College Student's Mom has Cancer

My mom was diagnosed with a rare form of ovarian cancer when I was in the 4th grade. We lived on a military base in Okinawa. My dad was deployed in Iraq. She was in a foreign country with three kids. I didn't even know what was going on. They didn't use the word cancer with me. I just knew she was going away to have a surgery, and my grandparents were flying over to watch us kids. I had nightmares both my parents were going to die, and I was going to be an orphan. But they didn't, they both came back. Everything returned to normal.

Fast forward to the summer before my freshman year of college. I had to choose between the safe in state school of UVA, or take a chance, for once in my life, and go to the University of Miami (FL) on a hefty partial scholarship. I wanted to join the rowing team at UM, so my mom and I took a local learn to row class to prepare. She rowed in high school and college so this is a bonding moment for us. Until it wasn't.

About a month before I was supposed to leave, we found out her cancer has recurred. In four places. I was speechless. No one prepared me for that. I thought it was over with years ago. One and done. I become distraught. They didn't even have a treatment plan yet. I am so close to my mom, she is my best friend. I felt like if I went away to school I would be abandoning her. I already declined UVA. I contemplated trying to differ for a year? I worked so hard to get good grades in High School, I can't imagine myself going to a community college, even for just a year. She convinced me to go to UM still. She wanted me to follow my dreams, and didn’t want to be the one to get in the way of them. Even though it felt like I was abandoning her, I convinced myself to go anyways. She drove me down, and I cried my eyes out when she left. I tell myself I had to make the best of it. I had to accomplish something to make it worth leaving her. 

I join the rowing team and somehow become a Division One Athlete. It all happens very fast. My times improve rapidly, because every time I row, I do it for her. For a while it feels ok. I'm doing well in my classes, and in athletics. I feel like I am making her proud. But I'm exhausted. Every minute of every day it felt like I was just trying to get by. I told myself you just had to get though a semester. I was so happy to go home for winter break. She was finished with her first round of chemo, I thought all was well, but it wasn't. No one had prepared me that she might require a second round. Just as I was pretending to be ok, so was she. 

Second semester was even worse. I'm carried this weight around with me. I didn't tell hardly anyone what was going on, and it made it hard to connect. I felt disingenuous because people didn't know who I really was. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I was EXHAUSTED. My roommate and my schedules don't align which makes it very hard to sleep. I didn’t tell hardly anyone what was really going on. Miami is a flashy city, and everyone surrounding me seemed vain and superficial. I didn’t make any friends with people on my floor. It didn’t feel like we have a lot in common. The girls on the rowing team aren't much better. A group of them get into disciplinary issues and this fractured the team dynamic. I was disgusted by the petty behavior. I confided in the assistant coach, who has her own cancer story. I began to hate the head coach thought, and his leadership style.

I only made 2 real friends. Eventually I tell them everything. They try to be sympathetic, but getting everything off my chest doesn't even make me feel better. I sleepwalked to practice, to class, to weights, back to class, to the library, to my room and buried my face under the pillow until my roommate will finally agree to turn off the light. Then it all goes on repeat. Even when I tried to be proactive and have fun my mind was distracted. I took a scuba diving class, (something I always wanted to do), but my mom was always in the back of my mind. The anxiety was overwhelming. Did I make the right choice? Do I belong here? What the hell was I doing? I felt so guilty to be complaining about being at this school, where so many people would love to be, but I felt like a prisoner trapped in paradise. 

I called my mom often, and tried to put on a brave face. I didn't want her to be worrying about me on top of everything else. Her and my dad were able to come to a few regattas. My dad is not much better, he is a disabled veteran, who was also hit by a drunk driver a few years ago, and walks with two canes. I used to have the healthiest parents out of everyone, I don't know how it all changed so quickly. Seeing my mom every time was heartbreaking. She lost her hair from chemo, and every time she got thinner and thinner. It was like she was a shell of the person I once knew. Everyone used to comment on how much we looked alike. I was her mini-me, but not anymore. We tried to chat after races, but she was always exhausted and had to go sleep. All I wanted was to hold onto her and never let go. 

When the year finally ended I was relieved. I went home and spent the entire summer with my mom, she had finished 32 weeks of chemo, and was regaining her strength again. Her hair started to grow back, she got a tan. I took her to the gym with me and helped her rebuild her muscles. I didn't think anything for a whole month. Until family started visiting and asking me how my first year of school was. I hated this question. They asked it like you would ask any other freshman in college: "Do a lot of partying in Miami?", "You probably can't wait to get back?". When I tried to tell them the truth... that it was hard... they would inevitably not believe me, not understand, or change the subject. So, I started pretending. Spinning it, pretending it was not that bad. I was so good at pretending I fooled even myself. I called my rowing coach and told her I would not be returning to the team. I convinced myself that if I wasn't rowing, I could have a different year. A better year. That erasing the physical exhaustion would help erase the mental and emotional. I had signed a lease to live off campus so I felt like I had to go back to UM, but secretly I was considering transfer options for my junior year that were in state. Meanwhile I just got lost in a summer that was never going to be long enough. I wanted everything to go back to the way it was a year ago. My high school friends knew what was going on the previous year, but they didn't understand. Some of them became distant, even when I tried to make plans. They were all very much busy with their own lives, which I understood. So, I sought refuge with my mom instead. It was perfect for a while, but eventually my anxiety began to grow. It was the first summer since I was 14 that I wasn’t working, so I thought I was just under-programed. I couldn't place what exactly was bothering me at the time. I felt restless at home, overrun with a feeling of dread.

My mom's CT results came back, and while the four tumors had shrunk, they were still very much there. Surgery is the best option for her type of cancer, but because one of the tumors is near a major artery, our local hospital couldn't do it, so we are waiting for second opinions. She told me she was going on a hormone pill, but it was really a chemo pill. It helps, but it's not a cure. I felt like I was in the exact same place that I was a year ago. My mom was sick with no immediate treatment plan, and I was about to go far far away. On top of that I still don't know exactly what I want to major in, so going away just feels like a waste of time and money. 

I didn't realize how much I didn't want to go back to UM until I got here. My mom drove down to Florida with me. In the car, I thought I was just sheading a few tears because I was saying goodbye to home. But when we arrived at my new apartment I balled my eyes out. It was like a tape cassette of "I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here. I want to go home," was playing over and over again in my head." She looked at me worried. She said we can pack the car and go home, but I know we can't. I signed the stupid lease with my two friends, and I can't leave them high and dry. I dropped her off at the airport and cried the whole way home.  I cried myself to sleep. very building I look at fills me with hatred. Last year was a bad dream. I woke up from the bad dream over the summer. Enough time passed that I forgot about the details, but now I have stepped back into it and it's torture. Everything on campus reminds me of pain. It's been a week and I have had panic attacks every day in the bathroom between classes. I feel like I am losing my mind. I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Then I hate myself because I know others have it much worse. I have to physically pinch myself and say pull it together before I make my way to my next class. I can't concentrate. I tried to make an appointment with the counseling center, but the next available is 2 weeks away. 

I used to be the person who wanted to travel the world. There was no adventure I wouldn't sign up for. Now all I want to do is go home. I feel like these are the trajectory years. I don't know what I would regret more, trading big dreams for temporary comfort, or vice versa. I tried to look up if I could at least get my tuition back, but I can’t. If I could pack everything up, go to community college, and call the rent a loss. I don't know what I want anymore. I thought the last year would make me feel stronger but I really feel weaker. Weaker than I have ever been.