Affirmation and positive thoughts
I've decided that not only am I praying every night- which I always did- and asking for help- which I don't usually do, I usually just ask for help for others like everyone on here or am thankful-, but I'm going to tell myself every day at least once that I'm going to beat this and tell my body to fight it off. I've been kind of gliding just letting the treatments do their thing but I'm feeling like I need to do more and I'm really at a loss as to what that is. I'm hoping positive thoughts and prayer will help.
Now that I know my digestive system has a number of thinner areas where the opening isn't as big I'm really having a tough time finding things to eat that don't scare me. And veggies are one ot the things that can be really bad for blockages because they don't digest. Potatoes do but that's about it. Anything that doesn't break down like the skins on each kernel of corn or skins on grapes or anything like that is a concern. I try to carefully chew everything but it takes forever and my food is generally cold by the time I'm done. With nausea being an issue this is really difficult. I wish I could just take a pill to fill my stomach because I'm not enjoying food at all.
Sometimes I just feel worn out and emotionally drained from all of this.
I see the radiation guy tomorrow and my onc on Thursday. Hopefully they can do radiation. And I'm seriously thinking about trying the Vectibix that wrecked my face again. I;m still scarred and probably always will be but make up covers the scars at least. I just don't want to feel that miserable again. I hardly left the house and was crying a lot but then trying not to because my tears stung my skin. Everything made my face hurt like I'd been scalded. And you can only go so long without washing your hair but that was out of the question. I remember thnking at the time that if that's how I was going to feel for the rest of my life or if that's how burn victims feel I can understand why they sometimes take their lives. It was more horrible than I can ever really convey.
Anyway, feeling almost normal finally after the last blockage. Finally, ugh!
Jan
Comments
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Emotionally draining
I've realized that cancer doesn't only mess up with our physical being, it also messes up with our mental and emotional capacity. I may say I understand how you feel, and although we've got all the love in the world, I know we sometimes think "you're not in my shoes. You will never understand how hard it is". I've always said how its easier said than done. It is. Especially when you've got little children to take care of. The uncertainty of their future is what really scares me, that's why sometimes when I wonder if I could live to see their graduation, I just cry. And then I try to think of happy thoughts. I work on something else, watch a movie, or a comedy show, just to make me forget. I think the best weapon we can have is not to think about it. As I've read in another post, everyone of us is terminal. We can die anytime, anywhere, if God willed.
I pray for our physical and emotional health. You can do it Jan! After my diagnosis, I've devised an analysis for my whole treatment. It is, the inverse proportionality between cancer and positivity. If you weaken your positivity, the cancer strengthens. But if your positivity is strengthened, the cancer weakens. Remember, we should not let cancer beat us.
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Prayers
Just know that you all are in my prayers even when I've been absent on this board since my brother died in 2015. I've recently started posting again but all of you are always in my thoughts every day. My journey started on this boad in 2009 and still continued and tried to give support to people like you are doing now. Please remember that praying for yourself isn't wrong because I'm always praying for myself. God knows this and always listens. I'm hoping that this treatment you want back on will help. Digestion can always play a role in our lives. Living wil colon issues will always create a problem you never had before so it's always a learning process. Hope that you get some answers on Thursday that you are looking for.
Hugs! Kim
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Prayers for you and hope that
Prayers for you and hope that you are able to begin eating normal soon. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." Hebrews 12:1
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Love the new picture, Jan
When the going gets tough The tough get going.
Its a tough ride, and you have to keep your head about you or you'll sink.
We are all allowed our down time. When the bad news keeps on coming, its hard to get back on your feet. Top the news with the active treatment, and its a surprise anyone can get up from it.
You a tough one. I mean, real tough. You've already been through so much. Take your down time and run with it, just don't let it outrun you.
You're in my prayers.
Tru
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Love your picture Jan! Never
Love your picture Jan! Never give up!
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Tahnk you Sandy and Tru! I
Tahnk you Sandy and Tru! I got some more bad news today. They do think there's a small mass at the resection site that's causing the blockages. The radiation guy doesn't want to do radiation at this point because it causes so much damage. I see my onc on Thursday- actually she's on holidays so a different one- and I'm going to go back on the Vectibix and hope I don't get the same reaction as last time. I still have scars from that one. But, when they put me on it I was having a period of several months where I was getting hives for no reason. Apparently it's something that can happen to adults occasionally. So I'm hopeful that because that's over with I won't react the same. My skin isn't so 'angry' at this point. Even if it is as bad I'm going to have to tough it out. I'm not working so I don't have to worry about going anywhere and the stress of missing work. But my onc had a test done on my original tumour and it responds well to the Vectibix.
So, another summer ruined. I should just get used to it. And, if this doesn't work there's not going to be very many summers for me anyway.
What a crappy afternoon. I got the results. My husband was freaking out and ran out of the room crying. He never cries. The he wanted to get something to eat after so we went to a Japanese place. I had beef and noodles. Once I ordered I got a migraine. Haven't had one in years. I don't get the pain, just the 'aura'. Like sparkles that start to cover your vision. So I'm trying to eat while I can hardly see and I have to pick out things that are blockage dangers. I get almost halfway through and my nausea starts. I hadn't taken my nausea pills since the morning and it was three in the afternoon. They boxed up stuff for us and we ended up with an axtra empty container, thank God for small mercies, because we got a couple of blocks away and I started throwing up violently. 45 minute drive home through the city and then on the highway to our small town. I threw up 8 times. By the end it was just bile and I was like a dishrag with exhaustion. Got home and went to bed and just got up from sleeping and had a cup of tea with my ant-nausea meds and I feel totaly normal now.
I seriously can't win for losing...
Thanks for the compliment Sandy! I took that last night when I was out with my boy.
Jan
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Don't give upJanJan63 said:Tahnk you Sandy and Tru! I
Tahnk you Sandy and Tru! I got some more bad news today. They do think there's a small mass at the resection site that's causing the blockages. The radiation guy doesn't want to do radiation at this point because it causes so much damage. I see my onc on Thursday- actually she's on holidays so a different one- and I'm going to go back on the Vectibix and hope I don't get the same reaction as last time. I still have scars from that one. But, when they put me on it I was having a period of several months where I was getting hives for no reason. Apparently it's something that can happen to adults occasionally. So I'm hopeful that because that's over with I won't react the same. My skin isn't so 'angry' at this point. Even if it is as bad I'm going to have to tough it out. I'm not working so I don't have to worry about going anywhere and the stress of missing work. But my onc had a test done on my original tumour and it responds well to the Vectibix.
So, another summer ruined. I should just get used to it. And, if this doesn't work there's not going to be very many summers for me anyway.
What a crappy afternoon. I got the results. My husband was freaking out and ran out of the room crying. He never cries. The he wanted to get something to eat after so we went to a Japanese place. I had beef and noodles. Once I ordered I got a migraine. Haven't had one in years. I don't get the pain, just the 'aura'. Like sparkles that start to cover your vision. So I'm trying to eat while I can hardly see and I have to pick out things that are blockage dangers. I get almost halfway through and my nausea starts. I hadn't taken my nausea pills since the morning and it was three in the afternoon. They boxed up stuff for us and we ended up with an axtra empty container, thank God for small mercies, because we got a couple of blocks away and I started throwing up violently. 45 minute drive home through the city and then on the highway to our small town. I threw up 8 times. By the end it was just bile and I was like a dishrag with exhaustion. Got home and went to bed and just got up from sleeping and had a cup of tea with my ant-nausea meds and I feel totaly normal now.
I seriously can't win for losing...
Thanks for the compliment Sandy! I took that last night when I was out with my boy.
Jan
Jan, I'm so sorry that you received some bad news. But I don't think you should lose hope. I don't know what to say to ease your worry but I hope this song, which I also posted on my other thread, will at least give you some motivation to not give up. The title is Don't Give Up by Gregorian. Gregorian's vocals aren't clear, but listen intently to Sarah Brightman's vocals and the lyrics, they're very touching.
Here's the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeEoR6PQV8U0 -
Jan, so sorry that you are
Jan, so sorry that you are not feeling good. I am praying that God will ease your fears and discomfort and place his healing arms around you.
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Thank you both. I woke up at
Thank you both. I woke up at 4 am and couldn't stop thinking about it. The things I need to do before I'm gone to make it easier for my family, the things I want to do- my bucket list- which is now very much shorter than it was because of my health, the dreams I must give up, who I need to reach out to that I haven't seen for a while, what will happen to my horse and dogs, all of that stuff. It's hard to turn your brain off at times like that.
I'm so sad but not really crying much. I knew this was the worst case scenario so I'd already kind of accepted that it could happen despite my attempts at beng positive. And I could switch chemos and still be okay longer than they think. It's possible. I'm hoping it happens. I hate seeing my hisband crying and upset and knowing it's because of me. I didn't tell my daughter. They said at this point they'd only use radiation for palliative comfort if I need it. I told her that they don't want to do more damage for now and would rather I tried the other chemo. I've never lied to her but hse doesn't need the burden.
Damn, this really sucks. I pray that the new chemo will at least hold it at bay for some time. Maybe I can get five years out of this. Last fall I was told ten and I was upset. Now I'd be thrilled to get ten more years.
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DietJanJan63 said:Thank you all so very much! I
Thank you all so very much! I'm so happy I can post this and not be judged. Thank you for the support and kind words, thoughts, and prayers. May we all beat this beast.
Love,
Jan
Try the brat diet for a bit and see how you tolerate it. Brat stands for Bananas.Rice.Applesauce,and Toast.
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I got real upset when I
I got real upset when I started reading your post...I wish I could give you a helping hand. I will keep on praying for a healing hand from Him. Nothing is impossible when asked His healing power by heart. You are a tough young woman and I know you'll pull yourself through this.
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Thank you EissetB! I just got
Thank you EissetB! I just got home from my family doctor and he said he's never in 36 years of practice seen anyone with such a positive attitude and as tough as me. He said anyone else would be dragging themselves around and lying in bed. He told my husband "she's tough, tough, tough as nails!" He said he wouldn't be surprised if the chemo worked and I'm back to feeling a lot better. He said that he's never seen anyone have so many hits against them yet be so enrgetic and doing things. He said I'm an inspiration. He also said that the chemo was tested on my tumour and should work, as my onc said. So I'm a little more hopeful than I was. And his kind words were a boost. He's my angel. He's the one that pushed to get the colonoscopy moved up when the other guys thought it was fine and cancer wasn't a concern.
My husband walked in on me on my knees last night praying. I hope that inspires him, too.
Jan
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Your onco is right
...and remember, its not yet over until its over. Keep the fight! We can do this. Prove the doubters wrong, cancer won't win this time.
My prayers for you and to everyone on this board.
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Your acts of faithful prayingJanJan63 said:Thank you EissetB! I just got
Thank you EissetB! I just got home from my family doctor and he said he's never in 36 years of practice seen anyone with such a positive attitude and as tough as me. He said anyone else would be dragging themselves around and lying in bed. He told my husband "she's tough, tough, tough as nails!" He said he wouldn't be surprised if the chemo worked and I'm back to feeling a lot better. He said that he's never seen anyone have so many hits against them yet be so enrgetic and doing things. He said I'm an inspiration. He also said that the chemo was tested on my tumour and should work, as my onc said. So I'm a little more hopeful than I was. And his kind words were a boost. He's my angel. He's the one that pushed to get the colonoscopy moved up when the other guys thought it was fine and cancer wasn't a concern.
My husband walked in on me on my knees last night praying. I hope that inspires him, too.
Jan
Your acts of faithful praying may be just the nudge your husband needs. Keep up the positive spirit.
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hugs
sending you big hugs!!!!
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