Wife passed away

I'm so sorry. I hope you aren't alone and that you have someone to talk to. I've been where you are and at times still there where you are. It's a hard road but seek guidance and counseling. It helps to be with others who feel your pain. It helped me and it helped many others. Don't be alone.

I think i understand what you are going through. i lost my fiancee last week today. We've been toghether for 9 years and have had amazing adventures. We were so enmeshed, did everything together. She has been battling breast cancer due to the BRCA gene for 2 years. After double mastectomy and rounds or chemo and radioation, they founf it had metestasized in the brain, and then the lower spine in various spots they could not operate, only radiate. They initially gave her 2-3 months. She fought it off for 9 months before going. I found her home in the middle of a seizure, and being the first didn't know what to do and called an ambulance. After several more seizures in the hospital and then moving to a different hospital, she fought for another month. She got worse, barely eating and dringking, then not. Couldn't walk, could'd do anything herself, which was her biggest fear. She did not fear death as much as she did not being able to care for herself, as she was very health consious and in top athletic form. That last week, seeing her on a continuous Delaudid drip and unable to respond to me was heartbreaking. I spent every moment i could with her, sleeping next to her on the couch, taking off work and only going home to shower and take care of our dog. The night she died, I was only home for a couple hours and had a weird feeling and rushed back to the hospital. When i got there she was pale and still breathing. I'm glad i got those last 5 minutes holding her hand and being with her as she passed. That image is stuck in my head, i can still smell her. Most of these 2+ years i've been dealing with this on my own, as her family did not know about the brain mets due to her request not to say anything. i finally had to. i"ve been a mess since then and even worse since her memorial service this past monday. I thought it would bring some closure but it just made it worse. i break down random times throughout the day but can't cry, it's just a chocking feeling. She was 36. Life is cruel, as the next day after her passing, I had to put down my 15yr old dog due to heart issues. It feels like everything is collapsing, That was my family.  Sorry for the lenght of this, just really needed to get this out.