The Problem with Family (Feeling Betrayed)

Ktmg said:

Gave it some thought

Donna. I thought about what you wrote a lot. You may be right about the not gossiping, but it's just I was raised to believe that talking abouut people when they arent there to defend themselves is wrong. Maybe that's why I'm so upset with my mom. It feels hypocritcal, and if I did that now (as an adult) to someone else, she would be giving me an earful. She outright admitted that she has different standards for different people and "expects better from me". So in her mind I have to be better, but I shoudn't expect the same from others in return. Its frustrating.  

How would I have wanted them to answer? I've come up with some options. I'm going from meanest to nicest here, so bear with the beginning of the list. I know not everyone is blunt.

1. You really should forget about the things you hear on the camera if they're not to do with dad.

2. Jim, if you were meant to know that, you would have been told it. You know how private Kate is, when she's ready, she'll start talking to people about it. Right now shes just not there.

3. I appreciate your concern, but you really should talk to Kate directly.

4. Hey look, a platypus (then run away) - sorry. I cope with humor.

 

 

And love the world of "do as I say, not as I do".....NOT!  But in the end Kate, that's their problem.  All you can do is try to be the best you.  It's a really difficult thing to push past family.....because they are related, but sometimes those very people are the most toxic and remove yourself you must, in the name of survival.  I also know about this firsthand. 

I'm so sorry about your cousin too.  How horrible that she is viewed as a liar.  God help them if they ever should be faced with walking a mile in her shoes.  Time to take pity on the bunch and most importantly, start taking care of you.  That future of yours has changed, one way or the other.  It's your decision solely as to keep their involvement, or not, but at least now you have some clarity in regards to their trustworthiness or lack of the same.

Donna~

After being Dx about 3 weeks ago, I finally got the courage to becime a member here. ive been reading the forum for hours now. Finally I laughed! Your platypus option literally brought me out of my shell! Thank you!! 

Annnd as a token of my graditude, here is my two cents: we can't change others. We can only change how we react to them. protect that hilarious humor of yours! ignore those who upset you or better yet practice your snarky one-liners on them. But be true and kind to yourself and to those who lift you up.

I also didn't tell the news to any of my family members or extended family. I had a 10 cm tumor 2.8 years ago and I'm NED since the surgery.i was 36 and didn't want to share the news but for a different reason. As my mom's only child i didn't want to give her the C news, my dad passed away at young age and my mom has spent years raising me up so I didn't want to make her frightened. And just because i haven't told my mom i dicided not to tell any other members so my mom won't feel betrayed. I told my hubby and he agreed to keep my secret. I was depressed for over seven months,during this period my father in low came to visit us, I wasn't a happy dancing telling joke laughing daughter in low any more, I spent hours on my bedroom taking day nap, crying and feeling sorry to myself so although i did my best to behave I wasn't very successful. So my father in law got worried and asked my hubby, and guess what? He told his father the C story,  no one told me anything for so long, but after I talked with a therapist and felt emotionally stronger my hubby told me the news, I felt betrayed, I couldn't stop crying, he kept apologizing me but I couldn't forgive him, the main reason was that my own momy didn't know about such big issue but someone else knew it. By the way after a night of being furious I calmed down and could see other side of the story.

I had one very close girl friend whom emotionally helped me tremendously, we talked, we cried,, we hugged, we laughed and this close friendship helped me a lot but my hubby had no one to talk to, to lean on, to open up with, and if necessary to cry with, he was supposed to be strong care giver who had 100 percent trust in my successful surgery, but he was a young man who had never imagined himself in such a difficult situation at that age. He needed someone to talk to, to ask for help, needed a shoulder to lean on. Once I looked at his action from this perspective I wasn't angry anymore. I understood we are humans and being a human means having weakness, I had my own weakness, I wasn't brave enough to face my sickness, Everytime I want to talk about my sickness I refuse to say Cancer, so how could I expect all others around me including my hubby to have no weakness and to make no mistake. We were both shocked and each one of us responded in our own way. Now that I look back, I see a man dong his own best to help me and himself with love and compassion. All I'm trying to say is that you might look at things with a different perspective after a while too.so let time heals your body and your soul, meanwhile it's good not to be under a lot of stress, pressure kills your immune system, don't let it happen, help your immune system to be strong, it needs to be strong to be able to protect you.

Forough