FORTY SEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm only 4 years ned but 5 years diagnosed and so to all I say THANK YOU!  Thank you for getting me through the absolute hardest part of my life.   When I got diagnosed, I promised I would celebrate 47 with a party if I made it and here I am! The terminology was so confusing, the fear was outrageous, the anxiety was beyond belief. I remember the first night feeling so scared and hearing the words from someone who has never minced words... cancer does not have to mean a death sentence, get a grip!  I remember needing to hear that.  And since that person is still kicking butt and still on the boards, he gets props because my treatment mantra became CANCER DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DEATH SENTENCE.  I said it often and I said it loud.  I chanted NED for myself, for others, I got my family to chant it.  I still chant it when someone tells me they are having a scan and get others to chant it with me.  I talked to my chemo and my radiation when I was getting it, I closed my eyes and told it to kill those cells.  I imagined it, I breathed it.  I relaxed and let it take over and said do your thing!

To those still fighting, keep on fighting, take the plunge, eat right, give up the barbeque (it's a serious carcinogen when you have cancer), the wine, the sugar, look up those carcinogens and know what they are and cut  them out of your diet and life fully until you can get it out of your body.  Look up the big cancer fighters.  Learn as much as you can about your body.  Don't let your doctor tell you what you can or can not do and feel your power, it is your body and therefor your choices.  Stick to your treatment and tell yourself I'm going to do this.  YOU ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cancer does not have to mean a death sentence.  I was stage III but one of the women at my office is now cancer free and she had been stage IV for three years. I cried when she told me she had a clean scan, burst into tears and cried over an hour.  She changed her diet, she joined the gym, she gave up carginogens and she showed up at every doctor's appointment and for every treatment, she did the ablations and the surgeries and we shared our worries and tears.  Cry your way through the pain and surgeries, there is another side.  It's okay to cry.  Shout why is this happening to me, it's okay to shout!  There are no guarantees, there never have been but it is freeing to feel like you are fighting so hard for yourself.  Even during treatment, I felt so free that I was able to fight for myself.  I am now so aware that I am not guaranteed 48 or 58 or 68 or even day two of 47 but for now I celebrate day one of 47!  If this is my last day on earth, I lived this beautiful day.  There are days where I am in pain and I struggle but in the end, I amazingly greatful to have had this birthday.  My friends who didn't make it but came to mean so much to me, especially Barb and Leena, even though I never got to meet them in person, will never be forgotten.  So many people have a special place in my heart.  The late night emails that we shared helped me to keep my sanity.  I read some of them recently and cried for them and for their children and families.  The sleepless night posts on this board helped me keep my sanity.

Tonight I had dinner with my children, my mom!  ......I still get to say that ...my mom....and I am amazed at the fortune of that. .....my mom who has alzheimers and struggles daily let out the biggest belly laugh at dinner tonight and it was a chain reaction around the whole table, I haven't laughed a real laugh like that in so many years.  Watching my mom laugh was such an amazing moment.  Sharing in that laugh meant the world to me.  My best friend since birth also joined us, my eldest sister and then my niece showed up and surprised me for dessert.  I got to see my grandson turn 4 this year! The week he was born, I just had my port put in and when I was alone with him as my daughter slept, I cried and cried.  I am greatful that I have gotten to hear his laugh and squeeze him until he squeels.

I love and appreciate you all on the boards and I think about you all and offer up my heart to whatever powers that be for each of you daily.  Tonight I raised my glass to all of us (that would be my glass of water....the alternative would have been almond milk lol), the ones who fought so hard, the ones who are still fighting and the ones who have made it through.  ...... I reserve the right to rescind my mushiness when this feeling wears off.  I am not a mushy type person.  I gave up wine since it is a carginogen so I can't even blame that.  I'm just amazed and greatful tonight.  I reserve the right to have some bad days when the pain takes over or the depression of the reality of my body changes or what I have lost sets in out of no where.  I reserve the right to have scary moments and then kick myself for putting myself through all of that for nothing.  I reserve the right to cry hysterically with friends or for friends as they struggle through scary moments.  I reserve the right to cry hysterically for friends who decide it is time to let go.  I reserve the right to have moments of panic if this dreaded disease comes back and I know it happens to so many and I could be one.  But for tonight, December 6, 2016, this day was mine and it was a beautiful one and I had a fabulous day one of 47 and will forever be greatful to have had it.  If it is my last, know that it was appreciated.  Love to all, one day at a time.  Helen