Recently Cancer Free but still emotional

Yankee.

While you didn't give us the size of the little bugger, having a partial suggests that it was small. I went throgh being nephed 15 yeqrs ago. Small tumors under 4cm are unlikely to spread.

Icemantoo

Yankee2012 said:

Size was small....

3.7x2.5x2.6cm....

I have researched till I can't see straight and I haven't anything that has said that info. Thanks for that as it does give a little sigh of relief. I would love to read that article!!!!

Hi. I too am in my 30s and just had my kidney removed 6 wks ago. It is all like a whirlwind so don't worry. I think the anxiety and awful feelings are normal. It will take time to digest everything from the news to the surgery and on through healing. It sucks that you had this, but you did have a better diagnosis! Small tumor. Partial nephrectomy. Stage 1. This means they caught it early and you have less chance of recurrence. Nobody will say it is 100%, but 80% it'll never come back is great!!! I think we all like to rush this process (that I am newly in too) but that isn't gonna work. Glad you are reaching out. You will get some great advice!

Hi Yankee, it's nice to meet you.

My situation is similar to yours. Stage 1 grade 2, kidney removed in February.

I find that I am not worried about recurrance. This may change in future but right now I am assuming it will not happen. I am not exactly sure why I feel this way. It is partly because I am more health focused now and I believe I am reducing my risk.

So now I am in the same place I was in before diagnosis. I always knew there was some chance of cancer in my future but I assumed it would never happen. I basically ignored it. I do wish I had become more health focused at an earlier age.

These days they say that about 50% of people will have cancer at some time. That is a much higher probability than a stage 1 recurrance. Now that we are cancer survivors do we still have that 50% risk or have we had our turn already? Life doesn't seem to work that way.

So here's the question. If you could communicate with your younger self, knowing what will happen in her future, would you advise her to be more anxious?

Steve.

Hi Yankee.

I know exactly what you're going through.  I'm 18 months out from a partial for a lesion that was even smaller than yours.  Until I had my first follow-up scan, I would find myself frequently wondering if they got the cancer out completely, if it ihad spread, what the odds were of it returning.....every question that you have going through your mind.  And that's all despite the surgeon, a nurse practitioner, my own primary care doctor and my sister (who is a nurse practitioner) telling me that every test result and every statistic under the sun was pointing to a 99.9% rate for a completely cancer-free existence.  The day of the first scan, I was a wreck.  I had to take a Xanax to calm myself down.  As expected, the scan showed absolutely no evidence of disease and at the follow-up appointment with the surgeon, he was amazed at the speed with which the incisions from the robotic were healing.  That gave me a lot more confdence that, in fact, what everyone was telling me was accurate.

Now, does that mean I never have a sneaking thought pop into my mind?  God, no.  When my second scan time came around, I was a little better, but I was still nervous.....not nervous enough to need a Xanax, but still nervous.  Again, the results were fine and the surgeon this time couldn't even find the incision scars, so he complemented himself on a job well done.  LOL.  I had to tell him I had a little to do with that, so we had a good laugh and he switched me from six month scans to annual scans.

This is all a long involved story but the point is that the feelings you are having are very natural.  They'll diminish over time as you rack up scan after scan that shows no evidence of disease (our dear Uncle NED).  But there will always be times when the thought pops into your head out of nowhere.  All of us here are part of a group that had to stare down something that, if not treated, would have killed us.  We all have reason to be happy that we're here to support each other, but we also all have little doubts and fears that creep into our minds.

Sorry you find yourself here.  The emotional rollercoaster, perfectly normal.  Speaking for myself, it does get better with time, but honestly I still have my moments and it's been 5+ years.  It became part of my history.  Try to tell myself it's character building and I try to convince myself to keep it in perspective, yes, I had cancer, but I don't now!  I try my best to live in the moment and not let the diagnosis define me.

Best wishes,

Donna~

It's ok to wallow in self-pity every now and then. As for smoking, you'll quit for good when you're ready. You cannot do it before no matter what you tell yourself. So give yourself a break, ignore the preachy comments, and focus on getting well. One way to really cut back is not to say you're quitting but that you're not having one "now". You'll have one later. That can really stretch the time. Telling yourself you've quit and never again will just add more stress and make it harder. Just quit that one cigarette until later

Yankee2012 said:

Thank you

Such words of encouragement!!! Thank you all.... 

I do talk to my husband and closest friends a lot. It seems to help to talk about it. I actually have Xanax 0.5mg... I only use them when I feel like I'm spinning out of control. Most of these times are when I'm alone, feeling trapped because the weather is nasty and I'm not allowed to work yet. I plan on starting to slowly work out again. Just the thought of being on the treadmill for 30 min helps ease my mind so I know it will help. I agree that the words I HAD cancer helps too. This has opened my eyes to living a different way...a better way. Making better choices as to food, as to all around mental and physical health. My life before cancer was great so I can only make it better now that it's AFTER cancer. My biggest issue at hand is thinking of recurrence. I know the percentages are low but it' the thought of it showing up somewhere other than my kidney. I am a smoker and am working hard to quit. It's not the easiest thing to do as it decreases my stress (I know that sounds strange) but trying to quit and dealing with all of this is a struggle. I have decreased the amount drastically so far so I know it will be accomplished in the I hope so near future. The lectures from others are hard to handle. Hearing people preach because I smoke a cigarette...."Don't you think you've been thru enough.....I can't believe you are still smoking....you must be stupid"..... some have no idea what I am dealing with so their words do nothing but infuriate me. By no means do I ever want to come off as wallowing in self pity....I don't want to be that person. I know it's a one step at a time process and with the help of this group and my strong will too succeed, I will overcome.

I also recommend a low carb diet. After a week or two I felt a lot better about everything. 

Maybe start with some Youtube videos of William Davis. He says eating wheat can cause depression.

Steve.

HI, glad you are here and willing to share this difficult issue. Yes, many worry about the return of the dreaded "c" word, especially around scanning/monitoring appointments. However, one thing you CAN control is your attitude and persepctive. 

So, ask yourself, what do I gain by worrying if "c" will return? (notice I only use it in lower case so as not to give it any power)

Why waste needed energy in recovering and learning to be as healthy as you can be, diet, exercise, mental health. 

I usually say this prayer. If you are not a beliver, then leave off the first word:

(GOD) grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change. 

COURAGE to change the things I can 

and WISDOM to know the differnce.

I know, I know, easier said than done. But try best you can.

Either way, we'll always be here for YOU!

Sending you HOPE, HEALING and COURAGE in a gentle HUG!

Jan

And I still get emotional.  Especially if I know the hospital where my tests are done are deficient in the customer service end; or I don't feel the Nurse or Onc. is giving me a straight answer.

As in, did they lie?  No.  Did they tell the entire truth? No.

So being emotional comes with the territory-just don't be a "Sarah Heartburn" over it.

Hugs for Christmas.donna-lee