Where do I go from here?

Deb, I am so sorry this happened to you.  How fortunate that you have a good support system in your family and friends.  I wonder though if a support group of people going through the same thing might also help a lot -- perhaps like "Suddenly Alone" or something similar where you can talk out what you're going through and listen to how others are handling it.  Are you familiar with Meetup.com?  They are groups that people start to get together to enjoy common interests locally.  They are mostly not dating groups or anything like that, although there are some groups for singles, but mostly it's about common interests for all age groups.  Really a good way to start getting out of the house and slowly start turning your attention to what you're going to do with the next chapter of your life.  Sounds like you are being good to yourself in taking time to grieve.  Continue to be kind to yourself by finding healthy ways to grieve (and perhaps return the shopping items).  God bless.

My Karen on May 12th, 2017. Its been just over 4 months. There isn't an hour that goes by when I don't think about her. I wish she was still here. Our life together was getting ready was going to be the best it ever was. Our children had graduated from High School, we were both in the twilight of our careers where we were both content where we were. We had a lot to look forward to but that was all taken away from us this spast Spring. I've been going to Spousal loss group, I've been going to one on one counseling and although some say it makes your question your faith, her passing has strengthened mine. I'm trying to get back on the path God created for me and I'm hoping that Path leads me back to her in the next stage. I know some people question that existence but it's all I have now and I must have the Faith and the hope that it exist.

Deb,

I am so sorry for your loss. "What's next ?" is definitely one of the tougher aspects of grief. Most of us are not in our right minds anyway. After 4+ years, I have finally decided what's next for me. Come he!! or high water, I'm moving from this place where I still see him or hear his voice in every room.

I lost my husband in May of 2013 after a horrendous 6 month battle with cancer. A year later, I watched my daughter die a horrible death, also from cancer. Shortly afterward, I mostly lost my mind. Instead of retail therapy, I used gambling therapy to complete my devastation. It was mindless entertainment to fill the long, lonely hours of the night. A very bad choice on my part. Grief causes us to do so many things without thinking them through beforehand.

Yes, I am still grieving. I cannot say that it is better, only that I have learned to somewhat accept my losses. I went to a local grief support group that made me feel like maybe I was still a sane human being. I also belong to an online grief support group that has been a lifesaver.

I want to share something again that I found online shortly after I lost my husband. I also shared it 4 years ago. For me, it kind of says it all.

Wolfen

Unique And Devastating Loss(by Wifeless)

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other, 
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We 
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt 
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human 
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the 
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The 
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend 
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended 
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us 
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared 
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, 
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, 
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as 
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. 
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership 
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. 
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The 
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we 
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, 
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional 
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine 
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new 
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To 
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while 
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. 
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death, 
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further 
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to 
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in 
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most 
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted 
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed 
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, 
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral 
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to 
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For 
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. 
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one 
other death only. Ours.

Socks and underwear are good, as needed. I was horrified recently at how much I spent on said items, but considering my underwear appeared to have succumbed to natural causes, I did the math and realized I had gotten a really good ROI. Boats and four-wheelers, you can learn how to deal with when the time comes. This grief stuff takes time. If you haven't been to your own physician for a check-up in a while, now is probably a real good time to do it. Be gentle with yourself, but also be your own best friend. If you have to stage an intervention on yourself, go ahead. Me, I at least waited until I'd finished the pint of ice cream. Fortunately (?) it didn't take long. The worst part had been deciding whether to eat the whole bag of chips or the ice cream on the way home from the grocery store. Fortunately, I had a spoon in the car and I hit all the lights, so it wasn't much of a decision after all. 

Keep us posted as you're able. Hugs --