Our Last Months Together

I lost my girlfriend (Karen) of 16 years to Metastatic breast cancer after a 6 year battle on May 12th 2017 at 4:41PM eastern Time.  She was only 59. I have not stopped crying since the day she went into ICU 5 days prior. In October of 2016 she had an emergency CT scan and discovered the cancer had spread to her lungs. She was tough and stated that it was just "a bump in the road". When we got the results of the scan I had that feeling of doom although with her optimism I could not help but feel the same way after that doomed feeling disipated. In her last 9 months in this life we were the closest we ever were, we loved each other immensley. Once she got diagnosed with the progression to the lungs she enrolled in a trial study for BBI503. It was a disaster. We were cautiously optimistic after reading about it but it caused her so much GI distress she immediatley left the study. The BBI503 left her incapasitated for over 2 weeks before she gained a sense of normalcy again. She immediatley went back on Chemo and had a Plaura drain put in as well to drain the outer lung since fluid began to build up. I use to drain her every other day and it gave her relief but then all of a sudden the fluid stopped. We were told that it was most likely because the chemo was working. We were optimistic. A day later we were told she was getting enrolled in a Keytruda trial. The trial nurse said that they were cautiously optimistic about this treatment because it had success in previous studies. She was suppose to get her 1st treatment the following week but her breathing started to get worse and we had to rush her to the emergency room. Earlier, we were told that since the fluid stopped draining the chemo was having some effect but that was the furthest from the truth. The drain got clogged and she developed and infection in the lung. The emergency room visit turned into a 12 day hospital stay. Needless to say, she was dropped for the Keytruda trial. We were extremely disappointed. Karen was still optimistic and also happy she was finally going home after a 12 day hospital stay. She was tough and strong. She got enrolled in another trial (Abbvie927). Again, we were optimistic that this treatment would be effective. But after starting the trial she really started to struggle with her breathing, her movements, her appetite and sleep. She was really beginning to go down hill. She never wanted to go into Hospice. She wanted to continue to fight. She made it to 3 treatements in the 3rd trial. The weekend before her 4th I had to take her again to the emergency room because she needed to get hydrated due to lack of fluids and her inabilty to drink. He trial doctor told her she needed to be drained as well and she wanted to wait until after her 4th treatment although I wanted her to get drained immedialtly. The hospital staff did not release her becasue of her condition. I knew once I took her that they wouldn't release her. They tranferred her to another hospital and began to monitor her condition. She was going down hill fast and I felt helpless to help her. All I could do is rub her back and head and tell her how much I loved her. I left her that night at 10:30. The last thing we said to each other was "I love you". When I returned early the next morning she had already gone into respiratory distress and was taken to the ICU and put on a respirator. I was only able to make eye contact with her that day. She was able to write on a piece of paper that she loved us all and the last thing she wrote was a note to her daughter that said "I love you Molly".  I stayed way into the night everynight while she was in ICU.  Even though she was sedated, I held and rubbed her hand as I talked her. On Friday May 12th, and as her condition continued to worsen the family decided to remove her from the respirator. She died 6 minutes later at 4:41PM surrounded by her Mother, Brother, three daughters and I. It was the absolute worst moment of my life. My grief is overwhelming and I have  been going to group and one on one counseling. I miss her everyday, my love for her is immense and never ending. We had a great story.  I will honor her everyday for the rest of my life. I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER KAREN!!! Immaculately and Eternally. I will miss her for the remainder of my days. Until we meet again.