I want to do the right thing

Being a caregiver is so difficult.  I am the caregiver for my husband who has SCC on his tongue.  He is almost 15 weeks post radiation.  While my husband does not get on this site, I do.  I have found it filled with wonderful suggestions and lots of inspiration.  Maybe it would be good for your wife to join?  People are wonderful, and I find myself coming here almost every day.  I get on the Head and Neck Cancer section mostly.

Just knowing there are others in the same boat as your wife might help her a bit (as well as the wealth of other information on here).

Best of luck.  Sounds like you are doing everything you can.  Sometimes just being there to listen is all we can do.  

Sounds as though you're on the right path, looking to figure out what works as well as what doesn't. 

Men tend to go for the details and doing stuff, women for the emotions and wanting to talk about it (And of course in saying that, we are all exceptions to at least some rules and/or patterns, YMMV and all that). 

That you want to do what's helpful is great. Someone who'll listen, not try to "fix" things, follow up with a hug PRN is a wonderful gift. I'm not sure distractions are always helpful (the sink backing up, the dog getting into the chicken bones in the trash, the car not starting), but events and things that add beauty, love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, and goodness to life are a great way to be reminded that we ARE still living life even when it's not always under the best of circumstances.

Keep us posted as you're able. 

rsp said:

Ideas?

My husband never really wanted to talk about treatment.  So, I tried to respect that and only "added" to the conversation when he brought it up.  In the beginning of treatment, he liked to spend time alone in the recliner, so I let him go.  

He had a few breakdowns, and like your wife, didn't seem to want to hear what I had to say, so I learned to sit next to him and silently listen.  It was very frustrating for me because I am a talker! 

It frustrated me that he was not interested to get on this site (even after I read him several entries that were related to what he was going through).  So, I learned to do things that were helpful to me in this process.  Like I said, I get on just about every night.

I have been pleading with my husband to get on an anti depressant, but he said he didn't need one.  Well, at the last dr. visit I mentioned it to the dr. and my husband was silent.  He didn't refuse, so I think we are making proress.  The dr. put him on 4 new medications, so we are going to revisit the antidepressant at the next visit.  Maybe you can bring this idea up to the dr. (You might have to do it without your wife there as she may get angry at you.)

I have two grown daughters, and they seem to be able to get through to my husband better than I can.  So, if you have someone like that in your life (a friend, sibling, etc.) they might be helpful when it comes to talking to your wife.

I don't know if any of this can be used with your wife, but please know there are other caregivers going through the same things.  This is a great place to vent.

Have a good week.

RSP,  you have some great points. 

I was a caregiver for my mother, then my father, finally my spouse. Mother was angry, seeking control, worked with medical care team and HIPAA to limit my knowledge (Although, if her oncologist had been willing to tell her she needed to keep me in the loop, she probably would've); father was depressed / withdrawn, refusing treatment and food until he was put on hospice, at which point he perked up and rallied; spouse was depressed and not wanting to bother anyone.

I didn't know about this site at the time. My mother would've been on it if she'd found it first. Father was terrified of computers (he refused to use the book search catalog at the library because he knew he'd somehow erase all the library's data bases with a wrong keystroke), besides he pretty much went with the theory of the less you know the better. Spouse was very up on computers but not so much on medical stuff, so might have used it.  I sure as heck would've been on this site! 

BTW, my father spent a great deal of time sitting clutching a blanket over his head. Couldn't get him to let loose of it. One day I did what should've been obvious and asked, "Why the blanket?" His muffled reply, "It's a b*ll sh*t protector." "No kidding! You really need that?" "Oh, if you only knew." We did manage to convince him that the dog also served a similar purpose. There are days when each of us needs one. I know I do. This site is my current BS protector, along with naps, TV, reading, grocery shopping, and walking the dog being secondary ones. 

Oh, and for getting through to them? With my mom, it was one of my cousins. With my dad, it was the dog, although her communication abilities were a tad lacking when it came to specifics. With my spouse, it was nurses and PAs. 

Being there for our loved ones in ways that nurture both them and us is tough. All the best -- !