Grad student out of state, dad with cancer, separated mum as caretaker

Wow. Your parents have been through a lot on a good day, the same for you in graduate school.  Then to have the cancer, business, and other healthcare needs. It's definitely a huge load to shoulder, divided three ways, let alone two. 

You're right that you can't fix their lives. It sounds that it's difficult for both of your parents to take care of their own health needs. But there's the whole "put your oxygen mask on first" reality, just like on airplanes. There may be respite services or home healthcare services to help with your dad's care.  There may be a diabetic case manager with her healthcare group that can give your mum support ideas. Or, if she's been caregiving for a year, it may very well be time for her to have a thorough check-up herself with her physician, and if her health has taken a toll, she may be eligible for support services herself. The numbers to call to find out about that sort of thing may be on the back of their health care cards or connections available through their primary care physicians. But in either case, they're grown-ups and the ones that have to make the decisions as to what kind of care they're going to get and give. 

You say you feel stuck in the middle. Do you think it's because you're an easy person for your parents to talk to? If your role has been that of being a safe listener while they process stuff (or just express their feelings), it's easy to think they're sharing stuff because maybe you should be able to help. I think they mostly appreciate that you'll listen and they know that you care.  Of course you want the best for them, which makes it even harder.  I hope you've got a counselor at school who can help you process this, continue to process this, and be a good listener for you, too.  You all deserve the best. 

My parents both found so much fulfillment and satisfaction that I made my own life, worked hard, and graduated from college and grad school, so I get how important it is for you to be doing that (for you, too, not just for them).  Being able to talk to them on the phone, write notes, send emails, and/or Skype (or a similar video connection) could be good ways to structure some times in your week to connect. That will give you some space to be a student yet still be their daughter.  And remember your own self-care, too. 

All the best.  Keep us posted...

Jerzy

blackscorpion said:

I think both my mum and I

I think both my mum and I have been forgetting or at least struggling with that "put your oxygen mask on first" concept. It's too easy to get into the thinking of "Why am I prioritizing [this situation involving me] when this person I love is dealing with much worse". She gets fairly regular checkups for the diabetes but she's taken some falls this year and started experiencing different symptoms. I'm mostly concerned that the stress combined with everything else is getting to be too much.

I mostly feel in the middle since what seems to be "right" for my mum's life isn't "right" for my dad. Ideally, they shouldn't live under the same roof and then work together too. They're very much opposites and end up having to spend a bit too much time around one another. It probably compounds the problems more. My dad is incredibly quiet (to a disadvantage, that he won't volunteer information about how he's feeling, etc) so we don't talk too much about the situation but my mum talks to me about it all. You're definitely right that it's just as an outlet to process things, not as a way of asking me for help. It's just so frustrating wanting to "fix" things and not being able to. I need to work on just listening without attempting to fix things, for sure.  

Thanks for all the kind words and good advice. Some of it is stuff that I should already know (but of course neglect to do) and it's helpful to hear it from someone else. Thanks again. n_n

 

You're welcome. Hang in there. 

For many of us, there's that weird time as you're growing up when you realize that your parents really shouldn't be together. To the point where you want to know WHAT were they thinking?! But that's where you've got to tread lightly: If they hadn't connected at some point, where would you be?