Modus Vivendi

Footstomper
Footstomper Member Posts: 1,237 Member
edited January 2017 in Kidney Cancer #1

I've nearly died (I think) three times. We dont need the details. But trust me: there is a point

My family come from the East End of London or "The Target" as it was known by Hitler's Luftwaffe (airforce). My mum was 14 when the war started and 15 when the the real bombing started in what was called 'The Blitz'.

One thing that never makes the movies is that everyone who was not able to be in uniform, had to do 'Firewatching'. This entailed standing on a rooftop during the raid(!) with a wind up telephone and calling in where the bombs were dropping around you so the firebrigade could get there if there was something worth saving. Everybody had to do it, even 14 year old girls like my mum.

When the raid ended people would go and try and find their neighbours in the wreckage of their homes. Bombs are unpredicatable sometimes they explode as you would expect, others explode in unexpected ways: this was of the latter type. The Floor had gone, but the cups and saucers draining in the sink had not been touched. The wallpaper was intact, so was a daily calender, which had been turned to the next days date.

My 15 y.o. mum was furious. A fury she carried with her 'til the day she died. These people had brought out their own demise. YOU CANNOT ASSUME YOU WILL BE ALIVE IN THE MORNING. Its just greedy I understand that now, I think.

I have often been told, perhaps I have often said that, with the cancer diagnosis I have one has to live day to day. This is probably true, but, if that is true, who is going to buy the crumpets and marmite for breakfast? I'm sorry but it wont do. I often say that every day is golden. I've nearly died but I havent. I thought I'd be dead by now, but I'm not, so every day is golden, but I still have to buy Marmite for tommorow's breakfast.

I dont want to give it a weight it doesnt deserve, so I wont say I've been depressed, but the black dog of melancholia has been circling my path since November. 

See you next Thanksgiving

See you next Christmas

This seems a little greedy, a bit like turning too many pages on the calender.

So, I realise I live from High Days to Holidays, thats enough for me and I hope modest enough not to bring on hubris and the anger of the gods.

From New Year, I aim to reach Valentines Day (the Romans had a much better holiday - Lupercalia - look it up, sounds fun)

From Lupercalia there's easter.

And each day is golden and I hope I dont ask for too much.

 

Sorry: Ive been living with this crap disease for 3 years and I felt the need to vent. I hope I havent upset/offended anyone

Comments

  • todd121
    todd121 Member Posts: 1,448 Member
    #2
    No Apologies Please

    Having gone through only a fraction of what you've had to endure, I can assure you that you owe nobody an apology. Vent away! Please.

    This disease sucks. I wish you didn't have to deal with it. This is the place to tell us how you're feeling and you'll be received with empathy and understanding. I get it.

    Hugs,

    Todd

  • rhominator
    rhominator Member Posts: 233 Member
    edited January 2017 #3
    I appreciate your candor

    Thanks for being here, I really like how you articulate your thoughts.  

    There's a sign in our neighboorhood pub: "Free beer tomorrow!"  Trite, yes, but here's to looking forward to Valentine's Day.

  • marosa
    marosa Member Posts: 334 Member
    #4
    I have so much admiration for you

    It's been two years since I met you thru this network and every single comment I have read from you has been writen with so much grace and humor and dignity. How can you ever think for a second you can upset or offend someone by sharing your feelings!  Stomps, I wish I had the words, sometimes words don't express well feelings and sometimes my english just goes so far...    I wish you could take all the good wishes to the bank as they say (the health bank it would be...metaphoricly speaking)   I trust so much in your attitude, so I count to continue reading from you for a long time past Lupercalia!  May we have many more tomorrows! You, me and everyone here.

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    edited January 2017 #5
    Perspective...

    Perspective (in general as well as yours) is always a good one. "Live in the moment" vs "Somebody's got to fill this pantry, pay to keep the lights on" which isn't nearly as much fun.

    I used to backpack a lot and remember one trip when it had rained steadily for over two weeks. Everything was enveloped in thick fog. When I found myself at a vista, it was difficult to figure out where the ground stopped and the fog took over, definitely no way to look ahead or behind. Still, I had to think about what the next day held. In the end, I hadn't done such a good job allocating foodstuffs and still had lots of beef jerky and prunes, but that was about it. My tea was waterlogged and I'd somehow brought waterproofed safety matches but no striker, so I couldn't even fix a nice cuppa. Marmite would've been good, and of course with something dry to spread it on. 

    Should the dark dogs get too close, nipping at your heels, I offer you a sackfull of beef jerky bits to toss off the edge of your trail. Hopefully they'll take the bait. If not, there's always the prunes. If nothing else, that'll at least slow them down.

    Jerzy

  • mrou50
    mrou50 Member Posts: 389 Member
    #6
    FS

    I do the same I plan for three months at a time, like you it is to not anger fate and I appreciate each day as it comes.  Sorry you are feeling melancoly but as we all know it comes with the diagnosis, just remember this you are an inspiration to all of us here.  Your positive vibe and feedback keep many of us going, and you are much loved by many people who never had the privelage of breaking bread with you my brother.

    Mark

  • donna_lee
    donna_lee Member Posts: 1,045 Member
    #7
    I hope you can reach a point...

    where you can look ahead more than a few months.  Each year, though, it's seems I would have to start over at day 1, Year what?  After the 5th year, it finally gave me a break; and I've reached that point of "I'll plan what I want and make it a goal to reach...like a vacation with the kids and grands in 2018."  If I'm here, I'll go.  Otherwise???

    No, I'm sorry's from either of us.  But live each day as it comes.

    Hugs to you,

    donna_lee

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 628 Member
    edited January 2017 #8
    Hugs

    I appreciate your support and comments so much. I am not as articulate or witty as you, so I am just giving you a virtual hug. Blessings ad prayers to you.

  • hardo718
    hardo718 Member Posts: 853 Member
    #9
    As always, I learn SO much from you

    Today's lesson was Lupercalia.  I thank you Sir.

    No need for apologies.  I believe the reaction is sound given the circumstances.  My only wish is that I had some power to eradicate this dreaded disease from the earth.

    I guess we all need to "live in the moment", easier said than done sometimes.  I'll agree with Donna Lee (I'm a poet & didn't know it) make plans and keep putting one foot in front of the other toward that plan. 

    God Bless,

    Donna~

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 1,074 Member
    edited January 2017 #10
    Stomps, you have all the

    Stomps, you have all the right to be melancholic, being through that much! I haven't had cancer myself, but I am terrible hypochondriac, so I know the reluctance to plan longterm, because "what if?"

    But the truth is - we must live our life to the fullest now, and not be afraid to plan ahead. Not because we'll sure be safe -  but because nothing is certain. Yes, we could be killed in car accident anytime. Or we can be Stage 4, avoiding plans, and then after 10 years look at our worries and think - why I wasn't enjoying this life, I had 10 more years despite this terrible disease!

    I know "killed by the bus" example is often poorely accepted. But I know what I am talking about. My friend's dad was killed by car on his 60th birthday. My neigbhour, young guy with 2 kids, was killed by train a year ago. It does happen. 

    Memento mori.... But not to be afraid - to live!

  • foxhd
    foxhd Member Posts: 3,181 Member
    edited January 2017 #11
    I hope

    everyone can see the difference between being newly diagnosed and scared to death of the future, vs. someone with a survival history of having been there, done that. It gets very exhausting physically and mentally. Frustration and anger have replaced fear and worry.

    There is a Kris Kristoferson song called, "The Winner." It's about an old bar room brawler being challenged by a younger guy. He tells the kid about his loose teeth, broken nose, bit off ear, arthritis, and all his other victory beauty marks. It all comes with being a winner.

    Some have it easy, some do not. But I guarantee there are more dead RCC'ers than "Winners." Stomps is a Winner.

  • Footstomper
    Footstomper Member Posts: 1,237 Member
    #12
    To write or not to write?

    I dont want to scare the 'newbie', whom I wish to reassure, if by nothing else than the fact of my survival.  As I have myself been reassured on many an occassion.

    I tried not to put too much weight behind the post. Many of you realise this but I felt that it was worth writing. Its about coping mechanisms. My mum, survived the Blitz, and I am surviving RCC. I just was somewhat discombobulated by people trampling on my coping mechanisms. 

    Dont get me wrong for a moment. I love life. I love living life. I have given myself over to learning as many irritating acoustic instruments as possible. I dont think I can find a hurdy gurdy around where I live. Perhaps a tin whistle would be the way to go.

    All in all just a change in the weather.

  • Billy's Wife
    Billy's Wife Member Posts: 52
    edited January 2017 #13
    It is only my opinion but to

    It is only my opinion but to me all cancer survivors and those who succumbed are winners.  They all receive the diagnosis and feel the end of the bliss of ignorance they lived in the day before it. They all face the doctors, the nurses, the endless tests and treatments. Then many do face the end of those tests and the look of pain and loss in their families eyes.  Then these eternal winners face their finals days with strength and dignity many stronger then than ever before.  Those of us who observe these winners are left in awe with greater courage than before we knew this awful experience. Life is a gift and a mystery.  My hope is that we understand the meaning at the end of this journey and that my husband understands it now as he waits for me.  He was a winner as he bore all things fighting every moment for us as much as himself. You are all winners !! God Bless All!!

  • Footstomper
    Footstomper Member Posts: 1,237 Member
    edited January 2017 #14
    marosa said:

    I have so much admiration for you

    It's been two years since I met you thru this network and every single comment I have read from you has been writen with so much grace and humor and dignity. How can you ever think for a second you can upset or offend someone by sharing your feelings!  Stomps, I wish I had the words, sometimes words don't express well feelings and sometimes my english just goes so far...    I wish you could take all the good wishes to the bank as they say (the health bank it would be...metaphoricly speaking)   I trust so much in your attitude, so I count to continue reading from you for a long time past Lupercalia!  May we have many more tomorrows! You, me and everyone here.

    Pure poetry

    " May we have many more tomorrows! You, me and everyone here."

    I wish I'd written that :-)

  • firedude21
    firedude21 Member Posts: 52
    #15
    Stomps -

    Stomps -

    You didn't retire from teaching. You just moved on to a larger class. I have learned so much from you and I appreciate it so much. 

    Thank you

    fd21

     

Discussion Boards