Venting, scared, tired, heartbroken

I love my darling husband of 20 years more than anything. He is my rock, my big strong man, and he got cancer last year.  Surgery followed by treatment, followed by recurrance, followed by surgery, followed by more treatment.  

My heart broke when I hugged him as he was being taken into surgery and he said "you smell good".  My heart breaks when I see him after surgery and he sleepily asks me "did they get all the cancer?"  I've written before on this board that I cry in the shower and in the car and I find some release in that.  Sometimes I'm outside running and I have to stop because I start crying.  I'm embarrassed neighbors will see me and think "Oh, there's that strange running crying lady again."  I have days and weeks where I'm OK, then hit a rough patch which is why I guess I'm posting this.  It's theraputic.  

I knew he was overwhelmed and not entirely comfortable with his doctor. I asked if I could take on the research for him to align with a doctor at a higher ranked hospital even though it is further away.  Fortunately, he agreed.  He went to this doctor, and his comfort level hugely increased so that was at least a good step taken.     

He calls me his patient advocate which makes me happy because he must think I'm doing something beneficial.  I did tell him I think his focus should be on getting through treatment, staying strong, and managing his work.  I can take all the family and home items off his plate, which I do.  My parents are elderly and not doing well, so I am also helping them through their own issues which I do not burden my husband with.  

I am so scared for what the future holds.  This is something he and I will need to live along side the rest of our lives and I am still heartbroken.  I am also so tired of "rising to the occasion".  Sometimes the caretaker needs a caretaker.  Thanks for allowing me to vent.  Bless you all.