Depression

This is the fourth time I've had surgery (this time I got an ovarian tumor in my right lung) and the fourth time for losing my hair through chemo. I also have bad knees and need both replaced. I am on constant pain with these thoughI have a scrip for painkillers --I can't take NSAID's, like many people. The surgery scars still hurt badly--though the surgery was at the beginning of February.  My doctor says there are a lot of nerves in the rib/thoracic area and it may be a full year before I can wear a bra again.  In addition I have edema in my left left and am on a diuretic. Also a blood thinner because after botched knee surgery last December I got multiple blood clots again -- I have a history of these though I don't have the gene which means only that this gene I carry just hasn't been identified yet.  Also my CA 125 is not a reliable indicator for me. I've basically been on bedrest since last December with my knees and I've gained a huge aount of weight which isn't really a vanity issue but 'wardrobe economics' since I need new clothese.

I was doing OK until last Saturday morning--I was cheerful and positive-- when I suddenly had a meltdown in the kitchen and burst into tears. Luckily my husband is sympathetic.  

But then Sunday evening watching tv I had my back to him and heald an end table fall over and a big noise --  he had too much to drink and fell on the floor and couldn't get up. He was crying and saying "I want you back, I miss you, I'm afraid you're going to die and I can't live without you." And this went on for about an hour. I lay down on the carpet with him and held him and let him cry.  I had to help him get up.  

He has his own problems, he is getting Lupron for advanced prostate cancer, but the Lupron is working, which is good, his PSA is way down.  However the Lupron is basically female hormones, and its as if he's going through menopause.  It makes him emotionally volatile, up and down, irritable at times, etc.  So I think the Lupron contributed to Sunday's event.

But somehow this was the last straw. I rrealise I am tryig to act like I feel OK when I feel ill, and its just too much.  Now I feel weepy all the time, and I go to the bathroom and cry. I feel I can't cope, but I don't have any choice. I'm geting phobic about needles. Going for chemo yesterday I had to take a tranquiliser, I just couldn't bear it.  And I have chemo through September 22. 

So I just wanted to vent.