Need to know others are there

gcrich677
gcrich677 Member Posts: 7
in Caregivers #1

My husband is a 3-time cancer survivor, twice with Prostate and once with lung.  He has had surgery and radiation for the prostate, each about 5-years apart.  In between these treatments he was diagnosed with lung cancer and had a lobectomy.  He has been in remission for 2 years.  

Perhaps as a result of the treatments and the multiple X-rays, CT Scans and PET Scans he has multiple other health issues.  He just had foot surgery to repair some torn tendons in his foot and can't put any weight on it for 12 weeks. We have no children and he lost his brother to lung cancer in October.  I'm the only person he has to help care for him.  I also face a double whammy as I also am the primary caregiver to my Mom.  She still has pretty good health but is recovering from an appendectomy and it certainly took the wind out of her.  My brother and sister help when they can but they don't live in the same town.

I'm so tired and some times I think I'm a bad person because I often get mad at both of them. I try not to tame it out on them and often succeed, but I'm human after all and don't always manage it.  I don't want to ramble on so I'll close and say thank you.

Comments

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #2
    Not alone

    I think there are many on this site who share your feelings.  It is exhausting to be a caregiver to say the least.  Those of us who have an ill spouse and also aging parents with health issues get it from all angles.  I am sorry for what you and your husband are going through.  If it helps, you aren't alone.    

  • gcrich677
    gcrich677 Member Posts: 7
    #3
    It helps a lot

    GingerMay, thank you for reaching out.  I have been involved in support groups for much of my adult life and questioned if I would find the same benefits online.  Your post was exactly what I needed to see.  I read some of your posts and your blog and I'm sorry for what you are going through too.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs.

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #4
    gcrich677 said:

    It helps a lot

    GingerMay, thank you for reaching out.  I have been involved in support groups for much of my adult life and questioned if I would find the same benefits online.  Your post was exactly what I needed to see.  I read some of your posts and your blog and I'm sorry for what you are going through too.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Hugs.

    Thank you

    Thanks for your kind words.  Happy to have been of some help.  I often wonder about attending a local support group at the hospital, and may at some point.  I suppose support can come in all forms from online, formal groups, or someone just smiling in the dr's. office. 

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    edited January 2017 #5
    Caregiving is...

    Caregiving is SO exhausting, and that's on a good day.  I've had friends, acquaintances, and strangers tell me what a blessing or how rewarding it was to be the caregiver for their spouses and/or parents.  You know, my initial thought was, "I want what they're smoking." It turned out it wasn't mind-altering substances, but a whole slug of people who were helping them out, coming over every day, etc. As if. My second thought was, "If I could just get two or three hours of half-decent sleep all at once, THAT would be a my idea of a blessing." 

    I was the lone caregiver for my spouse*, with a few visits / help from an out-of-town family member. For my parents (at different times, in different parts of the country), I had some help, but it was still a doozie.  I was able to go to a caregivers' group once (scheduling). What that mostly did for me was help me realize that (1) I wasn't crazy but I was exhausted, and (2) I was not superwoman no matter how hard I tried. 

    Hope you can get some mini breaks. Check back in here, let us know how it's going. 

    Jerzy

    *Well, I take that back. I also had a furry little caregiver to help out, which it appears you two do as well Smile . 

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    edited January 2017 #6
    JerzyGrrl said:

    Caregiving is...

    Caregiving is SO exhausting, and that's on a good day.  I've had friends, acquaintances, and strangers tell me what a blessing or how rewarding it was to be the caregiver for their spouses and/or parents.  You know, my initial thought was, "I want what they're smoking." It turned out it wasn't mind-altering substances, but a whole slug of people who were helping them out, coming over every day, etc. As if. My second thought was, "If I could just get two or three hours of half-decent sleep all at once, THAT would be a my idea of a blessing." 

    I was the lone caregiver for my spouse*, with a few visits / help from an out-of-town family member. For my parents (at different times, in different parts of the country), I had some help, but it was still a doozie.  I was able to go to a caregivers' group once (scheduling). What that mostly did for me was help me realize that (1) I wasn't crazy but I was exhausted, and (2) I was not superwoman no matter how hard I tried. 

    Hope you can get some mini breaks. Check back in here, let us know how it's going. 

    Jerzy

    *Well, I take that back. I also had a furry little caregiver to help out, which it appears you two do as well Smile . 

    Furry caregiver

    Your comment on our furry caregivers is so true.  I adopted this sweetie from an animal rescue 2 months before my husband became ill.  They bonded immediately, and when he came home after surgery she wouldn't leave his side.  I believe the timing was no coincidence.  I am so grateful for her.  

  • mcrhoutsong
    mcrhoutsong Member Posts: 4
    #7
    Wow. its ok to be human :)

    I cant imagine how you could do it without having moments of feeling overwhelmed.  Hopeful, maybe talking with them, or someone else you are really close too. Sometimes a kind ear is all that is needed. Or a pillow to scream into! :)   Hang in there. I feel for you and your family. 

  • gcrich677
    gcrich677 Member Posts: 7
    #8
    mcrhoutsong said:

    Wow. its ok to be human :)

    I cant imagine how you could do it without having moments of feeling overwhelmed.  Hopeful, maybe talking with them, or someone else you are really close too. Sometimes a kind ear is all that is needed. Or a pillow to scream into! :)   Hang in there. I feel for you and your family. 

    Do it and feel overwhelmed

    I feel overwhelmed on a daily basis and also screaming into pillows and in the car.  It is such a blessing of peace to have a place to go in order to read that we all go through so much of the same feelings when we have our own lives to deal with and caregivin for a loved one on top of that.  Hugs to you and I'm glad you joined the group.

  • gcrich677
    gcrich677 Member Posts: 7
    edited January 2017 #9
    GingerMay said:

    Furry caregiver

    Your comment on our furry caregivers is so true.  I adopted this sweetie from an animal rescue 2 months before my husband became ill.  They bonded immediately, and when he came home after surgery she wouldn't leave his side.  I believe the timing was no coincidence.  I am so grateful for her.  

    Furry love

    i love both of your puppies.  Mine stays by my husband's side and is a real companion.  When I get home he becomes really playful since he knows there is someone else to help watch over things and he gets to take a break.

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #10
    We are human beings too

    I can relate.  I was my husband's sole caregiver even though we had family close by who offered no help.  Even our grown children and grandchildren offered no help.  I can say that during the 5 year battle, which he lost, the worse time was the last 6 months as I watched him go downhill and struggle.  Thankfully it was only during the last two months that I had to do everything for him.  He didn't like it when I told him he needed a hospital bed because he was too weak to be walking after falling two times.  He was on hospice and we were offered more help.  Had an aide come in to bathe him but in reality I was doing everything getting the water for her, helping her, emptying the dirty water so I decided I might as well do it myself.  By the last six weeks of his life I was doing everything, bathing, cleaning him up, doing his tube feedings, giving him his medicine, etc.  Hospice offered a lot of help during the last, even round the clock nurses,  but personally I didn't want all those strangers coming into my home and knowing I would be alone eventually.   There were times I would get mad but I always told him I loved him and I wasn't mad at him, I was mad about the situation.  He understood.

    Caregiving is very hard and you have to take care of yourself.  Our parents had already passed and my mother lived with us her last two years of life.  My husband was her caregiver because I was still working.  Thankfully she wasn't bed ridden until the last two weeks of her life and I took family leave to care for her and even with my husband's help it was hard.

    During my husband's battle, I still took time for myself.  I would go out to the store for an hour or so, just to have time for myself.  I would go over and talk with neighbors or go for a walk.  I had neighbors asking what they could do, but I would always say nothing, wanting to do it myself.  I don't regret being my husband's caregiver but I do still feel overwhelmed because of things I said and hope with time I can forgive myself. 

    Yes I would love to have him back and I say that but I know he is at peace, even if I'm not.

    Take care of yourself because you count too.

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