dying from cancer

your thoughts, Fox. Your comments have always helped me pushed me to think of the positive side of things, I am grateful for you. I am a newbie here but I hope that my posts can help others here like yours, Mark's and Footstompers have helped so many.

Fox Hang in there!!!!!  I can't imagine what you are going through but realize unless a cure is found, then that is in my future.

All my experience with cancer has been Lung cancer, my father, mother, brother four uncles and two first cousins.  All diagnosed with stage 4 Lung and not one had a good day till thew day they died within one year of diagnosis.

When I was diagnosed with stage 4 RCC I wasn't going to do anything. I was aware of the five year mortaality rates which sounded just like my families Lung Cancer stats.

I did the IL2 which didnt work but have been on Sutent for two years now.  It is not all rosey but I have had some good times with the bad.  I had recent setback with a liver procedure to kill five big tumors.  It worked but some coomplications has whipped me down for the past three months; been a shutin.  I am looking for the light when I gett some more good times. I have been riding my motorcycle when I can and living my bucket list.

Fox, hang in there!

So happy your bloodwork came back excellent and I agree with everything hitting you at once, even the strongest of people get down at times. You can't be human if you don't get a little depressed here an there. The huge thing is that you pull yourself out of it and see what you have to live for today! Sounds to me like you have a lot to live for today and yes it may be with cancer but not a lot of people living with cancer are actually living! I am new to this site but you are by far one of the most vocal and have commented on almost all my posts and helped me get thru a bad moment. I feel in my heart you have a lot of years left! Thanks for all your words of wisdom to everyone on this forum. 

Hi, I just read Your post about your NDE'S. Were you scared? Was it spiritual at all? Do you believe there is something after death? I think about these things sometimes and it scares me. My Doctor said I have 2-3 years probably and I've passed the 1 year point. After reading stories here and on smart patients I think I can do better than 2-3 years. People like you and others have been through a lot worse than me. You are still around to talk about it and to find hope, so I'm not that fatalistic anymore. But I know it will come eventually. Who knows when or even how.

Tracy

to share my experience.  It wasn't related to kidney cancer but I assume it is as good as any near death experience.  The gentlemen are warned that there is some "girl" stuff in this post.

After giving birth to my last child, I started to hemorrhage quite badly.  I was losing blood very quickly and, as odd as it sounds, I could feel the life leaving my body.  I wouldn't say that I was floating, but somehow knew what everyone was doing in the room.  I could see the nurses running around behind me, even though there was no possible way that I could see them from where I was lying in the bed.  I recognize the feeling that Fox spoke of about feeling paralyzed.  But it wasn't scary at all in my case.  It was, and I know this sounds weird but it was as if moving my body parts had been a job that I was doing throughout my life, like that part of my job was done and it felt good because I was moving in a way that was so free that it made my body feel like a confinement of sorts.  I felt so at peace, like I was wrapped in the most warm, comfortable blanket you could ever imagine.

Then I thought of that baby lying a few feet away and the 2 year old one at home and knew that I had to come back for them.  They needed me.  But, honestly, I wanted to stay in that feeling a while longer.  I knew I was going back to a body that experienced pain and fear.  And where I was at, there was none of that.

I am definitely not trying to sound like I have all the answers or even any answers at all about what comes next.  But I no longer fear death, just the unknown path that takes me there.

We're all vapors. Life looks different to me, now that I joined this club. I don't want to die, but I like to think I'll be ready to go when it's time. Whether it's 2 or 20 years. I'm wearing this old body out until there's nothing left. I see on TV, there's some medicene promising you'll "live years longer" by taking whatever it is. I don't want years longer. I want everyday that I'm supposed to have. Nothing more, nothing less.

sandy23 said:

Not Sure if I'm Allowed

to share my experience.  It wasn't related to kidney cancer but I assume it is as good as any near death experience.  The gentlemen are warned that there is some "girl" stuff in this post.

After giving birth to my last child, I started to hemorrhage quite badly.  I was losing blood very quickly and, as odd as it sounds, I could feel the life leaving my body.  I wouldn't say that I was floating, but somehow knew what everyone was doing in the room.  I could see the nurses running around behind me, even though there was no possible way that I could see them from where I was lying in the bed.  I recognize the feeling that Fox spoke of about feeling paralyzed.  But it wasn't scary at all in my case.  It was, and I know this sounds weird but it was as if moving my body parts had been a job that I was doing throughout my life, like that part of my job was done and it felt good because I was moving in a way that was so free that it made my body feel like a confinement of sorts.  I felt so at peace, like I was wrapped in the most warm, comfortable blanket you could ever imagine.

Then I thought of that baby lying a few feet away and the 2 year old one at home and knew that I had to come back for them.  They needed me.  But, honestly, I wanted to stay in that feeling a while longer.  I knew I was going back to a body that experienced pain and fear.  And where I was at, there was none of that.

I am definitely not trying to sound like I have all the answers or even any answers at all about what comes next.  But I no longer fear death, just the unknown path that takes me there.

Hi Sandy,

To me your experience is better because I know you, however distantly. It is worth more to me than anything I read in a book. Thank you for sharing it. :-)

And thanks to you too, Fox.

Steve.

I wasn't around for less than a month and now I see that we've lost both Mark and Foots. Can't believe it. so hard to take the news, Fox ,you're the one who always cheers others up. Now it's time that let us cheer you up. You're our beloved Fox and we'll be with you all the way wishing you best. keep in mind that every one in this forum loves you and I personally have learned how to live with cancer by your positive attitue. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us

Forough

foxhd said:

few more thoughts

When our members pass on I relive their last moments. The process of letting go is natural. Exhale, relax, and go. No yelling, screaming or kicking. Nothing to feel but the force pulling your birth certificate. Quite different than the experience of sudden death from trauma or acute injury.  No life flashing before your eyes. At the end it just feels right to expire. Nothing like hitting a deer on a Harley.

I think I'm spiritual. I live as a christian but I'm not religious. Karma on the other hand is something that I strongly believe in. I think that gives me another advantage. 

If ashes to ashes and dust to dust is all there is. I'd rather stay here. I think a strong belief in God and heaven takes away some peoples resistence to dying. I don't buy into "They are in a better place now". It is here or nowhere. There was never anything besides the dwindling light I focused on. No people from my past to welcome me. No angels. No spiritual experience what so ever. So I don't want to enter that black hole. I'll stay here thank you.

Being afraid is guaranteed. The process leading up to the moment before it is becomes irreversible is frightening. The point of no return is different.  Nothing but peace and relaxation. (or was it paralysis?). It was so much like  a child or puppy unable to keep themselves awake when fatique hits. I know that for me, I just was not ready. I have things to do and people to see. Maybe I even screwed up karma a bit because I've a few chapters to write before completing the last page that is already written. It's my good fortune that my death was written in pencil and not dated and notorized.

 

Fox, this is a beautiful practice. It's one I definitely think I'll look to incorporating into my own spiritual practices. Thank you.

I've often done breath meditations, sitting with someone who's ill or dying, matching my breathing to theirs, but I've always been right there with them.  It can get pretty tricky with someone who's near death, because... they're not breathing very often, but I do what I can.  When I've been with those who were struggling, restless, and/or in pain, I've tried the zen meditation where my breathing is opposite to their breathing, being open to taking in their pain and fear on the inhale, exhaling and exchanging it only for peace... but ARGH. This is a really tough one for me to do for an extended period of time, and I always seem to end up reverting to matching their breathing with relaxing breaths. I'm not sure if that ends up helping them -- or me -- more... probably the latter, but I hope there's something in it for them (Yes, I know this is a "tough" meditation to tackle).

I've had a couple of not-done-for-yet medical episodes. One involved an epi-pen (among other things). At the beginning, I was keenly aware of how cold and hard the tile floor was beneath me. Then I wasn't, but like you mentioned, I was ever so much at peace and it felt so right and comfy to just go ahead and fall asleep.  I didn't see any tunnel, but it was dark (until it started to get a wee bit lighter, almost like just before dawn). Then I started my re-entry and heard the doctor say, "I am so disappointed we didn't think to video this," which was pretty funny (even if I was still far from the laughing stage).

I've been thinking about this alot. I've been thinking about how hard it must be watching members drop one by one. I understand how hard it must be for the members that have been here longer. I've only been here a short time, maybe a couple months. I found this group post surgery. Everything that is said means alot. I see new members coming in scared and rermeber how scary it was for me. I read posts from older membrs talking about everything they have been through. And thats where this is coming from. At first, I hoped a had a couple years left, thats all I could see. After all, cancer is a death sentence, isn't it? Then I see people like fox and jan and other members, living with this disease. It gives me hope. I know the pain probably makes you want to leave. I hope you don't. For myself and every new member that comes in here scared. We need to hear from you and all the survivors. We need to see what is possible, not probable. We need to think that maybe we have years left too. Thank you for being there.