Taking back 3 weeks

I got a call this morning from the scheduler to set up my next CT scan for late August. I had already spoken to my oncologist and told her I wanted to wait until after the 15th of September. She said 3 weeks wouldn't be life or death. This isn't a treatment scan. It is my 4 month "is everythig still ok" scan. So when they called today I said to the scheduler. No, I will not be available for scans until after September 15th. I plan to enjoy my 62nd birthday and have our family road trip to Yellowstone and Glacier Nation Parks before I do tests. There was dead silence on the other end of the phone. I guess people never say no to them. She finally says, "well, we only schedule out 6 weeks so I can't make you an appointment that far into September, you will have to call us." I told her OK, I will do that, have a great day. Hung up and took a deep breath. This is the 1st time in nearly 6 years I scheduled on my terms. 

So here is the deal. As you all know, cancer and everything that goes along with it takes total control of your life. You are either in treatment and all that goes along with it, or you are NED (hopefully) but still having dr appointments, tests, waiting for results, worrying about blood work, more dr appointments, etc. At some point you lose control. Everything you do is scheduled around the must do's for cancer. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity to have treatment and regular tests but sometimes you just want to take back a little bit of your life. You just want the new normal to be a little more like the old normal. So today I took back 3 weeks. Those 3 weeks with my family will be enjoyed without tests, the waiting for results and the fear and sleepless nights that go along with them. Those 3 weeks are mine. Cancer can't have them. I feel a little empowered. But also a little guilty if that makes sense. I think many of us become so aware of the cancer in our lives that we are afraid that if we deviate from the plan even a little cancer will win and it will be our fault.  Let's face it, it is life or death and becomes the monkey on our backs. Always there to remind us of what we have to lose. Guess we will see what happens after taking my 3 weeks back. but for me. It is making the life and time I have been blessed to have worth living. 

Blessings,

Mary