Confession

Hi Jan Jan, thank you for your post. I know it's not easy to open yourself up like this and maybe some people

will not appreciate your post, but I assure you many will. I know you have read my story twice and said so. I had somewhat of an experience like yours. If you remember, I heard a voice about 3:00 am which said "I gave you a second chance now what have you done with it?" I don't think that came from myself or the devil. Why would God's enemy want me to guide lost people to him or why would I put that kind of burden on myself and it is a burden. It worried me for several weeks until I came to the conclusion that the Lord wants me to use my experience to reach other cancer victims on the brink of death. Some of these people have heard the gospel of Jesus Christ many times during their life and have always rejected the good news. Maybe my testimony about my experience with stage IV colon cancer will be the last time they see the salvation prayer. I believe that something in all of us wants to know what happens to us when we die. You said that you have no religious designation, right? I once heard someone say that going to church makes you a christian like going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger.Don't get me wrong, I do go to church and believe that I should. The point being, when we stand before God the Father, he isn't going to ask us if we were Baptist, Catholic, methodist,etc. He will ask what do you say about my son? I'm going to say "He is my Lord and saviour." He says in your word that his death on the cross covers everyone's sins.He said that if anyone accepts him they will have eternal life. I have done that. Now Lord can I please come in?

I suggest you get the book "Imagine Heaven," by John Burke. I just read it and it gave me great comfort. Whoever reads this post can go to my page and read my story on my blog entitled "How I Beat Stage Four Colon Cancer."  God bless you Jan Jan  P.S. again thank you for your comments.  blessed39

Jan, I admire your faith.  I think you're even more faithful than those self-proclaimed faithfuls whose attitudes are despicable as hell.  

I was born and raised a Catholic.  Never missed a sunday mass.  I'm not the type who would wear those head scarves and walk from the door of the church to the altar kneeling.  I'm just the silent type, conversant to God anytime I feel anything.  I have to admit when I learned about my cancer my faith was a bit shaken.  I had the "Why me??" moment with Him.  And then after a few moments, I realize that there was a reason why He gave me this.  Maybe to help others.  Maybe to remind me to be more prayerful (I have to admit I was preoccupied with work that I sometimes forget praying).  Maybe to be more appreciative of what I have.  I don't know.  Only He knows.

I call these moments when we have a vision of Him as an "encounter".  I also had an encounter.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  People might laugh, think I'm crazy or ridiculous or be inspired with this.  

I'm a Marian devotee.  I have a specific Mother Mary holy place which I frequented to (although I don't attend the feast because I don't like praying while in a big crowd-I can't concentrate and the sanctity is kinda lost because I get distracted with a lot of people).  I go there during the not-peak season so that there's only a few people.  She has answered all prayers I asked of her.  But the holy place I go to takes a 2-hour drive, and a 30 minute walk-uphill.  Right after I had the surgery, I wanted to go there.  I was so conditioned I really wanted to talk to Her I don't care if it was only one week since I had the surgery.  But my family prevented me because my body might not take the long walk and the heat of going there.  

So I just opted for another church whose patron is also Mother Mary.  It was just days after I had the surgery.  It was a big church, and we sat on the middle part where you can't clearly see the altar.  But that's not an issue as we aren't there to stare at the altar but to listen.  Anyway, it was homily time.  I was just sitting there, listening to the priest while simultaneously thinking of my condition.  As my eyes kept on moving elsewhere (I really don't like fixing my eyes on one place--even in church lol) I stumbled staring at the image of the Mother Mary in the altar.  She was situated on the topmost area, well actually you can't see Her.  As I was looking intently, I saw Her face.  She was very beautiful.  And then a certain calm went over me.  No, the image didn't speak.  It was just Her face that I saw.  She wasn't talking.  And then I felt like something tell me "everything's gonna be okay".  I felt so assured at that time.  After the mass, I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was just the usual effect of prayer over me.  I just told my husband "I feel so good after hearing mass".

Fast forward to the next month, we went there again to hear mass.  This time, we were seated near to the altar you can see the priest already.  However, when I stared back to the image.  I cannot see Her.  Like, no matter how hard or close I look, even during communion time when we line up to the priest to receive the Holy host, I was not able to decipher Her face.  That's when I realize that I had the "encounter" the previous month.  She was showing Herself to me.  I didn't tell anyone of this because they might say I'm just imagining things or I'm ridiculous.  I just kept it to myself.  And then the next time we went there, I tried to watch closely in the altar, heck, yeah, I approached it and saw that she was a Black Virgin Mary! The statue was a black Virgin Mary.  And I thought, wait, the one I saw was a white one.  And I figured.  The image I saw was the image of the Virgin Mary of the holy place that I was a devotee of.  It was then that I realize that no matter what church you go, She is there to follow and guide us.  To tell us of Her Saving Grace.  Until this day, when I feel like a loser, I hold on to that encounter.  I don't know what happens to my journey.  Cancer may kill me.  It may not.  But one thing's for sure, Mama Mary and God will never leave me alone.  

JanJan63 said:

What a kind thing to say,

What a kind thing to say, thank you! If you saw me driving and getting mad at other drivers you might think differently! Ha ha! But Jesus didn't tolerate people who were nasty or foolish, either, so I figure I'm in good company.

Thank you for sharing that! Isn't it wonderful that we have our faith to keep us happy? What a great gift! I'm sad for people who have none, including my husband. We used to scrap about it and I'd become furious and hurt that he was trying to take my faith away by offering me 'reasons' why it's silly. I remember crying and yelling at him and asking him why he'd want to do that to me? To try to take away my whole purpose in life. The basis of everything. It seemed so cruel. And I remember when he said he believed because I awoke from the coma the day after he finally went to the chapel in the hospital and prayed for me. This was a couple of weeks later because I was still a mess for the first few weeks but I remember the feeling of gratitude washing over me. Not just for my life but for his revalation. 

And now things are not going so well and he's lost it. It breaks my heart. I guess it shows how little faith he actually had. Now he's been sick for a few days with severe constipation and he's feeling really bad about not fully comprehending what that was like for me. And I'm scared for him. He had a colonoscopy a year and a half ago but it would certainly be ironic if he had this now. It scares me so much. I'm not strong enough physically or mentally. As I've said before, I think it's harder to be a caretaker than the person with the cancer. At least he didn't know how horrible some of what I went through was. I don't know how I'd deal with that if I ever had to. I wouldn't even be able to give him those heparin shots after surgery. 

Anyway, putting the cart before the horse.

Hugs,

Jan

I think faith is something that's hard to impose on someone.  I too am a very realistic person and sometimes wonder if God really exists.  But even if I don't see Him, I feel his presence.  I feel His presence in the people I meet, the people I love, everywhere.  He's been with me in all trials I've been, He has never let me down.  Sure, He has given me problems but I am sure He is there to help me get through.  That's why its called faith, you don't have any concrete evidence to back it up, you just hold on to it.

I hope your husband will also get that "faith" one day.  And I love how you protect your faith.  Keep it strong, who knows, your husband might just be converted to being a believer one day.  

I hope and pray your husband's case is just constipation and nothing serious.  One in the family is enough.  If another in the family had another life-threatening condition, I might not handle it.

I am a very active Baptist Christian but being Christian isn't about what Church you attend or what demonination you are affiliated with; it is about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  Without trying to upset anyone's theology, I do believe that God communicates with us in different ways.  I am not discounting that He may choose to audibly speak with us, but we have to remember that God is spririt and He often communicates with us in a "Still Small Voice".  We may hear a song on the radio that really speaks to our hearts and the situation we are in....that is God whispering.  We may have a vivid dream or vision that really speaks to us....that is God prompting.  Someone we know may say just the right thing at just the right time to give us clarity or even peace over a situation.....that is mostly how God speaks to me.  I think everyone's journey is different but we also have to remember that our task as Christians is to lead or point others to Christ.  We can do that with the way we lead our lives, with how we care, love and minister to others, or by simply telling others what He has done for us.

I read a story once about how blacksmiths use a common piece of metal to make something really useful by super-heating it and shaping it.  Sometimes the metal has to be reheated multiple times and folded and hammered before the object that is being created is finished.  While I do not belive that God gave me cancer, I believe He allows us to go through these trials mostly to shape us into the person He designed us to be and to bring us closer to Him.  As I said before, each journey is unique but the end result is not for our glory but for His.

By sharing our experiences with others and allowing these trials to shape our beings, we can show the love of Christ to those we come in contact with every day.  You may never know this side of Heaven how the way you handled your trial affects the way someone else sees Christ in you.

JanJan63 said:

Phil, how great would that be

Phil, how great would that be? To have the opportunity to bounce ideas off of each other. I wonder if there is a way with us being so far apart. I'd also like to include a glossary of words and procedures and what they mean as well as possible adjunctive cures or aids and what they are and do or don't do. I want to have a go-to book for people that is actually useful, not just funny and interesting. At least I'd hope it would be funny and interesting. Maybe I'm overestimating myself. Even little thngs like not letting them take your blood pressure from the arm with the IV in it because it can hurt. Or to be careful about the IV with potassium because that can sting like a bugger and you never want the blood pressure taken in the arm that has an IV of potassium because it can blow the vein. And then you get the fun of a new IV poke. The nurses tend to not tell you that, though, until it happens.

Even just things like what meds you've been on and what the side effects were- if any- and if they helped and keep it on you because every time you go to a doctor or emerg they ask what you're on. Also, keep a business card wallet or something to keep track of all the different specialists you see. I don't know if everyone is like me that way but there's SO many I can't remember them all.

Your quotes and messages would be  lovely to have people be able to read in a more public way. Every opportunity for encouragement and inspiration and hope is so important. Hmm, I wonder if we could do this. At my end it's mostly finished, probably over half.

We should talk, Phil!

Jan

My email is same as my blog @ aol . Com.

also I work with lots of remote consultants and use gotomeeting to collaborate. 

Lov this idea. 

Already want to dedicate this book to Craig. If you don't know him from this board I will give you background later.

JanJan63 said:

I've got lots going on in the

I've got lots going on in the next few days and I'm terrible at technology so bear with me Phil!

Jan

No worries Jan

pscamihorn @ aol . com

talk to you soon

blog: http://pscamihorn.me