and it will  already  be growing  back

 And yes I am very much afraid of dying

I hope it gets easier

I dont know if men are more capable of pigeon holeing   Their fears but they seem to panic less

in fact they are probably  doing it the right way

How is work going

Annie