Guilt

lonecougar
lonecougar Member Posts: 5
in Caregivers #1

 

My wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February of this year. I have been by her side the whole time. I have gone to every appointment with her and spent many nights sleeping in her hospital rooms. She has an appointment with her oncologist coming up in early October. In haste I mentioned that maybe her sister could go to the appointment with her instead of me as I am worn out. She did not have a problem with that and her sister was more than glad to go with her. Now I am having second thoughts about not going. I feel like I am letting her down and that I might feel guilty about not going in the future. Any thoughts would be helpful.  Joe

 

Comments

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    #2
    I dont think you are letting

    I dont think you are letting her down at all.  I wouldnt feel any guilt.

    From my experiences, I was searching eagerly for someone, anyone to step in and take care of my wife.  I talked to my wife's sister regularly
    and she never once stepped in to help.  If you found a family member who wants to help, then let them help and tkae time off for yourself. Take
    yourself out to lunch or visit some friends or anything.  Its a long and difficult journey taking care of someone who was diagnosed with cancer,
    then chemotherapy.  You have to take breaks as the caregiver and this seems like a really small break that your taking and you shouldnt have
    any second thoughts.  Take the break and let any family that wants to help, help.

     

  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #3
    Care and comfort for both of you

    I can relate to your guilt and unease about letting someone else step in as a caregiver even if it is only for a short time. During the first year of being a caregiver myself, I felt like I would be turning my back on my loved one and the situation, or it felt as if I would seem disinterested and uncaring, if I let others do the job I was committed and responsible for.

    But after letting relatives contribute in the role of caregiver, I realized it gave me the relief I needed in order to keep going for the long and hard journey in front of us. It also allowed the relatives to have time with my husband so they could have those loving conversations that were long overdue. Conversations about beautiful memories they shared, conversations about how scared they were about the unknown future, conversations about how much they cared for one another and conversations about what they felt was really important in life.

    I have also been on the other side of this dilemma when I was pushed away and not given a chance to contribute to the care of a relative. I could not fix the medical problem nor could I fix the cancer diagnosis but I had so much care and comfort to contribute. I could contribute a compassionate ear and be a companion for some one who felt isolated because none of the family was allowed to help.

    Given a chance to contribute to your wife's care, your sister-in-law will gain an understanding of just how big the job of caregiving really is and can possibly become a source of comfort to both you and your wife. I have always believed the primary caregiver needs and deserves just as must care, attention and assistance as the patient.

    Bless you for your dedication and commitment to your wife and for seeing that she has all of the care she could possibly need.  No matter where that care may come from

     

  • TheTerry
    TheTerry Member Posts: 27
    #4
    Guilt

    I understand your feeling of guilt but agree entirely with Catholic and AnnaLeigh. I'm sure your wife understands more than she may have indicated and/or more than you realize. Use the time doing something you'll enjoy, especially if you can do it with one of your own friends. Caregiving can be very isolating.

     

    Good luck to you and your wife. 

  • lonecougar
    lonecougar Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2017 #5
    My thanks to all who replied.

    My thanks to all who replied.  It was hard to let someone else take over for a few days but it turned out to be a good thing for everyone. My wife was able to connect with her sister and I was able to reflect on the past 9 months. It gave me the time needed to regroup my thoughts and prepare for the future. Joe

  • TheTerry
    TheTerry Member Posts: 27
    #6
    lonecougar said:

    My thanks to all who replied.

    My thanks to all who replied.  It was hard to let someone else take over for a few days but it turned out to be a good thing for everyone. My wife was able to connect with her sister and I was able to reflect on the past 9 months. It gave me the time needed to regroup my thoughts and prepare for the future. Joe

    Glad to hear it! Thanks for

    Glad to hear it! Thanks for letting us know. Hang in.

    Just a personal note - it took me almost a week after my sister came home for me to go out for an hour or so while a PSW was with her. I just felt uncomfortable not being present all the time. I got over that! 

  • Fiorella
    Fiorella Member Posts: 1
    #7
    Same here

    Hi Joe ! I’ve been thr the same PC with my wife since last February. We are done with Chemo/Radio/Whipple and clean up after operation chemo. If you need some advise or help please let me kno 

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