struggling

  I understand some of it.  It's a tough thing to go through and sometimes we think it would be easier to be on the other side of the bed.....

Everything you said is normal.  Trust me when I say I have personally been down this road and continue down this road today.  Living with an angry spouse is a struggle.

Its hard for me to give good advice because I dont always live by the advice I give.  If you go to Church (which I do), the Church says to look to the future and not to the past.  The Church says to forgive. And its easy to forgive. I can forgive and Im sure you can forgive your wife's anger and nasty comments as well.  But its hard to live with someone who you know is going to exhibit really bad behavior in the future and your just waiting for the bad behavior to reappear.  And no matter what you do, you know the bad behavior is coming and you wait and endure.

Here is what I learned on this journey:

1. Get a good night sleep, exercise and eat healthy.   You, the caregiver, are running a marathon. My wife gets angry all the time. If I stay rested and fit, I can ignore the anger.  I honestly feel like Im training for a marathon every day.

2. Take breaks.  When you take your child to school in the morning, take yourself out for breakfast or lunch or anything.  You earned a break.  Take every opportunity you can to clear your head out and relax and find peace. I joined a gym and bring my kids and its great.  I take my kids to the park and let them play and run around and I just sit there and relax (it also gets me out of the house and away from my wife).

3. Vent whenever you can to others.  Or at least talk to others.  Talking is good.  You can vent on this site as much as you like.  If you have "extremely supportive" family and friends, then thats great.  Talk to them and hopefully they can spend time with your wife.

I have struggled with my wife for years.  Before every going to a clinic, she was angry and isolated herself.  She should have went to a clinic 5 years before she actually did. When she went through chemotherapy, she lived in an apartment and there was peace and it lasted 1-year.  Its been a year since chemotherapy and she lives with me and its awful.  I know what your going through.  I run this marathon every as well.

My boyfriend is so darnned sick, and the doctors say this is normal. I just want to scream "This is not normal"!! He flew through treatment like a champ, then as each week went by he got weaker and sicker and sicker, now, we are 9 weeks post 7 weeks chemo/rad and he is dieing right before my eyes, he has been in bed for 3 weeks, his labs they say are ok, I call all of his many doctors, and am so flipping frustrated that I hate all doctors. My gawd, I am screaming something is just so not right, he has throat cancer, can't eat, swallow, his throat rope is so bad he spits a smelly phlem that I can't even sleep in the same bed. I wonder if the smell is of him dieing. His breathing is so labored, it sounds asthmatic, and I lay awake at night listening to him breathe. He had PET a few days ago, the results were that they didn't see cancer, but the damage in his throat was so severe they couldn't rule it out, scope result was the same report, today he drank the chalk and they said "how are you even swollowing?' He goes in for biopsy in a.m. and they are preparing us for tracheotomy.  My family is gently preparing me to prepare for the worst. It sounds like the radiation is killing him, seems to be the gift that keeps on giving..and it is so not pretty, I try so hard to stay positive, he is snotty and rude and tonight I blurted out that my quality of life was as bad as his, and feel just horrible that even came out of my mouth. How do I ever not pop off and remember this is just not about me, that he needs me to be strong and this very well could be his end

Noellesmom said:

Husband was stAge 4a seven years ago

And is still with me.

We should email, ceejay.

7 years at stage 4!!!

Dear Caregivers.

I would like to personally thank you for devoting and sacrificing your ALL to us patients.

I've experienced it. My heart and soul has been so overwhelmed by the graciousness of my caregiver husbund, I am forever humbled. 

Rob,

My heart goes out to you and your entire family during this struggle. A cancer diagnosis often results in two very different reactions - it either brings everyone closer together or can cause an emotional withdrawal and distance. Your wife may be very scared and may be experiencing anticipatory grief for the loss of her prior way of life.  Both of these can be expressed as anger. Unfortunately it is expressed as anger towards the ones who love her the most. Cancer patients will also distance themselves in order to not feel the pain of losing the ones they love the most. As if disconnecting their love relationships will allow them to feel numb and they can avoid facing the awful emotions that are brewing and stirring in their hearts.

Most cancer treatment centers have Social Workers and/or Chaplains who will be able to refer the family to counseling services.  I do not personally know anybody or anyone who was prepared in life to deal with what cancer can bring to their lives and family counseling can help open communication and open hearts to the truth that anger is mostly fear of the unknown. It can also allow this experience to be shared among the family.  Everyone in the family is afraid and fearful; everyone is a little angry; and everyone is grieving for the lost normalcy of the way life used to be. Perhaps letting your wife know she is not alone in her fear and grief.

Wishes for love and peace to you,

AnnaLeigh 

I was searching the net for an answer and found this post - Not quite the answer I was looking for but its good to know that this is "normal."  Not sure if Normal is the word - but I'll take it. 

I thought I was being punished, with the path that was laid infront of me but I know its my wife that's having to go through cancer.  Its a daily strugle.  Last one to bed, first one out...  A year and half now since my wife's last chemo.  Everyday I wake up, I feel like a robot. Usual stuff, I just do what I have always done.  Clean the house, make meals for everyone, take care of the kids, work, and all else.  Struggle to pay the medical cost, cost of living, work 18 hour days - and keeping the kids happy.   I can't get my wife to exercise or eat healthy - she just continues to take pills, and sit there.

Haven't shed a tear in years, but as I'm typing this - its trying, I just don't think it works anymore.

I'm tired and alone.  The word alone has more meaning to me now.

I just keep telling myself, keep going and stay afloat until the kids are in college or at least if one of them turns 18.

I love my wife, and will continue to do anything for her.

She says she loves me - but I feel alone.

I don't really have a question. I just want to get this off my chest.

Off to make lunch for everyone I go.

Kind of alone when you are with someone but still alone.

Hugs.

ssuand1 said:

This is hard

My husband is stage 4.  But he is really difficult in the car..leans over checks speeds,yells about lanes Im a nervous wreck by the time we get to appts.  But at home hes fine 95% of the time.  i try to e paient but not always easy.  I founEd the isolation is hardest for me.  Going to store is my only time out of the house now. All family is overseas so IM the only caregiver.  Each caregiver is dealing with issues and we just have to vent even if just on here. lol

sue

If you had a 7 year old who was screaming, yelling, finding fault, leaning over you as you were driving, what would you do? You'd let the kiddo know, before you ever got the car in gear (or perhaps over dinner at home) that their behavior isn't helpful and that you find it distracting. Then you'd let them know how you expect them to act in the car in the future, ask for their much-appreciated cooperation, then negotiate how you'll correct any not-helpful behavior in the future (i.e. mention it... they say they will self-correct... you mention what you will do if they continue their not-helpful behavior...). 

I never needed to do this with my spouse, but with my father?! Gracious!!! He used to rant at other drivers, yelling slurs and profanity in multiple languages. I fully expected a recipient of his ire would one day drag me out of my car at a stop light and beat me up (or worse) to teach me some manners. It was terrifying, and I totally get the nervous wreck thing even though it was coming in a different direction. 

So, after Dad and I calmly (more or less) had our chat, the next time we were out driving he started in on another driver. My car didn't have A/C, so windows were open and even people on the sidewalk heard him and were looking our way. I reminded him of our chat and asked him to stop. That was step one. He continued. Step two? I pulled over to the curb, parked the car, and told him to Please Get Out. He didn't, so I walked around to his door, opened it, and repeated my request.  By the time he realized I was totally serious, I was at step four or five and almost using my playground voice, saying, "Get out of my car NOW. I will not have you yelling profanity and insults at others when you are riding in my car. You promised to be respectful of others but just now you're angry and disrespectful again." He was physically disabled, so I'm sure people thought I was an absolute horrible person (we had an audience of people in the fast food restaurant and also at the bus stop). If he'd gotten out of the car, I'd have made sure he had money for coffee and the bus (and probably would've just driven around the block). But he didn't get out, was remorseful, apologized, and amazingly when riding with me never again acted as though he'd been raised by coyotes - over twenty years of mostly pleasant rides together in the car. Who knew?

I realize it's different when dealing with one's spouse. Unless they disown you, parents are pretty much stuck with you. Spouses, not so much. There are always friends, the American Cancer Society's volunteer drivers, and healthcare shuttles that get people to and from appointments and treatments. There is no reason for you to have to put up with disrespect, not to mention distracted driving is dangerous. 

Hang in there!

ssuand1 said:

This is hard

My husband is stage 4.  But he is really difficult in the car..leans over checks speeds,yells about lanes Im a nervous wreck by the time we get to appts.  But at home hes fine 95% of the time.  i try to e paient but not always easy.  I founEd the isolation is hardest for me.  Going to store is my only time out of the house now. All family is overseas so IM the only caregiver.  Each caregiver is dealing with issues and we just have to vent even if just on here. lol

sue

Sue, I'm sorry you are going through the same things I am.  I have no answers, but I feel a kinship with you. Let me know how you're doing.  We can compare notes.

Cari