So tired and feeling bad for feeling that way....

betula
betula Member Posts: 86
in Caregivers #1

Hello,

I am turning 51 tomorrow and my husband is 47.  We have a 14 yr old and an 11 yr old.  My husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer on December 12th.  He just finished chemo and radiation and will have surgery around April 26th and then four more months of chemo (pump 2 days a week).  Doctor's anticipate him to be "cured" when this is all over but may have to have a permanent colostomy.  I work full time and my husband is a firefighter. 

With him being a firefighter, I have dealt with his work schedule (24 hours on, 48 off), his crankiness due to sleep deprivation, not being home on holidays, birthdays, kids sports events, etc.  I am a pretty independant person and understand this schedule.  I have also been there to keep everything together after numerous back surgeries, (two fusion surgeries) due to injuries.  I have dealt with his chronic pain from these back issues which also impact his mood and ability to be active with the kids and me. 

Now, cancer.  I am tired.  I am tired of keeping everything and everyone together.  I am tired of being the strong one.  I don't know what the future holds in terms of his employment and thus our income.  I know that should be the last thing on my mind but this is also very impactful. 

I feel bad that I look forward to him going to work (working 'light duty", desk type of stuff) so that I don't have to see him looking and feeling terrible while I am trying to keep it together as I have done for years.  Our daughter was 1 1/2 when he had his first back surgery. 

I realize that I sound like the most selfish person in the world and I am sorry for that.  I do the best I can but I am struggling with being able to be a positive support for him when I feel sort of resentful.  While I have supportive friends and co-workers I still feel very alone with all of this. 

I appreciate getting this off my chest in an anonymous sort of way.

Thank you

 

 

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
    First of all

    However a caregiver feels at any given moment, it is justified.

    You don't mention what kind of support you have from family and friends. Even if it is intermittent help, please take advantage of it.

    I also see no mention of 'me' time. Please find a way to schedule that in.

    This is hard, hard work. The uncertainty of the type of future you can anticipate is an exhausting stress.

    I know the best laid plans can be blown out of the water by an appointment or unexpected bill, a sick child or a fever of your own.

    You are not alone. Caregivers learn to be flexible reeds, not mighty oaks. We bend not break. We are flexible. We have to be.

    You need a break and I hope you find a way to get one. Causes me back and let us hear from you.

    Hugs.

     

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    #3
    Betula

    Sorry you have reasons to be here, but glad you found us. This is a good site. 

    As for sounding like the "most selfish" person in the world? Nope. Sorry. Not even close. You sound like a woman who's a mom, a wife, a full-time employee, a caregiver, ...overwhelmed and exhausted. 

    Today being your birthday, I hope you can do something that's healing for you. Even if it's doing a grocery run and buying some lip gloss and the "good kind" of facial tissues (I'm kinda partial to Puffs, even the non-lotion ones are great). Life is challenging enough without feeling as though you've just sandblasted your nose and eyes. 

    Finding a way to get family, friends, and / or folks from the firehouse, etc to come over and hang out with your hubby on a regular basis so you can get out of the house and do something for you can make a big difference. Going to work doesn't really count for getting out of the house unless you've got some kind of job I've never heard of. Good things like going for coffee with a friend, riding your bike, taking a yoga or other fitness class, singing in a choir, going to the library, watching a movie, walking around the park, that sort of thing. 

    May you be your own best friend today and throughout the coming year. That's probably the best thing any of us can do and be for ourselves as caregivers (and human beings). 

    Hugs,

    Jerzy

  • betula
    betula Member Posts: 86
    #4
    Thank you

    Jerzy and Noellesmom,

    Thank you so much for non-judgemental replies.  I am feeling better today.  My husband and I had a long talk.  He tends to withdraw in times of stress which causes me to withdraw and the lack of communication this causes is not good. 

    We do have good support from family, friends and co-workers.  Really what we need is someone to take all the worries away and I don't think that can happen :)

    Thank you again and I am sure I will be back!

    Betula

     

  • Johnstos
    Johnstos Member Posts: 1
    #5
    JerzyGrrl said:

    Betula

    Sorry you have reasons to be here, but glad you found us. This is a good site. 

    As for sounding like the "most selfish" person in the world? Nope. Sorry. Not even close. You sound like a woman who's a mom, a wife, a full-time employee, a caregiver, ...overwhelmed and exhausted. 

    Today being your birthday, I hope you can do something that's healing for you. Even if it's doing a grocery run and buying some lip gloss and the "good kind" of facial tissues (I'm kinda partial to Puffs, even the non-lotion ones are great). Life is challenging enough without feeling as though you've just sandblasted your nose and eyes. 

    Finding a way to get family, friends, and / or folks from the firehouse, etc to come over and hang out with your hubby on a regular basis so you can get out of the house and do something for you can make a big difference. Going to work doesn't really count for getting out of the house unless you've got some kind of job I've never heard of. Good things like going for coffee with a friend, riding your bike, taking a yoga or other fitness class, singing in a choir, going to the library, watching a movie, walking around the park, that sort of thing. 

    May you be your own best friend today and throughout the coming year. That's probably the best thing any of us can do and be for ourselves as caregivers (and human beings). 

    Hugs,

    Jerzy

    Dear Jerzy,

    Dear Jerzy,

    I just joined this site yesterday.  Mr. husband was diagnosed last July with stage 3 lung cancer.  I/we have tremendous support from family/friends and I know how lucky we are to have them.  Too many people have to go it alone.  I wanted to let you know that your response to Betula hit home with me and made me smile.  I can't count the amount of times I've gone to the grocery store to "shop".  It's amazing what a few minute away buying lip gloss and good tissues can do for a person!

    Thank you,

    Sandy

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