How do you create intimacy

thedisgustingcancer
thedisgustingcancer Member Posts: 8
in Caregivers #1

I am trying so hard to live a somewhat normal life with my husband with a trach with him in so much pain all the time. I try to rub his back or his legs and feet and he seems to resist every attempt of affection towards him. I have no idea what role to play anymore. I try to be a caregiver and he rejects me and says he can do everything himself. I try to be loving and he rejects my love I hug him he says it hurts to touch him. I am so lost in this relationship I get so much resentment projected at me for everything. Maybe he does resent me for the fact that I am healthy and he is struggling to live, and breath. I dont know what to do I love him but find myself resenting him as well. He chose to smoke and smoke and even though I encouraged him to quit he still felt he had to continue to smoke. Even after the doctor said you have cancer he smoked and when he had a hole in his throat he smoked. I want him to fight to live not die. 

His temper is so bad that he tried to beat someone up that he felt was driving like a ****. Here I have a husband that just went through surgery has a trach hanging out of his throat and he is putting energy into so much negative. I tried to sit him down and explain that cancer is not something you feed more negative energy to and he just gets mad. He says to me that his anger is what got him where he is at in life and that is how he will fight is with anger. 

Back story my husband got into a horrible car accident when he was 20 and this was an accident that took his life 3 times on the way to the hospital. He had his entire right arm taken off and reattached. He believes that while healing he used his anger to make it through so that is why he truly believes anger will pull him through this one. 

I feel I am so selfish because I know he is struggling and all I think about is what about us as a couple what about our baby what about or marriage. I am not sure where to go what to do or who to vent to anymore. Am I the only POS in this world who thinks like this? 

Comments

  • rlr000dc
    rlr000dc Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2017 #2
    It seems they blame smoking

    It seems they blame smoking on everything however i had a friend who died of lung cancer and had never smoked! I can relate to some of what you are going through. i just am getting over cancer and its like my nerves are close to the skin. I do not like to be touched at all. Then theres the emotional side thats a mess. I get angry alot because i never was one to cry. (cried alot since) I am aware of it so i take nerve pills but i also know that its the way i think of things that will make a difference. (working on that). It sounds like you are in need of intimacy. Even lots of hugs and kisses will help from family and friends. Take them!

    If he says he is fine let him be. Im sure you were his caretaker and are worried to death maybe you are still in that mode? Change rolls. let him find a way to be there for you in his own time. He will come back to you. Dont fuss over him as to it gets old being asked are you ok? how do you feel today? Some days i dont want to feel. I just want to forget. And knowing this has changed his appearance will take a minute to get over. He can feel your dissapointment about not smoking but please let it go!

     

  • thedisgustingcancer
    thedisgustingcancer Member Posts: 8
    #3
    Thank you for your feedback

    Thank you for your feedback maybe I am taking things so personal. Maybe I just want to be happy about our baby and all I am seeing is misery. Maybe because I need my peace I find myself resenting the cancer and I keep blaming him. I dont know but communication is not on the front line anymore there is no talking anymore. I keep refreshing my energy and I think today is the day I will have a break through and we will connect on a intimate level again and he will look forward to living again. Today he said that everyday he feels like putting a bullet in his brain anymore this made me so sad. I love him and need him!! 

  • rlr000dc
    rlr000dc Member Posts: 51
    edited February 2017 #4
    He is

    he is really having a hard time. I hate this but you may need to ask him if he is suicidal and if he has a plan? but be ready for the truth. When i had this moment i was very sick, 3 pints of blood low. if i could have gotten myself to the car to end it i would have. I dont want to hurt you by this. It would be nice if he would go to the doctor and get vitals checked out. meds for pain or anxiety? (if its not physical) he is hurting and pulling away on purpose. (get you used to him not being there) if he is angry it would be easier to do something to himself. possibly: "honey I know you are hurting and worry that you will be leaving me and our daughter behind if something happens to you. Dont worry about us but maybe lets get you to the doctor to check your blood pressure or get some anxiety medicine. I want you to feel better it hurts me to see you so upset and pulling away?"

    What do you think? Im sorry if I said to much. Be thinking of you all.

    rlr

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