Struggling to Care for Mother (vent)

There is no balance.  At least for me, its like a complete overtaking of every minute of my life.  I am completely living someone else's life and occasionally concern myself with my own.  I know its not much of a pep talk yet!

I know this sounds crazy, but I focused on eating.  Yes eating.  I have, I had, I have had no time for hobbies, fun things, TV, anything.  I live with a person who screams and belittles and otherwise acts like a raging lunatic.  I cant go anywhere or do anything and instead serve.  And it got very frustrating and is frustrating and I ate all the wrong foods.  Then I just stopped eating all the wrong foods and I stick to a very strict diet.  Dark green leafy dinners and baked vegetables and more.  I think Im obsessed with healthy eating now but eating is the only thing I find time to do and now that Im eating healthy for every meal, I feel better about myself even though I am around a miserable person with cancer.  Eating is the one thing you take time for yourself right now.  It might be crazy but make that meal and time with yourself really count and eat very healthy.

I hope this helps.

Noellesmom said:

Yes

There is nothing balanced about the caregiving life.

Catholic, your patient needs sedation. Abuse is never acceptable and that's what is happening to you.

You have taken control of the one aspect of your life no one else can control. Interesting how we do that.

 

Healthy eating has been a Godsend.

My wife is nuts and that's a generous way of putting it.  She literally lives in the basement all day.  Gets up around 5pm and goes out to eat at some fast-food place.  Then comes back and goes to the basement.  We walk on egg shells to avoid her and I take care of the kids.  What really grinds on me is her family absolutely walked away from this mess.  We visited her sister in the summer and her sister spinned everything back on me that "only you can help her" and "she wont listen to us".  And I cant help.  If I could, I would but when the person refuses to talk and/or listen, then there is nothing I can do.  Id like to strangle her sister for not helping and dumping this all on me.  

I, personally, have come a long ways and healthy eating has helped.  When my wife came home from the hospital with our 3rd child, she went to the basement. I literally (not figuratively!!) had 3 kids aged 6, 4, and 1 day old to take care of and an angry wife in the basement who only left to unload anger and then return.  My youngest is now 3 years old and its a miracle I made it this far.  My youngest use to call me "mommy" and called my wife "momma".   With persistence, I convinced her to call me dad and she does now.  In the fall Im putting her in a pre-school in the mornings and Im taking the mornings off. 

My wife though is nuts.  She will be in good spirits one day and come upstairs and want to see photos and learn about what has been happening.  The kids are all happy and everything is peaceful.  Then the next day she is ready to kill someone and all of her anger is directed to me.  She goes through the same list of issues "you dont respect because Im a woman" (not true but she wont let me speak), "you only think about your money" (not true again), "you took the kids away from me" (not true she moved to the basement, get out of the basement and she can visit but she wont let me speak), "I so regret marrying you" (same here) and then she just keeps going down this negative path with more accussations none of which are true.  I cant begin to list the accussations leveled against me.  Her best is "even a broken clock is right twice a day" which is true but the clock is wrong 99% of the time.

Eating healthy has keep me sane.  I buy and eat dark green leafy stuff like you wouldnt imagine.  I encourage you to eat healthy.  If you live in Wisconsin, stop by and I'll make you a great meal and swap stories.

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting but I have been a member for a while. I too feel overwhelmed. I am my mom's only caregiver. I have two sisters and one brother. None of them have done a damn thing for her. I am doing everything while they sit back and watch without a care in the world. I live in a three family house, I am on the third floor, my mom and 29 year old sister lives on the second floor. My oldest sister lives on the first floor. But they are worthless! My brother lives in Virginia, when he came to visit he was in basement drinking with his friend the whole time. They haven't even offered to do a damn thing to help with her care. The 29 year old cares more about her boyfriend than she does my mom. my oldest sister is a piece of **** she lies all the time about everything. Both of my sisters' use my mother's cancer to get attention for themselves. Its a damn shame. My brother doesn't give a damn at all. My mother defends them and makes excuses for them.

Yes, I have been through some rough times but our children were grown. Your first allegiance and responsibility is to them.

Your future is establishing a peaceful, safe life for your children.

Why not see a therapist, Catholic? Someone who can help you with perspective?  Because as much as I believe marriage is a sacred thing, I'm going to tell you to get out for the sake of the children if not for yourself.

HI! Hang in there. My mom moved to be near me. Never thought that would happen. Hate that Cancer was the push to do it. However- I have had my life turned on its ear as well. She's divorced. So, my hubby and i are the main support. I am there for everything for her. And having to be the center of balancing everything and everyone. I read your note and my heart went out to you. I'm not doing as much as you, but I know its coming. I am feeling the stress. I would give you a hug if I could. Share a smile. A knowing nod. Hang in there. You are not alone!