Diagnosis Change

  Another constant is change, even in cancer.  According to one doctor I've got Rectal Cancer and the other is holding to Colon.  At first I thought I might have two tumors but that was cleared up as it being long enough to bridge the intersection of the sigmoid colon and rectum.  

  The next surprise came with the biopsy.  According to that, I don't have cancer!  It's very close but no cigar. The doctors disagree and I'm in their camp.  That thing in me isn't benign, that's for damn sure. it is growing and is evidenced by the simple fact I can now feel it interfering with digestion. Who ever pulled the sample either missed it or grabbed onto a part that wasn't fully developed.  So, now they want to do a PET scan etc. to be absolutely without a doubt sure.   I can feel it inside me as strange as that may sound.  Since it's where it is I get the I have to go sensation that isn't quite right because of it.  I believe the colon is trying to pass into the rectum and since there is resistance due to it partially obstructing the canal it's creating a similar feeling.  The rectum isn't full but the colon doesn't know that.  A false alarm so to speak.

 I went in for the consultations for radiation and chemo.  They are going to do both together for 28 days, 5 days a week. The drug of choice is Xeloda. Seems that it doesn't have harsh side affects and is fairly popular.   After that will be surgery and then maybe more chemo.  We'll see after this first round.  It was kinda strange when I went to the Chemo dpt.  They had a large waiting area but no one was there.  It was 3:30 so I figured I was the last customer of the day.  They gave me a black folder with the first page being a description of Xeloda. While the nurse was doing something on a computer I noticed it said it is an antimetabolite. I must have said it out load because the nurse asked me how I knew about that.  I told her I read about the various forms of chemo used and how they operated.  I guess a lot of people don't do much in the way of research into what their given. They should.  In my opinion I think other avenues of attacking cancer cells should be looked into since interfering with DNA has consequences to normal cells and may explain the recurrance possibility. From what the doctor said it can be as high as 50% in 5 years that it comes back.  That's unacceptable in my book.

 After leaving there and going to the lab I carried that black folder and wondered if maybe the colors were given for a reason.  Perhaps to identify to staff what the person was there for if there is any interaction.  Could be.  The one I got from radiation was green.   While waiting for my number to be called I watched the other people walking around and noticed some people had folders although none were black.  Most of them were either white or blue. After a short while  I got the feeling I know I can beat this.  I'm the one out of all these people who can tackle this which is why I got the black folder.  That's arrogant as hell but for a little while I felt like that, almost proud in an odd sort of way that I get to take this challenge knowing that I will win.  There was a book I read a few years back called With Winning In Mind. it's a book that teaches you the proper mindset to win at what ever sport you're playing.  This isn't a sport but the mindset is the same. The author was a gold medalist in shooting.  It works.  I used it's techniques to win many archery tournaments and there is a mental standard you need.  You lose doubt, fear, and worry. You go in knowing you're going to win.  That's what I felt sitting there.  Yeah, I got this.  It doesn't stay forever but when it's there you feel invincible.

 The prognosis has gone from good to not so good to not having cancer at all, maybe, or maybe not depending on the lab, doctors, or the pictures.  This will work itself out.  It always does.  That much I'm confident in.